tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33315071472721519732023-07-19T00:06:57.834-07:00"We count them happy which endure.""Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family." --President MonsonUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-47066229496988542382019-06-10T07:48:00.002-07:002019-06-10T07:48:04.472-07:00Daxten's Birth By Garth<br />
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<br />
The birth story to end all birth stories. That is probably
the expectation. Unfortunately, this one may actually end up being the shortest
one of them all. Let me preface this by blazing through the four weeks prior to
delivery day and just saying we went to the hospital several times (all at the
behest of the physicians that be). Amy had a ton of contractions; but there was
no baby.</div>
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I had a good feeling Amy was in labor the night of April 24<sup>th</sup>
when I took the older kids to swimming lessons and not only did Amy not join
us, but she did a prenatal workout, showered, and then curled her hair.
Priorities right? </div>
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Contractions picked up (nothing new), but she acted a bit
different this time. Ironically, earlier that same day she had seen her OB-GYN
and scheduled her induction for the next week on Tuesday. When asked if we
should schedule for the next Tuesday, or that coming Friday (a few days away)
he gave no real opinion, but just kind of smiled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well the night of the 24<sup>th</sup> we checked in, and as
usual, the nurses did not think Amy was in labor. Why? Because she is a
freaking boss and was, cool and collected. And was, dilated to a cool, and
collected, 6 cm!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything about this labor reminded me of Camden’s.
Checking in at 6 cm. Spending the next few hours in the tub, breathing through
contractions. Getting out and walking around a bit, using the exercise ball to
lean on, a nurse that was ridiculously nice and for the most part hands-off. </div>
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So after a few hours the nurse checks Amy again, and wa-la
she’s at 9 cm. Get the doc! Break the water! Let’s do this thing! So the doctor
breaks her bag of water. And then says, “She’s only a true 6 cm”. Wait, wait,
wait. She was just at 9, now she’s only at 6/7? What?</div>
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And this was the first time I have ever seen Amy discouraged
during labor. This is the first time I ever heard her say she didn’t think she
could do it. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This was the time I started
to worry about seizures</i>. And this is the part this story changes. (And
you’ll probably notice it too).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Never mind the fact that the body naturally shakes during
transition labor as a means of dealing with the adrenaline. Those shakes
sent me into over-drive every single time. Every time I thought she was going
to seize. Every time I worried about her and about the baby. But every time she
assured me she was fine.</div>
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It took all of 14 minutes from the time they broke her water
until Daxten was born. 14 minutes to go from 9 cm, back to 6/7 cm, to baby boy.
That doctor never made it back into the room. (Don’t worry; we still received a
bill). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our nurse had never delivered a baby solo before. She was
telling Amy it wasn’t time to push. Amy looked at me and said she was going to
have a seizure. Never before in the previous 9 months had I ever tried to
persuade her or tell her “You can’t have a seizure”, or “You won’t have a
seizure”. Because; it’s a seizure. Not exactly controllable. But in that
moment, I got the distinct impression that I just needed to say it. I got as
close to her eyes as I possibly could and I just said, “No you are not”. I looked
at the nurse, I looked at Amy, and then he arrived. One push. Baby boy. Cord
wrapped around his neck twice. I think I held my breath from that moment until
he cried and I knew he was breathing. And then all I had to think about was
Amy. Daxten was here. He was healthy. He was breathing. Amy was crying,
obviously so exhausted, but so thrilled that she had done it. For months all we
had heard was that immediately after birth her seizures could get really bad as
her body adjusted. I was on edge. I was nervous. I was thrilled. I was
stressed. I was exhausted. But some how, some way she had done it. We had done
it. He was here. He was healthy. And as Kyra would so eloquently later state,
“He is ours forever”.<br />
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Yes he is. He is beautiful. Amy has only had a few seizures
since. We know birth wasn’t the cure, but not lugging around a baby inside of
you certainly helps.</div>
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I can’t say how amazed I am. Amy told me a few days later
that she felt better than she had in over a year. All I could do was cry. Just
like that, it seemed so many of my prayers had been answered. Maybe not in the
exact time and moment that I wanted, but in the exact moment I needed. Human
life is a miracle, and one that I hope I don’t soon take for granted. </div>
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Amy once asked me, if I ever remembered what I had dreamed
of my future being when I was younger.</div>
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It suddenly hit me then, I literally have everything I could
have ever wanted. I am living the life I dreamed of.</div>
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I could go on and on about the blessings of my life, too
many to count; But the only ones that matter are Amy, Camden, Kyra, and Dax. </div>
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No matter what we do or where we end up, nothing compares to
being me. Because with me, it’s now a “party of five”.</div>
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-Garth</div>
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</style>Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-67785623577275735782019-06-09T15:33:00.002-07:002019-06-09T15:36:51.883-07:00Daxten's Birth By Amy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTCntVbHP9jAAgUS1QsPKfvREpBNwFplVRQdaZro-u6YI-pWY373XiHLGenOdL7HBaqrgjoxuJIpKyBtLSNJ-Y0k5OaNUK6xkiDXgzkuQ8gHbX22CH7MoTgOV5IRPF72r1Wsl5uKLVNMg/s1600/Daxten-1-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTCntVbHP9jAAgUS1QsPKfvREpBNwFplVRQdaZro-u6YI-pWY373XiHLGenOdL7HBaqrgjoxuJIpKyBtLSNJ-Y0k5OaNUK6xkiDXgzkuQ8gHbX22CH7MoTgOV5IRPF72r1Wsl5uKLVNMg/s640/Daxten-1-2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Daxten Joe Wright was born April 25th at 3:08am 7lbs 4oz and 20.5 inches long.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Leading up to Daxten’s actual birth I had many days of
regular (2-3 minutes apart) increasing in severity contractions just like I did
with Kyra. I would have these for hours on end. Because I don’t really find any
part of labor pre transition (before 7cm) significantly painful I really was
struggling with the idea that I would have no idea when I was going into actual
labor until I reached transition! And once I reach transition I go fast so I
was super worried about being too late. My doctor reminded me that a false
alarm would be better than a baby born in the car. Needless to say by April 24<sup>th</sup>
I was pretty worn out and tired of always wondering when contractions started
if they would keep progressing or stop! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The morning of April 24<sup>th</sup> I heard birds chirping
before opening my eyes and then had the thought “it would be a great day to
have a baby”. Sounds cliché but it really happened. I then saw I was spotting a
little which made me suspicious that today WOULD in fact be the day I had a
baby. All morning I had cramping and irregular contractions, just like every
other morning had been for the past couple weeks. I had my 39 week check that
morning and when I was checked I was 50% effaced and 2cm, which wasn’t any
progress from my last check. My doctor then asked about me being induced and
said he wasn’t going to push me either way but knew with my seizures other
doctors and definitely my husband were wanting this to be over. He said they
had an opening the following Tuesday or the next day. I told him I would agree
to the next Tuesday because it would be past my due date but that I just wanted
to do this on my own and wouldn’t be scheduling it before my due date. Garth
was a little frustrated by this I think but tried to be supportive of me. (mind
you Garth would never normally have been frustrated by this – you have to
remember how much he watched me suffer this pregnancy and how doctors said the
sooner the pregnancy ended the better for seizures going away long-term)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We spent a little time at my mom’s after the doctors office
and while we were there I was fairly confident I was going to go into labor but
wasn’t ready to tell anyone. With my constant contractions for hours on end for
weeks I felt like Garth had been living life on the edge of his seat and I
didn’t want to get his hopes up. So I told him he should take the kids to their
swimming lesson without me so that I could rest when really I wanted to get
ready for the hospital. So after they all left I did a workout, showered and
curled my hair. When Garth got home and saw my hair he knew I was in labor, but
I made him not talk much about it til I was ready. As it started to get later I
decided it would be best to take my kids to my moms so they were taken care of
incase things took a quick turn. We loaded everything up and dropped them off
then headed to the hospital. My mom offered to come to my house instead of me
driving the kids there but I wanted that drive to stall myself from going to
the hospital just a little longer. I told Garth on the way to the hospital I
wasn’t in pain so I could be in false labor again but that we might as well
just go and see. </div>
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When we arrived at 11:00pm the nurse kept looking at me with
that face that says “there’s no way this chick is in labor”. She seemed a
little annoyed, but when they checked she said I was a 6/7 and she looked
surprised. I was so relieved – we were FINALLY having our baby! It was FINALLY
going to all be over. We headed to labor and delivery and I asked them to begin
filling the tub. Several nurses came in and out and asked all about natural
labor super intrigued. Being able to say it was my third natural labor helped
so much, I wasn’t met with annoyance or nurses who didn’t believe I would do it
like previous births, the nurses were just excited to discuss it with me and
knew I knew what I was doing. Such a different experience! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They checked Dax and all was looking good so I put the
wireless monitors on and headed to the tub. Garth and I just chatted and
laughed. He made jokes I relaxed and we fell into the rhythm we always have
when in labor. We talked about how excited we were and everything we’d been
through to get to this point, Garth reminded me that I was so close to the
finish line, and he made ridiculous jokes he always makes when I am laboring. I
love that man. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibex7qo_JBZ0WQTlAvJYdxLfHRuhF9kpETfk_Hd-W0B8HT0UphpN3LoCgB1DQgQNUFdWx00PCsLtKiTJ1rkgAYOKt2Y42Ro9ziOctf_P4iHmg2psFnPUDQMt3By-AKRNg-y-7Iy301h3Y/s1600/Daxten-1-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibex7qo_JBZ0WQTlAvJYdxLfHRuhF9kpETfk_Hd-W0B8HT0UphpN3LoCgB1DQgQNUFdWx00PCsLtKiTJ1rkgAYOKt2Y42Ro9ziOctf_P4iHmg2psFnPUDQMt3By-AKRNg-y-7Iy301h3Y/s640/Daxten-1-8.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Garth took this picture as I was wandering around trying to help contractions be as productive as possible</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually I decided
labor was too easy and slow in the tub so we should get out and get moving
around to get things progressing. We got out and walked around the room and I
leaned on Garth and rocked through the contractions. For a little while I laid
on the bed on my side and just rested between contractions. My mom came in and
chatted with us for a while and then left to go wait until he arrived. </div>
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My contractions are pretty much always under 5 minutes apart
even when in early labor, but I could tell I was beginning to near transition but
things weren’t too intense yet. The nurse came in and checked Dax several times
and continually reminded me if I felt ANY pressure to tell her because she knew
the pushing stage for me is usually short. (20 mins-ish with Camden, about 10
with Kyra). I told her I was starting to feel pressure but didn’t feel like it
was go time because the contractions still felt too high in my body. She
checked me anyways and said I was a 9. The doctor came in and decided to break
my water which I was fine with because I assumed I would be pushing in the next
couple minutes. After she broke my water she said she wanted me to push as she
stretched my cervix. I was a little annoyed that she was even intervening
knowing my body was going to do all of this on it’s own anyways but I obliged.
When I went to push I said “nope its still too high of contractions pushing
hurts” (pushing is relieving when its actually time). </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She then told me the worst news! The pressure I had been
feeling was my water pushing and it was what was stretching me, after they
broke it I went back down to a 7. 2:54 am and I was only a little progressed. I
was so bummed. The doctor said she would be back shortly to check me again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At this point I got really nervous because I knew if I took
too long to progress I would end up having a seizure. Being over tired has
pretty much been a consistent trigger my whole pregnancy, along with anything
that weakened my immune system. I love labor but I knew if I began seizing I
was going to quickly lose a lot of say in what would happen next for me. I
started to express my fears to Garth and in<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>true Garth fashion he kind of ignored me haha! Not in a mean way, but in
a he nodded and acknowledged me but just stayed the course knowing we were
going to get through it. I also think Garth has learned from previous labors
that when I start to feel a little nervous labor is about to end. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s when I started to feel that need to push. I started
to tell Garth and the nurse that I was having to push and she told me “No it’s
not time we just checked you”. She wasn’t wrong, it had only been about 6
minutes since they told me I was a 7. She asked me to sit down on the exercise
ball and I said I can’t, it is time to push. She kind of ignored me obviously
thinking I was losing my mind and was just trying to help me endure. Finally I
got up on the bed telling her I HAVE TO PUSH and I could feel my body REALLY
bear down on its own – and I mean REALLY really, and I knew he was crowning
though no one seemed to be prepared for that (I wish I could show you what
Garth’s shocked face looked like) and then in the midst of that big push I felt
it two things: my baby was about to enter the world and leave my body, and also
I felt my seizure window. My vision started to go (Garth says my eyes started
rolling) and I told Garth I’m going to have a seizure. Garth got RIGHT in my
face eye to eye and said “NO YOU ARE NOT.” And out popped Dax’s head! And then
quickly followed the rest of his body, the nurse barely caught him. She looked
so horrified. There was no doctor in the room, the bed wasn’t ready for
delivery, the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, but he was on my chest!
3:08am! In really one BIG push. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The pushing was really involuntary which I can’t describe
but if you’ve had an unmedicated labor you know what I mean. When I felt my
body really push the nurse looked so scared I wasn’t sure what to think. She
later told me she’s never caught a baby before and because Dax had the cord
wrapped around his neck twice she was trying to get to it but he came so fast she
couldn’t get to it and guide his shoulder through. He was basically forced out
haha. The doctor took another 10 minutes or so to come and check me and confirm
no need for stitches! (sorry if that’s a TMI but this is my story <span style="font-family: "segoe ui emoji" , "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Segoe UI Emoji"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Segoe UI Emoji";">😊</span>) She delivered the placenta
and then left, I don’t even know her name she wasn’t there long!</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJAMbnw8_VBFYaKznr58aosgQaXVDeuZHsrudz2d--NektML4rQFkHthI7RZYPq_QY2gNAnD93icS4KeW37RU1bUARw0VJPwC2RL_FmSUM_j_vTdc1M7b98WptO5Is2okpAp9iKwcP_dU/s1600/74F2F770-77AF-4182-B4DE-097F9250B28D.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1280" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJAMbnw8_VBFYaKznr58aosgQaXVDeuZHsrudz2d--NektML4rQFkHthI7RZYPq_QY2gNAnD93icS4KeW37RU1bUARw0VJPwC2RL_FmSUM_j_vTdc1M7b98WptO5Is2okpAp9iKwcP_dU/s640/74F2F770-77AF-4182-B4DE-097F9250B28D.jpeg" width="512" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDhMqUsS5SEBZgB-NCK5Yce1BHC_EhxX5L1KFB1wQGVYM1jECM6kYHzc2FLiTLpqwo53xpR7kj7K3UzZIOAHXJ1O2sByj76vH4Sl1TKmmWGh2rxY-GgOk367jUEyta-uodvn5zxI40CfU/s1600/99831F6A-C090-4410-BFCD-4E349EB541E7.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1349" data-original-width="1080" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDhMqUsS5SEBZgB-NCK5Yce1BHC_EhxX5L1KFB1wQGVYM1jECM6kYHzc2FLiTLpqwo53xpR7kj7K3UzZIOAHXJ1O2sByj76vH4Sl1TKmmWGh2rxY-GgOk367jUEyta-uodvn5zxI40CfU/s640/99831F6A-C090-4410-BFCD-4E349EB541E7.jpeg" width="512" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEhUX32J9th1KyVgANUm5B88RjrZ3D-BA-1s6lTWWS6xdMdS7UWkkv0Wi93wQhJ6drnAQYfstB3koQL02h15p6kr-v9-ZI3Gc-lIaUcC8gAAYZ6L861Ntmzt5IIiLPBPx50djlO6buRi4/s1600/BB494B7D-B38A-4DF4-B0FC-F093D5950077.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEhUX32J9th1KyVgANUm5B88RjrZ3D-BA-1s6lTWWS6xdMdS7UWkkv0Wi93wQhJ6drnAQYfstB3koQL02h15p6kr-v9-ZI3Gc-lIaUcC8gAAYZ6L861Ntmzt5IIiLPBPx50djlO6buRi4/s640/BB494B7D-B38A-4DF4-B0FC-F093D5950077.jpeg" width="480" /></a></div>
All the while we waited little Dax was on my chest and I
cried knowing I had done it. The hardest physical thing I’ve ever done was
carry Dax in my belly, and it was finally over. I was so glad the trial was
over, but I also immediately knew that I was holding a freshly made-by-me baby
for the last time. I was flooded with so many emotions, but mostly just felt
grateful. </div>
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My mom got to come meet Dax and hold him fresh and new. I’m
so grateful for that, it is the first time that has happened. Dax nursed like a
champ right away and I was able to get up and walk pretty instantly. So many
things about recovery and such seemed to have changed since I had Kyra I felt
like a newbie with all the things they were using and recommending!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjct0iuCyzaOCA2DcIbrZ9N2FleZ6AeiIYLWI7Boe6tDbdi5za2JfdwFmOcLm46qVSzSzYo_VmxgS0TTzFtyuc4gcQdIIZgpbHhID2PzJrAcGylxAjtnKfGCqjONF1uGVzDtoVIFRBiy70/s1600/Daxten-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjct0iuCyzaOCA2DcIbrZ9N2FleZ6AeiIYLWI7Boe6tDbdi5za2JfdwFmOcLm46qVSzSzYo_VmxgS0TTzFtyuc4gcQdIIZgpbHhID2PzJrAcGylxAjtnKfGCqjONF1uGVzDtoVIFRBiy70/s640/Daxten-2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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The hospital was full so we were moved to the suites that
people pay extra for and it was awesome but also a little excessive! The room
was as large as a hotel room, Garth had his own full bed, and the shower and
tub are bigger and more complicated than ours at home! We were most definitely
spoiled.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLGcmuUf4jISGODBS-lAezTJPnkM5i2LTTCtFrQsSh3jeTfwuBPkYKMXD2HY9EBMSaX0pKrGElVThLbjKhBhDWI82V9Y55hYS6G9g_09vGzrEs9DjYuZ4twzQcR42jabMLEMcPHj0s-pE/s1600/6D027569-EF5B-44A3-9AA1-7060CFE9C701.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLGcmuUf4jISGODBS-lAezTJPnkM5i2LTTCtFrQsSh3jeTfwuBPkYKMXD2HY9EBMSaX0pKrGElVThLbjKhBhDWI82V9Y55hYS6G9g_09vGzrEs9DjYuZ4twzQcR42jabMLEMcPHj0s-pE/s640/6D027569-EF5B-44A3-9AA1-7060CFE9C701.jpeg" width="480" /></a></div>
We stayed the full time at the hospital because I learned
after staying the minimum amount with Kyra (it was Christmas Eve) that it is
worth it to just stay in that little newborn haze in the hospital for as long
as you can before you return home to the chaos of a full of house of young
children. Those few days alone with him were magical. </div>
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<br />
<br />
We are now enjoying Garth’s paternity leave as a family, he
doesn’t return to work until June 26<sup>th</sup>. We are so grateful for this
time of healing, learning, stretching, regrouping, and family. We have pretty
much just closed in around our little group and enjoyed doing things all
together as I wasn’t able to be an active participant in a lot of things for a
long time. I am consistently amazed at how different I feel and how completely
fogged and different I was for the majority of the pregnancy. I haven’t felt
the constant fatigue of over stimulation as I did when pregnant, and I have
learned that my seizures are SO MUCH less painful on a non-pregnant body.</div>
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We’ve learned so much as a family, and we are so glad Dax is
here safe and happy. </div>
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</style>Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-59678093795187205232019-04-18T18:47:00.000-07:002019-04-18T18:47:00.103-07:00Third Pregnancy as told by Amy
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This marks my FOURTH attempt at writing
about this pregnancy. It has taken me a long time to realize I just don’t want
to write about the hard. I don’t want to spend pages and pages trying to articulate
what it has been like for me, or trying to make all the things that have
happened make sense. I don’t want to go through a chronological account of how
things happened and what they mean. Maybe someday that will be a beneficial
thing to share so I get far less questions about when this will end, but right
now I just don’t want to focus my energy on doing that. Maybe it’s because I
know it will never fully be understood and I could never really do the full
scope of the experience justice. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to invoke
sympathy and maybe it’s just because the hard parts are not the full story as I
see it. And probably, it’s that it’s still a little tender and raw and requires
too much vulnerability on my part.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
Of course it would be inaccurate to pretend it hasn’t been hard. There’s been
fears, deep loneliness and feelings of abandonment, sadness, exhaustion, anger,
and a lot of just pressing onward.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But there have also been moments of
stillness, clarity, peace, and rescue.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
I will be honest that when laid out in front of me the hard moments far surpass
the amount of peaceful ones, but the hard has always, at least in increments,
passed. The thing about the peaceful moments is though that specific moment may
come to a close you can reach back and draw from it as much as you need to. So
though they have been fewer and far between, they have been enough – albeit sometimes
JUST enough – their weight does seem to be heavier. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So as I have reflected on this
experience over and over again and what I do want to share, I have just gathered
some thoughts about what I want my new baby boy to know about what it was like
when his momma carried him and all he did for me:</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I feel I began this pregnancy as one
person, and am walking out of it another. Motherhood does this to us often,
transforms us in ways we otherwise couldn’t have transformed. My baby boy has
already allowed me to grow and be stretched so much – and we haven’t yet met.
It makes me excited to be his mom and to carry the lessons he’s taught me
forward into raising him and my other children.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My first very stark lesson learned: We
are wildly not in control of our bodies. We pretend we are, and we even take
pride in all we are doing to not be THAT person. But truthfully we don’t really
get a major say in what pops up physically for us. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have also once again become very
acquainted with consistent prayer thanks to this pregnancy. After my seizures it
often takes me time to re-coordinate my thoughts with the physical act of
speaking. Because my seizures often occur in clusters, this means I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have a moment where I “come back” to awareness
and am able to hear things, but can’t yet say anything and then fall back into
a seizure. This perspective has allowed me to witness my husband’s moment of
surrender. There have been many times I have been able to hear him cry, and
heard him ask for help, but I can’t respond and I know my seizures aren’t yet
done. These moments have been extremely hard for me. In those moments all I
have had is quick but sincere prayers to rely on that he will be comforted, and
I have also been able to witness the unique ways he has received such comfort. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
I did experience my moment of surrender as well. The moment where I knew
physically I couldn’t carry myself further and wished I could quit, and I don’t
know that I’ve ever experienced anything like this before. I didn’t feel
immediately rescued, and truthfully some days I still wish I had been rescued
in all the ways I want to, but it did come. The understanding and the peace
came though the physical trial didn’t end. The answers I didn’t know I wanted
came and allowed me to find some wholeness in the empty. This is probably my
favorite lesson I have been given. I am positive I have far more to learn about
rescue, but the insight it has given me into true strength and true weakness,
and the ability we have to be made strong within the weak has been profound. I
feel I comprehend my relationship and my need for God in my life so much more
than I did before, and I feel deeply grateful for the need to surrender. <br />
<br />
I really want my little baby boy to know that though there were times I
wrestled with it all, I knew, and still know he is worth it. I want him to know
I drew strength in the fact that while it often felt like my body was
experiencing total system failure it was also simultaneously creating a new
body for him and allowing a new life to enter into my world and that’s nothing
short of miraculous. In fact I consider that something to be proud of. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I want him to know that while I felt
picked on and sometimes quite literally begged for rescue I also felt blessed
that I have the ability to even do this, to carry a baby, one last time. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I want him to know his brother and
sister have been consistently and ridiculously excited to meet him since the
beginning. That Camden can’t WAIT to have a little brother and Kyra is positive
he’s going to be “sooooo cute”. That Kyra often asks me to uncover my belly so
she can sing him twinkle twinkle little star and then tells me she thinks he
loves her. I want him to know that his big brother dreams of helping him learn
all about cars, legos, and running fast. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I want him to know that his momma fought
so hard to get to the finish line — not <u>just</u> so it would be over — but
also because I knew holding him would make it all make sense and make it all
okay.<br />
<br />
I do of course want him to know it was hard, but that all the hard seems to
have had a purpose. I’ve honestly never felt such deep emptiness. But in my
emptiness I have truly found a peace.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To do so, I have had to learn to let go
of so many little things. Sources of identify, sources of self worth,
expectations, and so on. I’ve had to lower the bar for myself, lower it again,
and then just accept that the bar needed to rest on the floor a while. I’ve had
to accept certain limitations and boundaries I would normally never allow
myself to have. I’ve had to actively meet needs that I wish I didn’t have. </span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At times I have looked out and felt a
little left behind, seeing all my friends engage in this race of life, making
plans, setting goals, and being perpetually busy -- knowing I don’t currently
have the ability to participate. But, to my surprise I have come to know this
as a gift.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is as if God knew if I could just be made
tired enough I would finally be still. It’s interesting because for the last
couple of years I have told Garth I continually have received the prompting </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">just stand still</i>. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Literally over, and over, and over
again. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And then I would go on to frustratedly
explain that I do not know how to do that! It is not that I haven’t tried – I stepped
back from photography for a time, I left social media, I tried to be still in
life, but neglected to be still in my mind and heart. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Obviously He knew I would never find
this peace and this necessary surrender while engaging in the race we all so
easily fall into. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So as the story goes, I was shown <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">how</i></b>
to be still, and then given the opportunity to embrace it.<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have been made tired, and often tell
Garth I feel so bone deep exhausted. I have become acquainted with what true
brain fatigue is and how it simply cannot be worked around. In the beginning of
my seizures, I would even find myself completely unable to read my own
paperwork at the doctors office. I have been made emotionally tired, sometimes
feeling like I’m on edge because I can’t gracefully handle one more thing. I
have been too tired to be anything but still. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Through this exhaustion I feel I have
been made new, and life is beginning to have a freshness to it again as I see
all the progress we have made. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
I entered this pregnancy with quite a plan. And I’m ending it without any plans
whatsoever, and honestly I think that’s better. I’m not going to pretend like I
don’t desire to be a more present mom again or that I wouldn’t love to feel
more connected to my body. I’m also not going to pretend I’m not hopeful my
seizures someday end. I do quite literally dream of the day I put my baby in
the stroller and go for a walk and my body doesn’t ache of seizures and my
brain doesn’t feel foggy and fatigued. But I have learned I can’t chase all of
these things. I can’t run around trying to mold the life I think I need in
order to be happy. I can’t gather up my identity in the doings of living in
this world and I can’t earn my worth in accomplishing some self-inflicted goal
rooted in the mind’s rhetoric of “not enough”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The seizures may continue, they may
pass. I may find rest, I may stumble upon a whole new set of challenges.
Regardless of what’s next I know some things now for sure: I am weak so that I
can be strong. I found emptiness so I could be whole. I found surrender so I
could come to understand the rescue. And finally, I found an exhaustion so deep
that I have nothing left to give myself but the grace to just be still. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And for all those lessons I will be
forever grateful – so thanks baby boy for trusting me to learn them before you
arrived. <br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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</style>Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-64172716189116400082019-04-13T15:16:00.002-07:002019-04-13T15:16:16.270-07:00Our Third Pregnancy through Garth's Eyes<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Vulnerable; That was the word you asked me to use in writing
this. Vulnerable; The single term you could with almost certainty say I try to
never be. I don’t want to allow it. I don’t want to show it. And yet, you may
be right. I’m not sure there is a better way to explain our journey of the past
eight months.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I won’t forget that Saturday in Boulder. The way you talked
to me imposed something that I hadn’t felt in a long time; fear. I was scared
that you were only eight weeks along with this pregnancy. I was scared that you
said you didn’t feel ‘right’, and that you didn’t want to go on. I was mostly
scared because I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know what to do. I
didn’t know what to say. That was only the first time of many times I would
feel that way in the coming months.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know me better than anyone ever has. And because of that
you know I like to always take the high road of “everything is probably fine
right?” I tried that for a long time with Camden before I listened to you; Luckily
I finally did and one surgery later he is better than ever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But back to Boulder. I made the phone call, and got the help
I thought would work. I was so confident that the prescribed drug would help,
even if it took a little while. By that Sunday afternoon you looked like I’d
never seen you look before. You were hardly breathing, and shaking slightly. I
guess we are lucky to live as close to an ER as we do, although this trip
didn’t exactly go as well as it could have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The doctors and nurses chalked everything up to an adverse reaction the
drug and dehydration. I’ll admit, after a few liters of fluid you were looking
and talking more like yourself! “Just our luck. An adverse reaction!” I
thought. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Four hours later we were at another ER after you had begun
having seizures. Again, chalked up to an adverse reaction to your one single
dose of medication. That ER physician, fresh out of residency was so rattled
and concerned about other patients he didn’t even give you a chance. And worse,
he didn’t seem concerned at all about our baby. And no one had seen what I had
seen. No one had seen the violent shaking, the interrupted breathing, the gasps
where it felt like you were just searching for your next breath. And so, we
were discharged. Sent home. “Everything should be back to normal within 24
hours” they said. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When they weren’t I began searching, praying, reflecting,
and praying some more. I hated myself for not listening to you over the
previous weeks when you said you felt “slow”. I just figured it was the first
trimester, of course you felt slower, you were making a baby! I hated that
every doctor I called didn’t seem to care. Don’t get me wrong, I’m immensely
grateful for all of the physicians we have seen and all they have done to help.
And statistically most patients explaining what I had been trying to probably
don’t have what you have. So their line of thinking in saying “it will all be
alright”, or “it’s probably nothing” normally works out for them. But I’ve
never felt so frustrated in my life by our medical system.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I felt hopeless, reading survey’s to you as doctor after
doctor tried to say it was all depression during pregnancy. I felt worse when I
heard your responses and knew that you had felt abandoned by me; That in some
way you felt completely alone. I knew that in some regard depression did have
something to do with what was going on, but then the grand mal seizures started
happening. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And no one believed what was
happening</i>. We would drive to every appointment and you would seize the
entire ride there. We would drive home from every appointment and you would
seize the entire ride home. I hated the car. I hated everything about trying to
restrain you while also being relaxed. I didn’t want to cause you harm, but
also didn’t want you to put your body through the window. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p>I thought we finally had it figured out when I showed the
video to a physician that it seemed was finally ready to listen. It had been
two weeks since your initial ER visit. Two weeks of fighting and calling and
visiting and repeating and seizures gradually building day by day, getting
worse and worse. Finally someone listened. Within 25 minutes we were in the ER,
an order put in for an EEG to monitor your brain activity during the episodes.
We’d been down this road before. Camden’s EEGs always came back normal. Kyra’s
did too. But this time I had a striking fear that something was going to be
different. “Push the button each time you see an event so we can track the
video with the brain activity”. And all you had were the smallest of seizures compared
to what I had seen. The Neurologists were sure “everything was fine”. Your EEG
looked normal. I felt torn. Had they actually captured everything? Still, after
two weeks, no one had seen what I had seen. Some had seen bits and pieces, but
no one had seen the full-blown events. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So then we played the waiting game of getting in to see a
seizure specialist. How is it that we can’t get in to see a specialist for 3
months? By some miracle we got in early due to a cancelation. For the first
time I thought we had it figured out. Non-Epileptic Seizures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt like this doctor took us seriously,
even though she hadn’t seen a “big one”. But what was the treatment? Nothing. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Find your own doctor who specializes in
these things</i>. Find our own? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so we sat for weeks more. All the while your seizures
escalating in both frequency, length, and severity. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">All the while no one seeing what I saw</i>. I had next to no patience
with Camden and Kyra. I felt like I couldn’t keep up with the laundry, and
cleaning, and eating or sleeping. Energy drinks suddenly became my “elixir of
life” once everyone was finally asleep and I would open my laptop to get
plugged in and work. And so I would work each night for 4 to 6 hours. And then
I would force myself to still wake up and lift. Those 60 minutes in the gym
were my break. Those 60 minutes were my escape. I knew that my body was
fatigued and broken and sleep deprived, but I needed those 60 minutes to just
let it all go. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then the kids would wake up. The day would start. I had
no idea what each day would bring. And yet somehow, through it all, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">still wasn’t truly listening to you.</i> I
hated myself for not listening before, but here you were. Fighting with
everything you had through every day. Do you remember the beginning of this? Do
you remember having 20 or more seizures a day for weeks at a time? I can’t
imagine the pain you felt. I can’t imagine the lack of independence. I can’t
imagine not being able to control my own body or my own mind. I can’t imagine
how empty you must have felt being able to hear me, but not do anything about
what was happening to you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ll never forget driving home one night. You want soup. So
we went to get soup. Early on in this pregnancy I just decided whatever you
needed, it didn’t matter the cost. It was about getting through every day.
Every single day. One day at a time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So Chick-Fil-A Chicken Noodle soup it was. I asked if you
wanted me to just run and get it. You said you wanted to come along with the
kids. So off we went. We made it to the restaurant and got our food with no
events. I was so pumped! And then came the drive home. It was late, and as if
riding the car wasn’t enough to normally send your body into a tale-spin,
driving at night was just icing on the cake. All of the head lights streaming
past seemed to instantly send you into the most violent of seizures. All I
wanted to do was get you home. That drive from Chick-Fil-A probably takes 15
minutes at the most. On this particular night it seemed to take hours. This was
one of your biggest seizures yet. I tried to help you, and I tried to shield
the kids from seeing you, all while driving 80 miles an hour with my knees to
get you home as fast as I could. I wept. All I could say was “I’m here Amy.
You’re okay.” Followed by “Mommy’s okay guys. She’s just a little sick”. How on
earth do you explain to a five and almost three year old that seizures are
okay? I remember going to another room once everyone was in bed and just
crying. I cried for a long time. I didn’t know what to do, how to help you, how
to help our baby, or our kids. And honestly all I wanted to do was talk to my
parents. I wanted to talk to someone about how to cope with this. I prayed and
felt alone. I felt such a lack of faith. How many blessings had you received?
How many had I personally given you? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why
weren’t any of them working?</i> I had family and friends I could reach out to
at a moments notice. I knew that. But I didn’t feel like any of them would
understand. And so I didn’t. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Within another day I had had enough. I prayed for help at
the end of my rope. Your OB-GYN called me on his lunch break. I just unloaded
on him for 25 minutes straight. I’m not sure I’ve ever had that experience with
a doctor. Suddenly a chance at a second opinion went from a three month wait to
a “Can you come tomorrow at 11am?”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Within two weeks we were bringing our bags into Swedish
Medical Center for a week long stay in the epilepsy monitoring unit. The week
of Halloween. You were heartbroken that you would miss trick-or-treating with
the kids. And let me just say that’s how it’s been this entire pregnancy. Even
through all the seizures and the sickness your first thought has always been on
the kids and on me. I’m not sure how we got so lucky. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After the first two days I thought this would be another EEG
with only minor events. Why couldn’t anyone else see a big one? I didn’t get
it. And then it finally happened. Three big seizures, the last of which was the
biggest I had yet seen. All between 2am and 5am on the third day. I felt
immense relief that at least someone else had finally seen what I had been
trying to describe for two months. I laughed so hard when you thought your
nurse was Jesus, partly because I finally felt free of this burden I had been
carrying for months. I had tried my best to be your advocate and until that
night I felt nothing had worked. I was so tired driving home that morning at
5:30am, but it was the first moment of true peace I had felt in months. I wept
again and was thankful that some prayers had finally been answered. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was grateful to the friends and family we’ve had helping
us out. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was grateful that we finally had a treatment plan to start
getting you help.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was grateful that the kids had somehow survived.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was grateful that I had such a flexible job that allowed
me to work remotely, and at whatever time of day or night that I could. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But mostly, and above all, I was grateful for you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even now, as we approach the end, and your life is still so
incredibly miserable you are fighting your hardest through every single day.
You are fighting the times when your mind tries desperately to dissociate. You
are fighting the physical pains of a torn hip, of a seizure worn body, and of a
growing baby. You have fought through multiple bouts of the flu, throwing up
dozens of times. You have fought through ER visits for yourself to get fluids.
You have fought through ER visits for our kids. You have fought through extra
ultrasounds making sure our baby is healthy and okay. You have fought through
my days of being irritated, out of patience, and out of energy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lastly you have fought through the times when it seems like
everyone else around has moved on; the times when just because we got a
diagnosis and are getting treatment that doesn’t mean life is any easier. Yes,
your seizures have lessened. But they haven’t gone away. Not long ago you
seized off and on for an hour straight. I wept again. I pleaded with God to
know why these were still happening. And I don’t have an answer. All I know is
you are the only person I know strong enough to have endured what you have. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You and I have said many times that no one is made to
experience anything more or less severe than anyone else. We have so often
heard from others “There is no way I could have gone through that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well there is no way we could have either; we just did. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You just did. </i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So above all I just want to say thank you. Thank you for
never giving up. Thank you for giving me the chance to lift you up when you
couldn’t lift yourself. Thank you for making me better. Thank you for giving me
the chance to learn and listen. I’ve joked several times that the only reason
you had to go through this was for me to learn. Although I don’t actually think
that is the case, I have learned valuable lessons. I have gotten better and I
will always try to continue that trend. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes our weekly grind gets tiring. Usually two to three
appointments a week. My “Chick-Fil-A” Tuesday mornings with the kids after we
drop you off at treatment. Our “Einsten Bagels” Wednseday’s with the kids after
an OB appointment. Or even our “Mickey Mouse” Friday’s with the kids while you
get prenatal chiropractic adjustments. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I
know you feel bad for our kids because we’ve all lived in the car for the past
eight months. I feel bad for them to because of how out of patience I have
been.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’m not worried for the future. Because our kids have
you as a mom. And every ounce of fight that I have seen you put out the past
eight months lives in them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So thank you for everything. Thank you for carrying another
baby for our family. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No matter what happens next with the delivery, or the
seizures, or any of it; thank you for letting me tag along. I don’t like being
vulnerable. I don’t like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i>
letting others in. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’m not going anywhere;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is what I signed up for.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Garth<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-15404255926814160622017-06-10T13:43:00.003-07:002017-06-10T14:30:37.975-07:00My White Flag<style>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning while doing my hair I felt the intense need to
write a story that has been bouncing around in my head for some time. Immediately
I thought, na, I don’t have a point or a good tie in yet, but again the thought
came, it’s time to share.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here I am, over-sharing again for no apparent reason
because I guess that’s just who I am. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sure you’re all keenly aware, and borderline annoyed at
how often you’re reminded that my son was sick and had brain surgery. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Come on Amy move FORWARD already. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I promise don’t want to talk about that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to selfishly, and unapologetically talk about me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Really, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i>
about ME.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terribly uncomfortable but here
goes:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You see a lot occurred in 3 years that I wouldn’t consider
normal or easy, but it also isn’t the worst thing people experience. People
endure far worse, and people often do so with grace. So I don’t think my story
is unique or some amazing feet that the world should be proud of, but I think what
happened to me on a personal level happens all too often. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was 21 when a baby was placed in my arms that would spend
the next 2.5 years chronically ill. I would spend 100s of nights up rocking a
screaming infant, then toddler, then child, who was in chronic pain. I would
see multiple specialists a week, endure many tests, debate with several
doctors, and spend countless hours on google. I would spend many nights crying,
pleading, begging, and breaking. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The funny thing is that when I look back at just those moments
I am proud and I feel peace. I rallied for Camden. I rallied for the baby in my
belly (Kyra) who kept trying to come too early in the middle of it all. I
relied on my savior and I blasted through it all full speed with positivity and
the ability to manage it all. I killed it!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who I didn’t realize I needed to rally for was me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now when I look back I can see what I didn’t see then. As a
coping mechanism, I began to just turn certain needs off, because it simply
wasn’t convenient for me to need them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somewhere along the way I wasn’t taking care of myself, I
guess I figured I would do that later. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t pinpoint when the decline started honestly. I
remember going to lunch with my sisters and watching them talk and laugh and
feeling completely unable to authentically participate. I was spent. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To put it plainly, Amy wasn’t there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Camden’s and Kyra’s mom was there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Garth’s wife was there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They asked me if I was okay, I told them I was tired, and
that’s honestly the last time I remember putting in the effort to be present
beyond when my family needed me to be during it all. Unless I was experiencing
raw deep emotion, like stress/worry/fear, I wasn’t present. I would attend
girls’ nights for a while and answer a million questions about Camden, and then
I would sit in my head, going through the motions of being excited about
things like hot chocolate and dessert and the things girls do when they go
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except I didn’t feel excited. I
simply didn’t feel anything, and it was exhausting to keep pretending like I
did. I told myself that it was simply because I had bigger fish to fry at the
moment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eventually I stopped going, and I started hearing a lot of
questions/passing gossip about why I didn’t have time to come to things, what I
did with my time, etc etc. and I just moved on. Part of me wanted to scream, do
you realized what I am dealing with all day? But instead I turned the social
part of me off, and turned in more to my family. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Obviously, you know how the story goes. We did surgery,
Camden recovered super well, Kyra managed to stay in my belly til near her due
date, and life was tied up with a pretty bow. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next year (this past year) would be the first year in my
mom life my entire family was healthy and there were no trips to the ER. We
bought our first home. Garth graduated and got a job that he loved, and life
was SO GOOD. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it didn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feel</i>
good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And boy did this make me so
frustrated with myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Plainly and bluntly, last year was the lowest year of my
life, and I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>still hate saying that. But
it is TRUE. It SHOULD be when Camden was sick. It SHOULD have been when he had
surgery. It SHOULD have been when I was in chronic pre-term labor. But it
wasn’t. It was last year. The pretty bow year.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It took me a long time to realize/accept because the decline
in me was gradual and to me completely illogical. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would get up and put on my workout clothes, only to walk
to the basement gym and stand there with no drive to get a workout in. I
excused it for the fact I take care of three young kids all day. Eventually I
stopped even trying. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t keep in contact with anyone. I never texted people
back, and I didn’t reach out. I was <u>always</u> exhausted. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was walking in a fog I couldn’t navigate or figure out how
to fix. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eventually I completely stopped sleeping. Instead of laying
in bed unable to sleep I just started being productive at night and excused
away my lack of sleep for the fact that I was so busy. I was averaging <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">maybe</b> 3-4 hours on a good night. I just
told myself you’re so busy! When you’re less busy you will sleep more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t make Amy be present. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One day while cleaning the bathroom I stood up and I looked in
the mirror. I barely recognized who I saw and I wondered how much I weighed. So
I got on the scale for the first time in a very long time and realized I had
lost nearly 15 lbs. Which put me at a very, very low weight. I thought about
the day and wondered, did I eat? Did I eat yesterday? The day before? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was in that moment
staring at myself in a mirror I realized I was truly physically ill. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It still took me weeks to tell Garth, but by the time I did
I was barely functioning. I was functioning on a level that I met my children’s
basic needs but then I spent the rest of the day accomplishing nothing and
feeling horrible about accomplishing nothing. Finally one night I managed to
simply blurt out “this has been the worst year of my life”. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At first, Garth didn’t understand. I started telling him
about my sleep, my weight, my lack of joy in anything, etc. We went back and
forth trying to find a common ground. I started researching depression so I
could find better ways to explain it to him and we had to work really, really
hard together to get on the same page with it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Depression has never, ever been something on my radar. It
took me so long to admit that it could be an issue for me because I have never
even had an inkling of it. I’ve always felt like a positive person, and when I
looked back at the previous year I felt like I had handled it all with
realistic positivity so how could I possibly be depressed now? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The problem was that I had fought so hard for everyone else,
I had nothing left of myself in the end. Which forgive me for how dramatic that
sounds! But it’s the truth. WE are important. Our needs are important. When we
put them on the shelf too long, we break. It’s as simple as that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I broke. I broke in a way I never would’ve imagined possible
for myself. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Long story short, a while ago I was diagnosed with
trauma-induced anxiety and depression. I have learned SO much from pulling
myself out of such a deep hole. Somewhere along the way Garth helped me get the
courage to fight, and I started pursuing every avenue I could to fight to
understand and to manage it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My bishop was wise and told me that first I would need to
accept that this could be a life long struggle, not to just assume I could fix
it and close the door. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That was hard for me. But because I am a mom I knew that I
needed to learn everything I could about where I was at mentally so that I
could have tools to cope and fight it should it ever creep in again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I look back I still get frustrated. I was so NOT
present that the past year is foggy. There are things about Kyra’s newborn days
I flat don’t remember. I remember SO much about Camden’s, but with Kyra’s I
just can’t and that hurts me still. There are SO many people who I shut out and
unintentionally pushed away because I just didn’t have the emotional stamina to
reach out. There were so many people I COULD have reached out to, but I didn’t
know how. There are a million apologies I probably owe, but will never be able
to give. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am doing really well at the moment, and I have really
learned how to slow my mind and just take things a day at a time. Initially it
made me feel so weak to be struggling, but I have come to learn that the people
battling for the light at the end of the tunnel are SO strong, and they come
back into the light that much stronger. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All that I know is that my one new years resolution was to
feel like Amy again. A simple, mildly pathetic, goal. And I am so happy to be
able to say I’m getting to know her again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The season of life I am in right now is good. I feel good,
my family is doing good, and we have great health all around. However, I have
come to learn that everything truly has its season. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There will be times of triumph, times for the battles, times
of peace, and times where we are low and we need our neighbor. The tricky part is that our seasons don’t all happen at the same time. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So if you’re in the midst of a battle, don’t be discouraged
by someone's season of peace. When you’re low, don’t be afraid to reach
out just because it seems like everyone else is so triumphant. We all have our
seasons, some of us have every season in one short year. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I think we get so focused on this comparing, we
either miss the needs of those around us or we hide our own in order to keep up.
We could help lift and encourage each other so much more if we weren’t always
competing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So this is me waving my white flag of surrender. Lets not
compete, lets not compare, and lets not be ashamed of where we are at in
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fell apart and I broke and I hid it so well that I was
completely alone. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So maybe I’m writing this for me because I have this
ever-obnoxious need to try to be as authentic as possible. Maybe it’s so I
force myself to not feel any sort of shame about it. Maybe it will help someone
realize that we don’t all have it all together. Maybe it will inspire someone
to reach out to someone who could be struggling. Maybe it will inspire someone
to smile more and just be kinder to his or her neighbors. Or maybe it will
remind someone who is struggling that they’re not alone. </div>
Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-65437967450629203132016-12-21T21:38:00.000-08:002016-12-21T21:38:25.182-08:00To My Kyra GirlKyra,<br />
<br />
Oh Kyra. Where to begin?<br />
I feel horrible that I haven't blogged in so long. I so carefully documented Camden's life through this blog, and somehow this year I have completely failed you. There are so many things I want you to know about your first year and about your entrance into our family.<br />
<br />
You came at the perfect time for me. I myself would not have designed the timing in the way it happened, but that's because I have a limited perspective. Thankfully your Heavenly Father knows us best.<br />
<br />
Getting pregnant with you required surgery and the confirmation of endometriosis. The moment I knew I was pregnant I checked your due date, and then I laughed and said "whoops". You were due Christmas day. I was so happy to be pregnant, but also so scared of the sickness. I was definitely sick again, sometimes throwing up 15+ times a day. But you gave me random days off, which Camden did not.<br />
<br />
From an outside perspective, you entered our family equation during such a whirlwind. I had to be checked for pre-term labor symptoms before I even knew your gender. They told me at that appointment that I could lose you and that they couldn't stop it because it was too early. But we fought on. I couldn't slow down much due to all the appointments and late nights of pain with Camden, but you kept growing and doing well at every appointment. I was able to keep everything with pregnancy at bay until shortly after brain surgery when the constant labor and constant trips to the hospital to keep you in longer started. I remember crying in the hospital when they wouldn't let me leave because they couldn't stop my labor. I was 32 weeks and they told me it could be likely you would arrive soon. I cried because I felt like I couldn't catch a break and I was so tired of hospital stays. Looking back now I can see that you WERE my break. The constant labor, the reminder to slow down for you-- those were my needed breaks. Even being in the hospital laying in a bed, ordering whatever I wanted to eat, that was a break. They were my opportunities to focus on something other than chiari, my opportunities to be selfish and sit down and rest in the name of a healthy growing baby. Counting and timing contractions all day long gave me something to focus on that I could measure, quantify, control. You gave me something else to focus on, something else to be determined for, and something to look forward to. It took me a while to realize how much I needed those "breaks" but I did, and I am so grateful to have had them.<br />
<br />
Your labor was challenging to say the least, you were facing the wrong way the whole time but to everyone's surprise (and my pain) you cork screwed on the last push -- and you have not stopped surprising me since. I can't describe your entrance into this family in any other way than you are the spark off the bench that we needed at this point in the game. I wish I realized then how much I needed your spunk. You are such a funny, loud, assertive, dominant, adorable, little girl. So dainty and skinny, but SO feisty! Seriously, so much personality in such a little body!! You added the extra oomph we needed to push through 2015 and kick-start 2016.<br />
<br />
Watching you grow and seeing more of your personality develop has softened my heart, lightened my load, and made me laugh time and time again. You have consistently been a complete Momma's girl. You laugh deep and in your belly. You smile in a way that takes up your whole face. You growl at people and push away their hands when you've had enough of their affection. You push daddy away when he kisses me and I'm holding you. You lean in when you want me to kiss your cheek. You randomly grab my nose and squeal with the most giddy loud laughter you can muster. You snore a dainty adorable snore. You reach for me and squeal anytime I enter a room. You crawl around this house like you own it-- and you kind of do. You terrorize Camden. You crawl so much with your hands full of cars that you look like you have a limp. You babble and laugh at your own noises. Your cry is the most painful horrid cry I have ever heard, and you seem to plan to keep it that way.<br />
You fit perfectly into our crazy messy life, and you have carried me more than I feel I have carried you in this last year.<br />
I'm so grateful to call you my daughter, and I can't wait to see who you become.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Mom. <br />
<br /><br />
<br />Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-959013377798901422016-03-09T20:18:00.000-08:002016-03-09T21:51:25.581-08:00Happy Endings and Battle Wounds<div class="MsoNormal">
When I think about the past year, sometimes I feel a sting.
Like I shouldn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">still </i>be thinking
about the past year. I have this idea in my head that I should have moved on by
now. That people don’t want to hear me talk about it anymore, and like it is
now “old news”. I feel a guilt associated with my bad days, as if having bad
days means I’m ungrateful and weak. I feel like the fact I have continued to have some bad days means all the strength I felt I had before wasn’t real. I remind myself that
things are much worse for so many people, and that things aren’t that bad for me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This
cycle of pushing myself to find strength and beating myself up for losing it
has continued for some time now. This week I decided I needed to either go back
and better deal with the situation, or I needed to find a way to reprocess my
current state of being. The more thought I have put into it the more I realized
that it’s entirely possible that there is a distinct lack of talk about “life
after the storm” as a society. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve noticed that when someone is struggling people tend to
instinctively tell them it will be okay. We point out how strong they are, we
admire their ability to navigate their storm, and we praise their faith. We do
not admire the aftermath, I’m not sure we even like to think about it. We want
to hear that they triumphed. We want the happy ending tied up with a bow, and
if the one suffering doesn’t see their happy ending we feel the need to point
out how happy things are for them, or even how much less happy someone else’s
situation is. There is no appreciation for the process. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel like I have had the concept of “everything will be
okay” beaten into me. Everywhere I turned for relief I received the reminder
that I just needed to remember things will be okay. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And things are okay, but things are also absolutely <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>not</u></b> okay. It wasn’t until this
time last year that I realized these two states of being could coexist. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The truth is I am different. My family as a unit is
different. Life is different. That concept has proven almost as hard to accept
as the chiari itself. I wanted to deny the ability for anything to cause
permanent damage. I feel angry and impatient with myself. I tell myself it’s
just dramatic and annoying I feel this way at this point.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is as if I wanted to rely on The Savior hard enough that
I would walk out of it all <u>only</u> better.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am slowly learning that the battle wounds go hand in hand
with the testimony gained. I had to fall down for the strength I felt to come,
but that strength does not change the fact that I fell. Sometimes for scraped
knees to heal a scar has to form. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When Camden points to his stuffed animal’s head and tells me
it hurts it seems to shatter my world all over again. The fact that he
remembers it is enough of a blow by itself, but the fear that he is using this
to express his own pain is worse. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first time Camden pointed to his head and said it hurt
post op I felt it all come washing over me again. The fear, the sorrow, the
anger, the questions. It comes back so fast it’s easy to forget how far we’ve
come. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The recent drive we had to the ER for Camden’s possible
seizures reminded me I don’t get to just turn away and decide I’m done. Life
keeps going, and my life frequently leads to Children’s Hospital. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Camden woke recently at night in what seemed like major pain
and my mind can’t not go down the chiari road. We are so used to it being his
pain and defining most of what he did. As much as I wish I could I will never separate
the chiari from Camden. It will always be a factor, and always a fear. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the neurologist explained the paperwork that would need
to be submitted to any schools Camden attends it broke my heart a little. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I signed Camden up for preschool I got a distinct lump
in my throat as I stared at the line I was supposed to write any medical
diagnoses or chronic illnesses on. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I cry that I still have not felt rest. That I am
still so tired. So drained from all the guesswork, all the pain and tests I’ve
watched Camden endure. I am ready for rest. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some days as I watch him run around and play seeing his scar
physically hurts me. It’s not just the reminder or the fact that he’s different
from those he plays with, there’s just something about seeing your perfect little
child’s body damaged that hurts a mom’s heart. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here’s to being real about life after a storm:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s true what they
say, things <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are </i>okay. I really have
grown. I have felt fear and I have felt strength, I have felt bitterness and I
have felt gratitude, I have been carried and I have crumbled—and I have the
scars to prove it all. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-83998438557321200212016-01-02T11:23:00.000-08:002016-01-02T11:23:04.596-08:00Kyra's Birth as told by Garth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbZ4JZBRn2zg5Bg5UbNM7apF7Mj6-8c_1S9BlOegcGxS1eSGrW7b8YKVSzKydzznBXVSFjj7XiIFpD2GNX52sLjlMtepuXQLcjFv2M6qO6MRp2KDbXoXNAq1bhrWn2tC4EUJqYxJ3YB5A/s1600/buzz-2-10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="430" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbZ4JZBRn2zg5Bg5UbNM7apF7Mj6-8c_1S9BlOegcGxS1eSGrW7b8YKVSzKydzznBXVSFjj7XiIFpD2GNX52sLjlMtepuXQLcjFv2M6qO6MRp2KDbXoXNAq1bhrWn2tC4EUJqYxJ3YB5A/s640/buzz-2-10.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Once in awhile Amy asks me to write down my perspective of a
certain event that has happened in our lives. Although this is something that I
should definitely do for myself anyways, it has become a bit more frequent over
the last two years. And so here we are again; another milestone, another
experience, and not unusual a medical one at that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We were
sitting in the sacrament service of our church meeting early in November when
Amy told me she was having regular contractions. This was not unusual for this
pregnancy and normally due to some form of over-activity and the cure was
normally to sit down and relax for an hour and they would subside. The problem
here was, in sacrament meeting we had been doing nothing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">but </i>sitting. I remember Camden needing a diaper change, and so
suggested maybe walking around would help the baby move positions and ease the
contractions when she got back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well
that was a stupid idea! A little over an hour later, with contractions still 2
minutes apart and 10 minutes into my Sunday school class we were out the door,
dropping Camden off at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, and en route to Rose
Medical Center in Denver. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>At this
point a few things were going through my mind:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->She is 33 weeks pregnant. Is this real?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->This is real. Is this why we came to Rose
because they have such a good NICU?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->If she is in labor, I didn’t eat breakfast. This
can’t be good. Don’t like your knees when we get there.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Well we arrived, and it being
Sunday had to check in through the ER. She was 2 cm dilated, 70% effaced. Long
story short, they gave her steroid shots to help the baby’s development should
she come early, which she tested positive for (although the positive predictive
value isn’t very strong <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">ß</span></span>
biostatistics!). We were kept 2 days. The food at Rose was delicious. We were
very bored. They stopped her contractions with blood pressure medication (the
common practice performed and little to no risk to baby). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
We came home with a prescription,
modified bed-rest directions, and anxious/nervous minds about what would
happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We cleaned the whole house just
in case. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Contractions happened again that
night, took the medicine, nothing happened. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Over the course of the next few
weeks Amy would have contractions 2 minutes apart for hours on end, sometimes
up to 13 hours straight. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Black Friday early morning
(sometime prior to 4am) Amy tells me she’s contracting, so she’s going to get
ready. I pack the bags again. We clean the house. Somewhere close to 6am we
decide to sit down and watch a tv show and see if they continue (Thank you
Suits). Contractions subside. Nothing happens again. Whew. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
We ended up reporting to the
hospital a few more times for contractions, or fluid leaks, all ended up being
false alarms. But boy did I get good at speed cleaning, packing bags, and
loading everything up in record time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
By week 38 we stumbled upon the
Prodromal labor term. This fit what was happening exactly. Maybe baby just
wasn’t positioned right? Who knows. 38 week appointment Amy was checked: still
2 cm, still 70% effaced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our doctor,
whom was chosen because he does not offer inductions, is very pro-natural
birth, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">offers an induction before
Christmas. </i>What in the world? Lets review the pregnancy: Camden is
diagnosed with Chiari at 17 weeks = Amy contracts heavily for hours -> we go
to the hospital. Camden has surgery = Amy contracts heavily for hours ->
doesn’t tell anyone so we don’t go anywhere (So Stubborn!). 33 weeks very moving
Sunday hymns influence baby girl to want to join in the signing = preterm labor
-> hospital visit. 33 weeks to 39 weeks Prodromal labor, hours on end every
night, no progress. Yes, 7 weeks of labor. Yikes. After A LOT of thought and
consideration we accept the offer to be induced, but in the order of operations
we still want to do things as naturally as possible. Dr. says he is confident
once he breaks her water she could very well just go into labor and everything
will be gravy (not literally). Walk Flat Irons mall twice over the weekend
prior to induction to try and put Amy into labor, walking at least 3 miles each
visit (too cold outside to walk with Camden). Lots of contractions, but they
stop after a few hours this time, not to mention we are not going back to the
hospital again unless her water breaks, or the contractions are extremely
painful and different than before. Nothing happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whew?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Tuesday morning of December 22:
induction day. We are instructed to arrive at 6am. We arrive at 5:30am to check
in. Another couple arrives before us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They get checked in first. Pretty sure they got a bigger delivery room.
We get the shaft again. From 6am to 8am we sit in the closet room (very small,
not much pacing room, and come to find out neither our Dr. or nurse both of 20+
years at Rose have ever delivered in this room before. Ultimate shaft!). After
two hours of doing nothing, Dr. finally comes and checks her. 2cm. 70%
effaced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of those weeks of
contracting did nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Awesome. Were
they real contractions? Absolutely. Everything showed on the contraction
monitor each and every time. Perfect. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">8:05am</b> Dr. breaks her water. Here we go. Contractions are more
intense. She contracts for two hours, with more intense contractions. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">10am</b> the nurse checks her. A little
over 2 cm. 70% effaced, -2 delivery position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No progress? Awesome. Shaft again. 7 weeks of labor and water breaking =
no progress for baby girl. Lowest dose of Pitocin is started. We request an
exercise ball for Amy. Nurse: “Let me see if I can find one”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mind you we have been to this hospital many
times and I know for a fact there are multiple exercise balls in the closets of
every other room we have checked into prior to induction. Shaft again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Contractions are obviously more intense now.
30 minutes passes, where is the exercise ball? Nurse: “Let me see if I can
round one up”. 15 more minutes passes. Nurse: “I haven’t even had a chance to
look for a ball yet”. For the love why can’t we just get an exercise ball and
we will leave you alone! (The exercise ball really helped Amy in transition of
Camden’s labor, we also couldn’t get into the tub yet because Amy was still
hooked up to all the monitors due to Pitocin being used.) Finally after an hour
from initial request we get the flipping exercise ball. Then we leave the
nurses alone for over an hour. Magic! <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">12pm
</b>we request a mobile monitoring system (which are wireless and waterproof)
so Amy can get into the tub. Nurse checks her: 6 cm, 80% effaced. Things are
working. Nurse: “Let me see if I can find the mobile monitors”. Here we go
again. I should note, in each of our previous visits the nurses immediately
offered mobile monitors. We know the hospital is busy on this day, 12 women in
labor at exactly the same time as us. BUT as far as we know we are the only
ones without an epidural, rendering mobile monitors available. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">12:15pm </b>Where are the mobile monitors?
Nurse: I haven’t even looked yet. Shaft. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">12:25pm
</b>Where are the mobile monitors? We really need to get into the tub to help
with these contractions. Nurse: Let me see if I can find some. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">12:30pm </b>Another nurse from one of our
previous visits passes by, immediately gets the mobile monitors. We get in the
tub until <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2:30pm </b>and leave the
nurses alone for two hours. MAGIC!<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>Now
suddenly our nurse, as well as two others are constantly waiting on us, after
seemingly being annoyed by our requests earlier in the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our conclusion: they thought Amy saying she
would do it natural was a joke, and thought our requests were annoying if we
were just going to get an epidural.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I’m
in no way saying that getting an epidural is bad, everyone’s labor is
different. I AM however saying Amy is a FREAKING ROCK STAR). <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2:30pm </b>nurse checks Amy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>7.5 cm. 90% effaced 0 delivery position. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2:50pm </b>Back to the tub. Intense back
labor. Baby is posterior. Could make labor long and delivery very painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3:15pm
</b>back out of the tub. Nurse checks Amy: 8.5-9cm. +1 delivery position. Lean
over the exercise ball on the bed. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3:20pm
</b>Nurse checks Amy: 10cm. Here we go. They call the doctor. He is there by <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3:30pm. </b>Amy is doing amazing. Breathing
through every contraction like a champ. Amy says she needs to start pushing.
Dr. says to give him 3 minutes to get everything ready. My thoughts: “3
minutes? You better do your best 30 second drill buddy she’s ready to push!
This is your job!” <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3:37pm </b>Amy starts
pushing. Baby flips to be anterior while this happenening, extremely painful.
For the first time Amy says she is in intense pain and doesn’t know is she can
do it. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3:47pm </b>Kyra Gwenn Wright is
born, and looking very blue. Blue? Is everything okay? Dr. “We are a mile high,
all babies are born blue here”. Whew! Look at all that hair! 7 lb 4 0z, 20
inches, 8-9 APGAR. For the first time, we didn’t get the shaft!<o:p></o:p></div>
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The rest of our hospital stay was
very nice. It’s amazing how annoyed the nurses seemed by us up until they
realized we were serious about our birth plan. Then once they saw Amy doing
what she did, utter amazement, full support, didn’t leave the room, gave her
whatever she wanted. Dr. “Amy your control during that delivery was incredible.
I wish all my patients were half as good as you”. That’s my girl! I know I
couldn’t do it, but she can! Absolutely incredible. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Dr. Levy was incredible (although
some of his comments were ill-timed for Amy’s liking haha). He did a wonderful
job. Our nurses turned out to be great in the end. Although they are perfectly
terrible at putting in IV’s (to this day Amy’s entire hand is still bruised
from burst veins). As usual, the food was great, and I gained 4.5 pounds in our
1.5 day stay in the hospital. Perfect! We were home by the afternoon of the 23<sup>rd</sup>.
Kyra is beautiful. Amy is beautiful. Camden is…still unsure about who Kyra is.
But we are officially a family of four! And that, is definitely not the shaft. <o:p></o:p></div>
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-Garth<o:p></o:p></div>
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Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-32289034452824498682015-12-31T11:19:00.002-08:002015-12-31T11:19:49.850-08:00Kyra's Birth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I wanted to try to write up Kyra's birth story before I forgot any of the little details.<br />
Most of you probably know a lot of them but for my memory sake I will reiterate so feel free to skip around.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Xv0e2Jh5sH0b26zSCLFbGZHuFWpQwf5zGxCKIC7fjmbSgzn78CBVtn0AyjLPNQSDwrtDwrzFghOwBKdgS-x4jSgCbfVto04VdqcqWHtPRBZ_laKefv78CJsQlUeiImPocMaARspJnYA/s1600/IMG_1754.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-Xv0e2Jh5sH0b26zSCLFbGZHuFWpQwf5zGxCKIC7fjmbSgzn78CBVtn0AyjLPNQSDwrtDwrzFghOwBKdgS-x4jSgCbfVto04VdqcqWHtPRBZ_laKefv78CJsQlUeiImPocMaARspJnYA/s400/IMG_1754.JPG" width="300" /></a><br />
I went into pre-term labor with Kyra at 33 weeks. I was sitting in church and Garth didn't believe I was contracting. I tried to give it a couple hours but finally I told him we needed to go in to be safe. So we went in and sure enough my contractions were good and strong 2 minutes apart and had been for hours. I was 2cm dilated and 60% effaced. And all of the tests they did to test for the possibility of labor came back positive so I was forced to stay. I was then put on modified bed rest and medicine to stop the contractions.<br />
I took the medicine as sparingly as possible. It gave me hot flashes and causes swelling and rapid weight gain. I also don't like being on medicine pregnant AT ALL. So I only took it after I had exhausted all other methods of stopping the contractions.<br />
I went off the medicine on Thanksgiving and black Friday I had contractions all night long 2-3 minutes apart that never progressed.<br />
This became my new normal. Prodromal labor about 3-5 nights a week that started almost like clockwork between 7-8pm every single night. Hard contractions 2-3 minutes apart for hours and hours on end. Sometimes they would make me go into the hospital to check baby girl. Other times I would just do my best to get any amount of sleep.<br />
By 38 weeks my doctor said my baby was still not engaging and I wasn't progressing at all despite my body trying. It is common after being on the meds for pre term labor that your body struggles to get it going again. He offered to induce me and I was shocked.<br />
I had specifically sought out a doctor who I knew would never ever induce me unless necessary. He is so stubborn about meds and interventions in pregnancy.<br />
But he knew all about Camden's surgery, and I came in with contractions when Camden got the diagnosis, and then he watched me not sleep and struggle right after Camden had surgery so honestly I think he just took major pity on me. He said he normally never offers but knew my pregnancy had been such a long road.<br />
I was on the fence but ultimately decided I was ready to be a mom again. Ready to sleep again and ready to feel good again.<br />
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So December 22nd we were scheduled for 6am induction. The doctor hoped that if he broke my water it would be enough to kick me into labor and my body would just go.<br />
When we arrived they were very very behind and we were told we would have to wait a couple hours. Waiting they had me on monitors and it was funny to see I was already contracting 2-3 minutes apart, as per usual.<br />
After a while I asked if we could eat and she said you will have to ask your doctor. My doctor arrived at 8 and said I'm here to break your water! Which meant no eating. And I was starving! But I was ready to be done being pregnant even more. So he broke my water which was actually quite weird. Camden my water was broken at 9cm and then I just pushed him out. I didn't really feel much. Breaking your water early is kind of gross. I didn't even consider how messy and inconvenient it would be to be periodically gushing water through my entire labor. I like to walk around and move so that was an unfortunate realization. But we managed!<br />
I walked for two hours straight though I had asked for a birthing ball, my nurse never brought one back. You could tell she really didn't think I was going to go natural and didn't like the idea of having to let me. I imagine for inductions is so much easier to get an epidural in and get the pit turned way way up. Then the nurses really can just time it all however they want. But oh well. She was a little harsh at first. Garth ate food at this time much to my dismay but I knew if he didn't he would get sick.<br />
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At 10am she came in and asked if she could start the Pitocin. I said she had to check me first because I needed to mentally know where I was at and know that the pit was necessary. She acted like I was obviously not in enough pain to have increased at all but agreed. I had increased 1 cm but it wasn't enough contractions regularity wise so I agreed to let her do the pitocin. So 10am the smallest dose of the pitocin began. My contractions picked up then and I was a little nervous I wouldn't make it.<br />
I was still strapped to monitors, I FINALLY got the birthing ball, but I could only move about a foot. So I bounced on the ball and stared at the monitors.<br />
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I felt like I was having a hard time finding confidence because I felt out of control. I didn't know if my contractions were just like the ones I had had for months and would do nothing, or if the pit was working and it would stay this way for a while, or if they would keep cranking up the pitocin and things would get really really hard. Mentally I was getting discouraged and bummed out, plus I was just really tired.<br />
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I stood leaning over the ball and then alarms started to sound that my oxygen was low and my hearing muffled like I might pass out. So Garth helped me sit back down on the ball and I felt like in that moment there's no way they would let me labor naturally if the pitocin was affecting me like that. But then things changed. I felt like my body finally caught up to what the pitocin was trying to make it do and I was able to get into a bit of a rhythm. Then they upped my pitocin a little.<br />
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They checked me again and I was a 6 at noon so I had increased two more centimeters!. They were finally allowing me to get into the wireless monitors and get into the tub. I knew I could do it at this point. My body had caught up, things felt normal I was progressing, and I was finally allowed to move around. I labored in the tub for a while and you could tell that the nurse finally had confidence in me. She kept telling me how awesome I was and anyone else who came into the room told me about how they were talking about me outside the room. Garth and I laughed about how she completely did a 180 attitude wise toward us.<br />
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This labor I really did the breathing and mental managing of pain all on my own. I just closed my eyes during each contraction and kind of did my own thing so it was a very quiet labor. A nurse came in and turned down my pitocin back to 1 because she said my contractions were 1-1.5 minutes apart and really strong and she didn't want to over do it for the baby. I was still really comfortable at this point though so I was fine with whatever.My contractions were really never more than 2 minutes apart the whole labor partly because of the pitocin, but Kyra never showed any signs of stress at all.<br />
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They checked me again at 2:30 and I was a 7.5 so then I knew I was in transition and I was pretty excited. They did warn me she was posterior so transition would take longer and the back labor would be harder. We got back to the tub which was great for a while until she got really really into my back. Once she was in my back I couldn't sit anymore so we got out of the tub and I got ready to lean on the ball over the bed. The nurses were trying all sorts of different things to help with the back labor but ultimately things were getting very very intense.<br />
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Then I told them I felt like I needed to push which shocked me that it came so fast.<br />
They checked me and I was a 10 so the doctor was called and they told me to wait to push.<br />
Waiting to push is the worst feeling in the world I think!<br />
We let Anna know she needed to hurry if she was going to make it and everyone got prepped for the baby.<br />
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I had looked forward to pushing the entire time because with Camden pushing felt so good and relieving. There was minimal pain at first pushing him, of course when he crowned it did hurt. He took about 30 minutes to get out.<br />
Well Kyra was nothing like Camden. She was still posterior and she KILLED. Pushing was extremely difficult and extremely painful. I was so confused and I was struggling to find a good rhythm and position. The doctor and nurses felt a little demanding to me instead of letting me labor down and figure things out they kept telling me how to do it and the ways they wanted it done were not comfortable at all. I found myself getting a LITTLE cranky at them lol. BUT it only took 10 minutes of indescribable pain and she was out at 3:47pm. She came out very very blue which I was then told is normal in Colorado. (Highest apgar score you can get here is a 9 because of it). Who knew.<br />
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What I experienced post birth I can only describe as like a mini roid rage lol. The pitocin wasn't turned off till I had her out and right after I had her I felt really sick and really cranky, and the only thing I can think that was really different with her birth vs Camden's was that I still had pitocin pulsing through my body. I was just really crabby, and probably kind of mean to the staff..<br />
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The stitching actually hurt, the pushing on my uterus actually hurt, etc. None of that really bothered me after Camden but Kyra was SO much harder of a labor and much much harder to get out. She really hurt!!<br />
But slowly I leveled off and felt more like myself and felt better about things. I got to hold her for almost an hour before they weighed her or anything. Anna missed the birth by about 5 seconds, but she got to see her brand new and hold her too!<br />
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Overall it was a beautiful, hard, tiring experience. I'm grateful it went the way it did and I'm so glad she's here. But laboring in the hospital staring at monitors and being strapped down for 4 hours to begin is really not the most ideal way to start labor. When you're induced things are a little different as far as what you're in control of. Kyra was very painful, but I went into it knowing she would be because she was painful to just carry inside me!!. Her labor and transition was easier than it was with Camden just simply because I knew what I was doing. This was the period I was very quiet and just in my element. However, pushing her out was much much harder. So it was a give and take [:<br />
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Garth was awesome. He drew on my back from 10am to the time I began pushing. He breathed through contractions with me and he was by my side every step of the way--as usual. I seriously am so so lucky to have that man. He was all in the entire labor, except for the portion where I made him eat his food in the corner! [;<br />
The nurse actually came in and teared up telling us watching us was awesome because we are such a great team and that Garth takes such good care of me she didn't have to worry about me at all. The other nurse was shocked that I am 24 because that's how old she is, her and my doctor told us that I look like a 20 year old and act like a 32 year old. So they were all very nice. Despite the fact I think I was mean to all of them after I had her! Only for a little bit though! Then I apologized [:<br />
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She is finally here and she is beautiful!Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-1427369812735814152015-12-06T14:45:00.001-08:002015-12-06T14:45:08.069-08:00The end of pregnancyI have once again found myself in that little pregnancy trap that comes with the end of each pregnancy:<div>I am torn between the feelings of gratitude I have toward my ability to carry a child, and the feeling that she better hurry up and get the heck out of me before I have a meltdown. Haha (; </div><div><br></div><div>I am someone who does truly believe that in all walks of life and in every trial we need to find our foundation of gratitude to stand on. I believe that's not only how we are able to endure things, but how we were meant to endure them. So here is my disclaimer: </div><div>When you see me walking/waddling/limping around these days and you see the fire in my eyes when you ask me how I'm doing, just know somewhere in there I am grateful!!</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div>Physically I am feeling so very done. Contractions everyday for a month, a low low baby who never stops moving, and pelvic bones that gaped too quickly will do it to ya! Seriously if you ever hear all the popping noisies when I stand up or roll over, shed a little tear for my poor off kilter pelvic bones. </div><div>My point being, I feel I've been failing in my effort to be truly grateful, starting to get impatient and angry in the physical trial I am experiencing, so I wanted to take time to reflect on my pregnancy. </div><div><br></div><div>Trimester one: </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYDx-4TOpK2uNwNzDdOXzxLipgSBEOAWNpKVGHIBQwxQKvFCRfRrejKgkixycQRQCgzrzassGNm8dDxruezOoRWAW4Oxjm077Voq47zBs6WTlzUY0azpUHWqG81jHJF87OHoussKRIrk/s640/blogger-image-1884618049.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYDx-4TOpK2uNwNzDdOXzxLipgSBEOAWNpKVGHIBQwxQKvFCRfRrejKgkixycQRQCgzrzassGNm8dDxruezOoRWAW4Oxjm077Voq47zBs6WTlzUY0azpUHWqG81jHJF87OHoussKRIrk/s640/blogger-image-1884618049.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>The beginning of my pregnancy brings back an image of laying on the floor watching the room spin while willing myself to not throw up. I spent much of this trimester trying to push through being sick without needing medicine to help me. </div><div>In the morning Camden would wake, I would stand up and walk half way to his room, throw up, and then grab him and bring him to my bed. He would play while I threw up again and laid down for a bit longer.</div><div>I was successful in going on a lesser medicine than I was on with Camden. However, on it I still threw up 1-3 times every morning. But without it I threw up literally all day long non stop. </div><div><br></div><div>This portion of my pregnancy was pre-diagnosis of Camden's chiari. I was just grateful for the days I had the ability to play with him. I'm also grateful for the timing. I couldn't have handled my sickness and Camden's sickness stacked like that. It was shortly after I got on medicine that he began to be very sick. The timing worked perfectly and reminds me of the trust I need to have in the timing of everything in our life. </div><div><br></div><div>Trimester 2: </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5-J15e_HUreU5qaTY5cGIJx5s89eH2fYDyh4yVAoTgUC8tz5nv0DAWEyVor48hbUN__vIDtMaImro_W8CErs3Qg4FgKPiMxfs0pNQ9hL9mFragQSgLW7aLrj50s49j4QBxAr1qaPXz8Q/s640/blogger-image-1021622672.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5-J15e_HUreU5qaTY5cGIJx5s89eH2fYDyh4yVAoTgUC8tz5nv0DAWEyVor48hbUN__vIDtMaImro_W8CErs3Qg4FgKPiMxfs0pNQ9hL9mFragQSgLW7aLrj50s49j4QBxAr1qaPXz8Q/s640/blogger-image-1021622672.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>This would be my roller coaster trimester I think. </div><div>I was still sick every morning with medicine and bed ridden without. I tried many times to go off. </div><div>This is also when we received Camden's diagnosis and the first time I had to go in for contractions. I had a brief period of time where I struggled to not feel bitterness about my pregnancy because it came at a time in my life when I felt Camden needed my all. Not my sick had to relax for the sake of the baby self, but his healthy could be up day and night with him normal mom. </div><div>If I stayed up late or woke up in the middle of the night with Camden at this time, I would be sick and throwing up. And he was waking a lot in pain at this time. I'm grateful for Garth helping me where he could and for me mostly being able to endure the nights that Camden needed me without being too ill to help him. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm grateful for her gender ultrasound. Watching her move and wiggle reminded me that there is good at work here. Things to look forward to. That each trial and this life are all but a moment and will end. That ultrasound reminded me of what true peace is. </div><div><br></div><div>Third trimester: </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAW3WOAHFGi7t79DDOPvjxfCpxS6Lude5uYRLF_zk0wOYKLDa96CIdcwkxTjVxcbiOJr8DroExylk6H2NuTE1m-3iqDmjHr78KGdoz9eWcHSJXqH6Gc1ucHNFIF_k-cHl4egMnB_VuGc8/s640/blogger-image--9521213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAW3WOAHFGi7t79DDOPvjxfCpxS6Lude5uYRLF_zk0wOYKLDa96CIdcwkxTjVxcbiOJr8DroExylk6H2NuTE1m-3iqDmjHr78KGdoz9eWcHSJXqH6Gc1ucHNFIF_k-cHl4egMnB_VuGc8/s640/blogger-image--9521213.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqAmI_C3ognSn9WZPbY9EajQ6UGTYBfvSRexGH5AIyQnsVovqWidAcP36sEF5Pt14PbocJQJ5aoKf7Z34WreYNs9o36319thtX6X1gbKceqP_zPwbdK6GSRhIgVsSfq-bdgb1zLcrcqXw/s640/blogger-image--1335767570.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqAmI_C3ognSn9WZPbY9EajQ6UGTYBfvSRexGH5AIyQnsVovqWidAcP36sEF5Pt14PbocJQJ5aoKf7Z34WreYNs9o36319thtX6X1gbKceqP_zPwbdK6GSRhIgVsSfq-bdgb1zLcrcqXw/s640/blogger-image--1335767570.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRjOCAJWGrAbQG4Z5EJ9b4VE178vw3T2nZfwqO3peDLmA7lja8YZ-hIVHrpmptwXkLFERt8zODfMNRkdAnzI9jnsxbXVtY_r4dnrmuW2zkYNeNOVrpsnz0R0XF-B0sjb1MVd1Yej34aY0/s640/blogger-image-329456967.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRjOCAJWGrAbQG4Z5EJ9b4VE178vw3T2nZfwqO3peDLmA7lja8YZ-hIVHrpmptwXkLFERt8zODfMNRkdAnzI9jnsxbXVtY_r4dnrmuW2zkYNeNOVrpsnz0R0XF-B0sjb1MVd1Yej34aY0/s640/blogger-image-329456967.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>By some miracle I was able to go off my medicine the week before Camden's surgery. I was still throwing up every morning up until his surgery and then it stopped. I had been so nervous to be up at night in the hospital throwing up but it went away for surgery and never came back. I was then given a little pregnancy honeymoon. </div><div>I don't remember anything bad involving my pregnancy discomfort wise during the period of surgery and healing for Camden and for that I'm so grateful. I was always having contractions, but they weren't anything too alarming yet. </div><div><br></div><div>33 weeks is when I went into pre-term labor (almost exactly a month post-op) and that's where I remember the discomfort beginning for me. I of course was nervous she would come too soon abs hated bed rest. The medicine they had me on made me super sick, but it was temporary. </div><div>I'm grateful because here we are-- full term and ready to meet our baby girl. Medicine and bed rest free once again. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj77QE9AvkUPZ5U6R56pbIvokMbfBHwYlDrvg2D4qvA8KE2AM7btXqe2EAKCzfVrzOd0IsTxdk0DC8qzD_OzAFe47d5wqhTjrr22FIje-bKMybHZwzw7dLCeJbk1cw_nMW4xRxLfNKX5cI/s640/blogger-image-263236960.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj77QE9AvkUPZ5U6R56pbIvokMbfBHwYlDrvg2D4qvA8KE2AM7btXqe2EAKCzfVrzOd0IsTxdk0DC8qzD_OzAFe47d5wqhTjrr22FIje-bKMybHZwzw7dLCeJbk1cw_nMW4xRxLfNKX5cI/s640/blogger-image-263236960.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div>I have been blessed this pregnancy, it seems mostly by timing. I've been Blessed to carry this little piece of hope inside of me through a dark time of my life. Blessed to watch miracles unfold around me as well as in my belly when it would've been really easy to feel nothing was going right. </div><div>I am blessed to be trusted with another spirit, and I'm so grateful I get to give Camden a sibling. </div><div>Grateful that surgery for endometriosis worked for me and I was able to get pregnant quickly after. Grateful I was so strongly directed and prompted about the timing of my pregnancy. </div><div>At times it has been hard, but truthfully this pregnancy flew on by until I hit pre term labor. That slowed things way way down lol. </div><div><br></div><div>My hope is that even though at this point it hurts to stand up off the couch and it's hard to put on my own shoes, I can remember to trust the timing. I want to remember all the things that have been done for me this pregnancy and all the lessons I've learned from this period of time I've had a daughter in my belly. </div><div><br></div><div>What a journey it has been (: </div><div>So here's to hoping it doesn't take too long to have her, but all the while knowing that no matter how long it takes she's going to come at the exact right moment for our little family. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-48487988927682482872015-11-21T14:43:00.006-08:002015-11-21T14:49:32.247-08:00Someone Who KnowsWhen the picture I shared on facebook came up on my time hop today I was reminded of so many emotions I have felt on this journey of motherhood. Most importantly though it reminded me of the greatest lesson I have ever learned.<br />
<br />
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<br />
I remember this day like it was yesterday. A couple of weeks prior I had felt in my gut something was wrong with Camden. That something wasn't right about his movements. I took him to three doctors. I watched him lose consciousness in my arms and finally someone took us semi seriously. This lapse in consciousness would eventually get labeled as his "myoclonic episodes" by the time he was 8 months old. We weren't there yet. <br />
The picture is of his EEG following up after having bloodwork and CT scans done.<br />
I was told to bring Camden over tired and hungry. He cried on the way to the appointment because I had to keep waking him up in the car (30 minute drive) to ensure he would sleep during the appointment.<br />
<br />
I share this, not because it was traumatic and we need to remind everyone, but because it stands out as a learning point for me as a mom. As I changed him in front of the two people who would be monitoring his EEG it was the first time I remember feeling really, really judged on my ability to be a mom to Camden. Camden was screaming--cold, tired, and hungry. They made comments about how he didn't even want his own mom touching him. They clearly weren't used to doing EEG's on someone so young, expecting my baby to lay there and smile while they drew on his head with a wax pencil. (Most pediatric offices use a marker btw--less painful and scary for a child because you don't have to push so hard).<br />
This wasn't the last time I would be judged for things I felt about Camden.<br />
<br />
When Camden went to children's after having back to back episodes so fast that his head was banging into things and his eyes were rolling, and he was completely unaware, I remember standing there holding my baby and the nurse asked me if I was old enough to be a mom. (She thought I was 18, but still).<br />
<br />
I remember bringing him home from children's and watching his episodes and calling the doctor and crying to the receptionist to please find someone who would do an MRI. It was the last test they hadn't done.<br />
I remember the doctor who called back acted like I was nuts and that there was just no need for an MRI.<br />
<br />
I remember taking Camden in to be evaluated for his delay and being told I was crazy--that he was totally fine. Then he qualified as delayed and received therapy.<br />
<br />
I remember the look the nurse gave me during Camden's swallow study when he was positive nothing would make Camden drink the barium and he wanted him to tube him and I said no. He told me Camden's own bottle wouldn't work. It did.<br />
<br />
I remember telling Camden's GI that his myoclonus was back and he was complaining of head pain and her writing it off as if it just couldn't be related to his vomiting. I left that appointment knowing I wouldn't be going back, and in a few days we were in with a neurologist. <br />
<br />
And I remember finally, finally, that neurologist did an MRI. And sure enough it finally answered every question I had been asking.<br />
<br />
The funny thing is I don't feel bitter or angry about all the judgement and resistance I received. I also don't claim to have known all along that Camden would have a chiari or what would come from everything.<br />
But at that EEG back in Idaho where I was treated like a young over stressed first-time-mom, I was being prepared to make the decisions I had to make regarding Camden's chiari. <br />
It allowed me to be comfortable with a surgeon telling me there is no for sure course for this disease, and that I would have to decide how to manage it.<br />
It allowed me to feel confident enough to push for things regardless of the look I received from the doctor or mom on the other end of the room.<br />
It's allowed me to ignore all the looks the nurses give me as Camden screams before they even touch him--they don't know all he's been through and I would rather them judge me as the mom than him anyways. <br />
<br />
I know I am a young, and probably somewhat crazy, first time mom. The Doctors aren't wrong.<br />
<br />
I still cry on nurses and doctors and get nervous about making decisions. When I went into pre-term labor and the contractions came back that night and the nurse couldn't get them to stop--I cried. I imagined this little nicu baby along with my traumatized toddler who wasn't even a month post-op who can't step foot in a doctors office or anything that looks remotely similar without a meltdown. I couldn't possibly be near them both and give my all to both. I told her she had to get the contractions to stop, that she had to get me home. She looked at me like she wanted to say, "your life sounds terrible" lol.<br />
<br />
Just this past week I found myself again home alone and left to make a call. Camden started screaming in the middle of falling asleep and I ran upstairs to find his incision swelling, a big no-no post op. I couldn't get ahold of anyone, so naturally I took a picture and sent it to my family asking them to confirm they too saw the swelling and I wasn't nuts. Ultimately, I had to make the call. Do I wait, do we go in now, do I call? I was frustrated to be in this position again. Ready to have a break from the dramatic scary life. So I cried for about 30 seconds and then I told myself to move on. <br />
I called, luckily they had me email the picture to them. Based on Camden's behavior and images post-op they didn't feel it was a leak, though it was still a possibility. During the surgey some spinal fluid can spill over into the surgical site. Most bodies process it and reabsorb it but they said from time to time they see kids where it sits and then comes up to the surface and has to break apart in pieces over time. They warned me it would be painful for him beacause of the swelling in the incision, but that if it didn't continue to grow there was nothing to worrry about. So I spent the next few days up with a crying baby at night because he was in pain, and watching, begging the buldge to not grow. Luckily, as of yesterday it appears to be shrinking and he seems to not be as bothered by it. I was reminded by this situtation though that there will still be times where I have to buck up and make the call. To decide things without the ability to know. <br />
Though I would like at least one solid month to go by where I don't have to wonder if my child is deathly ill. [:<br />
<br />
There is one phrase that has carried me through Camden's whole life and has comforted me when I don't know what to do. I hear it in my head all the time. A single sentence that has come up in times of prayer, in times of emotion, and in times of desperation.<br />
<br />
There is someone who knows. <br />
<br />
When I didn't know how to find answers for Camden, when I needed to make decisions for him that I couldn't base off any evidence because he couldn't talk, I've always known there IS someone who knows.<br />
When I couldn't ask him what symptoms he was experiencing and a Doctor couldn't tell me what all would come of his diagnosis, there was always someone who knew. Someone who knew and could help me make the decisions.<br />
<br />
Every single time I have had a moment of panic where the tears come and I feel lost I hear those words.<br />
<br />
I remember Garth and I talking and Garth had his moment of fear. (We've both had many).<br />
He said he couldn't make a deicions because he didn't know what Camden was feeling, didn't know what would come if we didn't do surgery. That we couldn't know what surgery would cause, what complications Camden would experience. That there was no way of knowing anything.<br />
<br />
I remember the words coming to my head almost like they were being yelled, "There is someone who knows all of that."<br />
<br />
I STILL don't know, but he does.<br />
<br />
Camden has grown from this totally helpless, dependent baby, to this awesome independent little boy. He has helped me go from a clueless terrified young mom to a more confident but still sometimes clueless slightly older mom [; .<br />
I have taken care of him, and he has taken care of me. His smiles, his joy for life, and his love for me has carried me through it all. Just yesterday I was feeling especially tired and sore from all the contractions and I began to drift to sleep on the couch. My little two year old said "go night night!", grabbed his dusty crop hopper blanket, put it on me, and stood by me and drove his cars around the couch and occasionally across my baby bump. He gave me almost an hour nap! I love how someone so small can be what I need. Camden is definitely my hero in so many ways. <br />
It's funny how little moments in life prepare us for the bigger trials. I'm grateful for the opportunity to reflect and to see how far we've come.<br />
In my reflecting though I can't help but hope baby girl is a little less of a medical mystery to all of us [: <br />
<br />
<br />Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-58607620193242229292015-10-27T17:08:00.001-07:002015-10-27T17:08:22.337-07:00Mini Rollercoaster Post-op has been good and it has been stressful over and over and over again.<br />
We really hoped Camden wouldn't get sick and did all we could to prevent it but he got a cold last Tuesday.<br />
Overall Camden has done well. Began acting like his normal self way faster than we assumed and just got right back to his crazy active little boy antics!<br />
<br />
Friday we had his post op appointment where they just check his symptoms and incision. He had a bit of a cold but nothing else concerning so we were given the all clear. That night I got sick which I assumed would happen. It's one of those you run on adrenaline and stress for so long once you're told everything is fine your body just crashes. Camden had his first post-op outing-- Dinner with our family and my parents' halloween party.<br />
<br />
The Halloween party was kind of hard on Camden, he was super scared. It made me sad to see him so scared, but he got through with the help of Paris. That night Camden ran toward me and I picked him up and realized he had thrown up all over himself. He was still happy and playing and I didn't really know what to think. Camden had vomited pre surgery due to his head pain and then once post op due to the surgery. But this far from surgery to randomly throw up worried me. Especially since just that morning we were told he is fine unless he begins throwing up and acts increasingly irritable.<br />
<br />
Garth and I did our best to just act normal and wait it out to figure out what it was, but we knew that if he threw up again that night we would be in the ER.<br />
I was so stressed. Wanting to know if he had a post-op infection, if surgery didn't work, etc etc. However, again he had a cold. So I tried to comfort myself by telling myself that it could be all his drainage.<br />
<br />
Over the next few days Camden got cranky and irritable. He wasn't eating, and wasn't sleeping. Still had his happy "normal camden" moments, but this kid has always been happy. Even when he had an ear infection he's totally normal and smiley just doesn't sleep well and throws tantrums easier than if not sick.<br />
He woke up a couple times in the night saying "ow ow ow ow" but he's two and wouldn't tell me what hurt.<br />
We stayed home Sunday and he refused to nap. That evening he had a period of unexplained crying that we couldn't console. I couldn't figure out if something hurt, if he was just THAT over tired, if he had a sore throat like me, etc etc etc.<br />
<br />
Needless to say I started to get a little worried but just didn't know what was what. Eventually it came down to the Neuro specifically told me to call if he threw up, was agitated or cranky, and/or complaining of head pain.<br />
So I decided I would give him one more day Monday and try hard to get him really good sleeping see how he did.<br />
<br />
Well Camden catnapped which is not like him so I knew I needed to just bite the bullet and take him in. I initially took him in to his primary care physician so I could rule out ear infection and strep before I called the surgeon.<br />
I cried on the way to his appointment which is a little silly, but I just felt so exhausted by constantly having to question and navigate all of these different factors with Camden at all times. He never has just ONE thing going on and I was feeling a lot of pressure.<br />
<br />
All his tests came back negative at the doc so I had to make the call to the NS. I explained that I just didn't know what to think and that his incision still looked great but he was just not sleeping and cranky and threw up on Friday.<br />
<br />
I was a little shocked when they called and told me he would need an MRI the next day. The surgeon explained that they were worried about the possibility of a pool of fluid at the incision sight, hydrocephalus, and chemical meningitis. More crying from mom.<br />
None of those things are things to mess with. Chemical meningitis would mean steroids and a possible hospital stay. Hydrocephalus or a collection of fluid would mean re-operating to fix a leak or add a shunt. All of these issues are things that can't be left and can cause major issues, so they wanted to see us ASAP.<br />
<br />
Needless to say Monday night was not a fun night. Garth and I felt so, so overwhelmed. I told my mom I am just so tired. So tired for Camden. Done watching him go through all this stuff and just wishing I could help any of it.<br />
<br />
We all went to bed early Monday night.<br />
This morning I decided I was just going to enjoy this morning. I knew if Camden had hydrocephalus that we could very well be back in surgery by tonight so I told myself we would just have fun today. We played in the backyard in the leaves for a really long time. Every time I looked at Camden I felt like he has to be fine right? But we really had the same feeling going into Camden's first MRI and he definitely wasn't so it's hard to convince yourself after being used to bad news that you could even get good news.<br />
<br />
Camden's MRI was this afternoon. It was the first time he would be awake during an MRI as this one was a rapid image looking at the fluid specifically. They wouldn't allow me to go back with him because I am pregnant, but Garth was able to meet us between classes to be there. Camden had to be strapped completely down and restrained during the MRI. Garth did not enjoy having to watch it but he did his best to comfort him during it.<br />
I sat outside in the waiting area and I could hear him scream.<br />
It was not fun.<br />
<br />
We headed straight up to the clinic for the results. We kept talking about how surreal it was. That Camden seemed pretty okay but could literally be in surgery that night. And then we tried to not talk too much about how unfortunate and life changing a shunt would be.<br />
<br />
FINALLY<br />
The first time we have ever ever ever had good news from an MRI.<br />
We were so so excited.<br />
No leak, no hydrocephalus, no meningitis.<br />
A healthy looking brain!<br />
The even BETTER news was that we got to compare Camden's present day MRI to his old one. His chiari has moved up!! It shows improvement and over the next 6 weeks as the inflammation from surgery goes down it should keep getting even better. We weren't going to get to see Camden's chiari again unless he had issues in the future so the fact we got a little peek and that extra mile of peace of mind was amazing.<br />
The NS explained that he looks great, is doing well, and just has a bad head cold most likely. She said she just believes you can't get too cocky with the brain, that hydrocephalus left untreated is just not worth the risk of waiting questionable symptoms out. She said if anything changes they will see him again but that at this point she thinks he is doing awesome, and has about 6 more weeks of healing to do.<br />
<br />
I have never felt so so so excited and relieved. THE FIRST good MRI ever. Garth and I both now feel exhausted and agree this is the most relaxed we have felt since Camden got his diagnosis. We love it.<br />
We are grateful.<br />
<br />
It was obviously super scary waiting for the results, but maybe God just knew I wouldn't fully relax until he gave me some concrete proof that surgery helped my son. Who knows [;Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-73689065966599561992015-10-18T18:25:00.000-07:002015-10-19T03:07:59.928-07:00The Hospital StayI wanted to give a quick summary of our hospital stay for my memory as well as for those who have asked questions!<br>
<br>
Monday October 12th:<br>
The night before surgery Garth and I got very minimal sleep. Part of this was packing and repacking and making sure we were all ready by me while Garth tried to get ahead on homework, and the other part was just how do you sleep the night before things like this?<br>
Garth and I woke at 4:30 and loaded everything up in the car. We woke Camden at about 5:15 and loaded him up. At first he tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but once in the car he was his normal happy self. He pointed out the moon and the stars and excitedly babbled the whole way to the hospital. This almost made the drive worse, like he had no idea what was coming and we felt guilty. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsiqYyFDAIWf6edcLIcFy6GrmNuoVZtkpGK5RBrm8YT-tumJaD43gPWVjadxfgHpyFTtlZitjkw1Z1gV-JuxUwbXw5t2ltVjZxfErC3ijug2A-IOIIc5862Kk1bmKhbUHKorIOFnZLV2Q/s640/blogger-image-460426479.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsiqYyFDAIWf6edcLIcFy6GrmNuoVZtkpGK5RBrm8YT-tumJaD43gPWVjadxfgHpyFTtlZitjkw1Z1gV-JuxUwbXw5t2ltVjZxfErC3ijug2A-IOIIc5862Kk1bmKhbUHKorIOFnZLV2Q/s640/blogger-image-460426479.jpg"></a></div><br>
We checked in at 6:30 and Camden watched the ball machine they have in the entrance of Children's while we waited for my parents. Once we got to the surgery waiting area my parents got to give Camden their love for about 5 minutes and we were called back.<br>
Garth and I got Camden in his gown and then met with the anesthesiologist, then the surgeon, and then a nurse who gave Camden some medicine to relax him.<br>
We were both able to scrub in and go back with Camden into the operating room and stay with him until he fell asleep. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwX4Q9aiI_FZXGaRToOMXnWlpdtHPmw_KnbYUGG62hHZHOM6wYQCU-3b8euLN1lnmpiBdly4d1aKHKxnjNJw3ljm2ElQ-SIUEOkm6a68PI3NcdCVPtcy_6-dfbCKKLKF3lmHzGKQ21b7g/s640/blogger-image--140122130.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwX4Q9aiI_FZXGaRToOMXnWlpdtHPmw_KnbYUGG62hHZHOM6wYQCU-3b8euLN1lnmpiBdly4d1aKHKxnjNJw3ljm2ElQ-SIUEOkm6a68PI3NcdCVPtcy_6-dfbCKKLKF3lmHzGKQ21b7g/s640/blogger-image--140122130.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0kbgUxznHZbjIChQgFjS6qzoNu3oZ2c-4olnRCkwKe5x-2Were4WKtbCYHUgmzkHueeBPVGucVEi4RhL5yoOpxM0W2j0ilxyLmszl456EUhTEtZa7B23J0f6gzBNA1CP9ur_LX9p8LsA/s640/blogger-image-2032448374.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0kbgUxznHZbjIChQgFjS6qzoNu3oZ2c-4olnRCkwKe5x-2Were4WKtbCYHUgmzkHueeBPVGucVEi4RhL5yoOpxM0W2j0ilxyLmszl456EUhTEtZa7B23J0f6gzBNA1CP9ur_LX9p8LsA/s640/blogger-image-2032448374.jpg"></a></div><br>
When we walked into the OR he waved to the Doctors and said hi and thank you. We set him on the table and he picked up the little donut pillow and stuck his face through the hole to be silly. It just about broke my heart.<br>
Then we laid him down and he cried pretty good once the mask went on, and then we left our little boy. It was so hard. I made myself hold it together until we walked away (Garth and I agreed no showing fear in front of Camden). And then the 4 hour wait began.<br>
Children's updated us every hour by phone. They called about an hour in and let us know the incision had been made and the operation was underway. Knowing they had officially cut my baby's head was really hard.<br>
Having my parents in the waiting room helped us just talk and relax though.<br>
<br>
Time passed and the surgeon finally came out and told us it went really smoothly and as planned. We were excited. He said "just expect him to be really pissed off now" and went about his day.<br>
<br>
We headed up to the PICU waiting area and I found myself so excited yet so so nervous to see Camden. I knew what came next would be the hardest part.<br>
<br>
Finally we were taken back into the PICU and as we rounded the corner to Camden's room I could hear his cries. Instinctively I picked up my pace and turned to his room to see him screaming and being pinned down by two nurses. It was so awful. I found myself angry they waited so long to get us that he woke up without us there, but I was later told the dose of morphine he had should've kept him asleep longer and he came out of it very very suddenly.<br>
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Garth and I rushed to his side and rubbed his face and told him we were here and it would all be okay. He stopped his screaming (this screaming was SO different than normal cries from Camden. It was a pain scream, and one I've never heard from him) and he calmed down but still had tears just flowing down his face. It was SO awful.<br>
They gave him more morphine and he drifted into a bit of a raspy sleep. He was still on oxygen at this point as his breathing was still a little labored and he just looked so so pitiful. As time went on Camden would wake crying and in pain but unable to get a lot of help. Finally his first coherent request came and it was "Apple Juice". We gave him a juice box but he just ended up throwing it right back up. (It is very common that this type of surgery makes you very nauseated and we were told to expect a lot of vomit). Vomiting really hurt his head because of the natural way your head jerks when you throw up.<br>
Basically they tried to get Camden to have wake periods and sleep periods via morphine. They couldn't keep him completely sedated as they needed to come in and check vitals and pupils every so often being that this was a neurological surgery. As time went on Camden got worse and worse. Less and less comfortable, begging to be "all done" and lots of crying. He wasn't really having successful sleep periods. The nurse told me she didn't understand why he was still even able to fight it after his three doses of morphine. We decided to switch him to oxy as soon as we could.<br>
As soon as we got him onto Oxy he did a little better coming in and out of sleep. The half dose of morphine hadn't been enough to touch his pain, but the higher dose made him loopy and frustrated, but never sleepy.<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhshoOviyzBbCmoUC44n_IntvBYiQ8UygF79oZF2U8cLiKYFnSBwG_xJhE5_i61RpYYHY0YNgaoD1XS4QM0d5swj15XwvCWW17C1xm-AVDdCZBs6hcSXadyjyYK1ttQ61yfpZRBDZKegGk/s640/blogger-image--1447421209.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhshoOviyzBbCmoUC44n_IntvBYiQ8UygF79oZF2U8cLiKYFnSBwG_xJhE5_i61RpYYHY0YNgaoD1XS4QM0d5swj15XwvCWW17C1xm-AVDdCZBs6hcSXadyjyYK1ttQ61yfpZRBDZKegGk/s640/blogger-image--1447421209.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcK_MXBPHJkx6sbzZlgo75yIKhHisSkHpqYMDZVheLnr0lWVGgMSqX2I6DoZVCSNjlFP44EgkJxxzdx1Tyl0szkv-Qar78wjfNA8fVP4itPhrP7HwRz2kr483K_VmSF9ACPTe9LFvBYs4/s640/blogger-image--1977199973.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcK_MXBPHJkx6sbzZlgo75yIKhHisSkHpqYMDZVheLnr0lWVGgMSqX2I6DoZVCSNjlFP44EgkJxxzdx1Tyl0szkv-Qar78wjfNA8fVP4itPhrP7HwRz2kr483K_VmSF9ACPTe9LFvBYs4/s640/blogger-image--1977199973.jpg"></a></div><br>
Monday was so so very hard. I can't even really put it into words. There wasn't much we could do for him. He couldn't move himself and he couldn't turn his head. He wouldn't eat, he just went back and forth from the bed to the rocking chair and we did our best to distract him with movies.<br>
<br>
Our day nurse was great and understanding about how scared he was of her. Our night nurse was awful and very very rough with Camden. She marked the turn where Camden began refusing his meds so he would have to be pinned down and forced to take them.<br>
<br>
Over all a very terrible day, but he got some good sleep and was able to sleep with Garth in the rocking chair.<br>
One of the hardest parts of this day was that I couldn't rock Camden even when he begged for me. I tried, but my pregnant belly made it so his head sat kinked and it hurt him. There were two times I had to walk away from him so that he would settle for Garth and stop begging to be rocked by me and those are the two times I believe I cried the most at the hospital. I mostly held it together in front of Camden, but having to walk away from a baby who is crying for you is not an easy thing. My only comfort was that he wouldn't remember, I counted on the morphine for that lol.<br>
<br>
For a long time now I have been given "rules" about my contractions pregnancy wise. I've been having contractions forever, off and on. I've only had to go in for them once, but I was given a new specific rule about how many I can have in an hour and for how long. I find myself having to sit more often than I would like in order to not go over my count. If i go over I'm supposed to call the hospital and follow pre-term labor instructions. Monday is the only day since being given the rule that I broke it. I intentionally told no one, but I tried my best to pay attention to if they were progressing or not. Eventually I had to sneak away while Camden napped and go drink and sit in the cafeteria with my mom to get them to stop, and by this point they were pretty painful. But they stopped! So yay for that.<br>
<br>
Tuesday:<br>
Tuesday morning was worlds different than Monday. Camden was still not quite Camden, but he was talking. He laid in bed and ate a muffin and drank some juice which made me so happy. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHqvpluNn4wMkLpYbd__W4qx8xajPyw3tJ-7W9c6-637VQcplnpLLOXKExC8E8M7AKayT9ImS-Knw1h5WZ_fTSlJ7V0Yj7JA7H0D7qxkRYnUvitiuWkZtuVsxoxnRowIpjZXug8iLM8uI/s640/blogger-image--1452837251.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHqvpluNn4wMkLpYbd__W4qx8xajPyw3tJ-7W9c6-637VQcplnpLLOXKExC8E8M7AKayT9ImS-Knw1h5WZ_fTSlJ7V0Yj7JA7H0D7qxkRYnUvitiuWkZtuVsxoxnRowIpjZXug8iLM8uI/s640/blogger-image--1452837251.jpg"></a></div> He interacted a little that day, and slept as much as you can when in the PICU hooked up to SO many things and checked so often. He still did not try to move. We had him sit up for about 5 minutes to do a puzzle and to try to help him get using those muscles so they wouldn't stiffen too too much, but he couldn't manage it very long. Tuesday was full of ups and downs. Moments that were much like monday, and then moments where he was happy and joking with us. I really had to get on the nurses to make sure they got him his meds on time and often they were late. You could always tell when we were behind on the meds and then it took a while to get back on top of them. Turns out Oxy makes Camden itchy all over, so with each Oxy dose came benadryl and if they missed it or gave it too far apart he was miserable.<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTVdg18DXYSxud99qc0s23eTYIRklCAnaXCRZoXiJwjDMWP7Atft_vRmHEYNU15JKNeLbptZ-mqCJvyvgYRXfa8wWCM2_xshhjn7_f9cc_2493sZD-mg6Sfsjb1pxiNYtX8mnRK13ZOEE/s640/blogger-image--1888263396.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTVdg18DXYSxud99qc0s23eTYIRklCAnaXCRZoXiJwjDMWP7Atft_vRmHEYNU15JKNeLbptZ-mqCJvyvgYRXfa8wWCM2_xshhjn7_f9cc_2493sZD-mg6Sfsjb1pxiNYtX8mnRK13ZOEE/s640/blogger-image--1888263396.jpg"></a></div><br>
Thankfully we were transferred out of intensive care that afternoon and Camden was able to go from 4 needles and 4 wires to one wire and two needles left in.<br>
Tuesday night Paris visited and so did my parents and Anna. Camden liked having Paris there and eventually found himself wanting to play. He was giggling at Grandpa throwing a ball against the ceiling, and He RANDOMLY hopped down to get off the bed it was so shocking. He was super unstable but he wanted to play. He began by rolling a car back and forth with my dad and I was so shocked. He then decided to stand up and throw the ball like Grandpa! And then he JUMPED in excitement. It was so crazy! He was running and jumping not very long after surgery! This activity lasted not long though and he quickly fell asleep. He slept really well this night and I got to sleep in the bed with him since he had less monitors so I actually got some sleep too!<br>
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Wednesday:<br>
Wednesday Camden was on the move, but not very coordinated. He was tired of bed and tired of watching the only two movies the hospital had there for him. He wanted out and we were having a hard time trying to keep up with his wobbly self.<br>
Watching Camden first walk that day honestly really scared me. His legs were falling out from under him, he couldn't get them to keep up, he looked terrible. It is scary when you know they've touched your baby's brain and hard to not worry about all the possible problems they could cause! But the surgery was right near his balance center, and it changes the amount of CSF that naturally flows through his brain so his equilibrium was reset and I was assured it was normal. He was still really stiff and nervous about moving his head, but he wanted to go see the ball machine. So we went to watch it in the wagon and we tried to let him switch sides so he had to turn his head different directions each time. I teared up a little watching him move around because he just didn't seem like my Camden. But I got him some ice cream and watching him pound it reminded me he will be okay. He was still really stubborn about eating but getting better. We transitioned him off of Oxy and his last IV med Wednesday, and we couldn't get him to poop so sadly Wednesday night we had to give him a suppository. After the suppository Camden was so much more comfortable and happy he ended up staying up till 2:30 am just babbling. We got no sleep Wednesday. The nurses woke him at 4:30 and then Garth and I were woken by several different teams of people at 5:30, 6:00, 6:30 and then up for the day at 7. We were very done with the hospital at this point!<br>
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Thursday:<br>
Like I said we had no sleep, and because Camden was likely going home there were a lot of people needing to see him and talk to us. Camden's surgeon came and saw him everyday multiple times and checked his incision himself so we were really grateful for that. Camden was still wobbly and uncoordinated at this point but always getting better. We went to the playroom and played for a long time and by the time we got back we were being discharged. We were so happy to go home! Camden requested one more wagon ride (he really liked them) and then we headed out.<br>
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<br>
Being home has been great for Camden as far as the fact he is way more comfortable and gets much better sleep. However, in a lot of ways it is exhausting. Harder to contain him and make sure his crazy self doesn't fall or do something reckless. He has gotten pretty stubborn about his medicine so that requires a lot of creativity on our part.<br>
I have had my moment of emotion since being home where it hit me that my baby's brain was touched. That we put him through something immense, and that I still wouldn't even know if it worked for a few months. I am terrified of having to do it again, but so so many people have repeat surgeries for Chiari -- for various reasons. I would love to walk away from this and be done, but remembering there's no cure makes me sad. I don't want to repeat Monday ever. And then I remember my daughter could have this too and the thought of doing it with her is also really hard.<br>
So it has been a little up and down since being home, but we are doing our best to take it a day at a time and just be grateful for how well Camden is doing. He really is such a champion! It's just really hard to not worry so much about every little weird thing !<br>
Post operative infection they say shows up around 7-10 days post op so we want to get through that window. Risk of infection is pretty high with this surgery. We need to wash and check his incision everyday and watch for any signs of a CSF leak. His incision is a little gnarly but overall looks pretty great. He is a little warrior! Doing so so well and doing his best to just be his normal self.<br>
Right now one of his biggest nuisances is that he can't look up high enough to see planes fly over in the sky (still really stiff) he has to sit down to try to look up and see them, but we are getting there!<br>
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We are so grateful for all those who care about and love him. He's the greatest little thing!Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-64524141552499050712015-09-10T17:10:00.000-07:002015-09-10T17:10:43.157-07:00Our Many Miracles <br />
There are a few parts of this new Chiari journey, otherwise known as just our everyday life now, that I will simply never forget.<br />
<br />
I will never forget watching Camden be put under for the first time.<br />
<br />
I will never forget the neurologist showing us the imaging and him talking like it was completely routine and saying everything looks good and normal "but". I will never ever forget that "but". Or his hands pointing at the "malformation" within my son's brain that was up on his screen.<br />
Instinctively I reached for Garth's hand, but I'll never ever forget the way that moment felt, not even if I tried.<br />
<br />
I will never forget his surgery days I'm positive--though those have not yet happened.<br />
<br />
However, I've realized there are other things I simply don't WANT to forget. So I decided I want to write out our little miracles.<br />
<br />
<br />
First and foremost, somehow my one year old (at the time) learned how to tell me when something hurt. Not only could he express he was in pain but he could show me exactly where the pain was. I don't have any idea how my child who can't understand the urge to go to the potty can understand how to tell me mom it hurts. I literally cannot find any connection as to how he learned what "Pain" is, but to me it is a miracle. A miracle that he would come and just tell me simply "it hurts" and point to his neck. At first I thought not much of it, because he was one. But it just bugged me and he kept telling me, and now I am so grateful for this miracle.<br />
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Second, our location. Most of you know when we moved to Colorado it was kind of a blind hopeful move. We had to move and be out of our student housing, but Garth didn't know what Grad schools he was accepted to yet. So we took a gamble and moved to the school we were hoping to be in. Garth decided to apply to the program here randomly one day early on in our marriage. I hadn't expected to ever come back. But there have been several experiences that have shown us we are meant to be here. One of which is the fact that we are equal distance from two really great children's hospitals. One of which has one of the best neurological departments in the U.S.<br />
We have been able to meet with two pediatric neurosurgeons that both have immense experience with Chiari without having to go far at all. The fact we even have CHOICES of surgeons here is so unique.<br />
I have met SO many who have to drive a couple hours, or even FLY to a whole other state for their opinions and surgeries. Having a specialist in chiari is so vital, and here we are sitting 30 minutes from two!<br />
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They found Camden's chiari fast, and before he was even two year's old. I cannot tell you how many people I have met on this journey who it took 3-5 years to finally find their chiari. And even then the child is much older and much further progressed than Camden's issues are at that point. Most parents don't even know to start looking until their child is 5 years old and can better express their pain or challenges.<br />
We have been so prompted and guided in which doctors and routes to take for Camden we found his actually really easily. Chiari's symptoms look like so many other things many people pursue the wrong routes for years. We found Camden's young, and the younger he gets help I KNOW the better off he will be. To me and my family this is a miracle. Camden was able to express just the right symptom for his age, and I already knew neurologists here I could take him to. It clicked into place almost too easily. Miracle.<br />
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Miracle number 3 is my pregnancy. It has provided just the right amount of hope and positivity and things to look forward to, without taking me away from the things Camden needs me for. I know it's helped get me through this and remind me that this is just a moment. I also know if I hadn't gotten pregnant before this happened I would've been terrified to even try, and too stressed to add to our current situation: and I KNOW that a spirit was read to be here. So I'm grateful for the timing.<br />
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Miracle number 4: Eternal life. I know that someday, no matter what happens within this life, Camden will be healed. I also know that he will always be mine, and a part of my family. This knowledge gets me through the hardest of days.<br />
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There have been two other highly spiritual experiences and miracles, but they are too tender to share on a blog. So to end this post miracle number 5 is Camden. Somedays I feel like this whole ordeal knocks me off my feet over and over, like I have to reprocess every single day. But then I look at Camden. The one who is actually dealing with the chronic pain and he is SO happy. I've come to realize most children just look up at you when you walk in the room, if that. Most children are content just playing and going about their day. Camden, when someone enters the room looks up and beams. He begins to explain to you all that he is doing, while giggling and smiling. Across the dinner table he gives me random smiles throughout the whole meal. He wakes up each morning with a massive smile on his face. The kid is just giddy about life, and that is what picks me up on the days I feel like I get knocked down. I've learned my real-life hero is just over 2 feet tall, wears a diaper, and sleeps in a bed with guardrails. He keeps me going and reminds me to enjoy this journey, wherever it may lead us.<br />
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<br />Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-32943073230726506592015-09-05T21:04:00.000-07:002015-09-05T21:04:02.620-07:00Chiari UpdateSO much has happened, where to even begin?<br />
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After our last appointment with our first Neurosurgeon we were told that we would monitor Camden, keep track of his symptoms, and meet again in 3 months.<br />
We were shooting for making it to the age of 3 years old before Camden would have his surgery.<br />
Initially this felt like a good and reasonable plan.<br />
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As we began to keep track of symptoms I began to feel worse about the idea of waiting a year for surgery. After keeping track for a couple weeks we established that the longest Camden was going between days of bad symptoms was 3 days. We also began to see new symptoms popping up.<br />
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Chiari is a progressive problem, and there are a lot of things that it can cause that are permanent. Without getting into too many of the complicated details I will give two examples. The longer there is pressure on the tissue of the brain the more damage can occur. Brain damage is not reversible, once it's there--it's there. Surgery won't take it away. Some with chiaris see regression in developmental areas. Chiaris also block the flow of CSF and it can cause a syrinx or a cyst in the spine. Once you have a syrinx, you have a syrinx. Surgery does not guarantee it will go away, and a syrinx carries the risk of permanent spinal damage and paralyzation.<br />
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It's hard to navigate because brain surgery is brain surgery and carries significant risk. Not all people with a chiari malformation end up developing symptoms, and some never progress. So it is impossible to know what route Camden's would take. However, I began to feel like there was/is more occurring than Garth and I can see from our perspective. I feel that things are progressing for Camden, and that a year would just not be an appropriate waiting period for Camden's situation.<br />
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I began reaching out to those I know who have children with Chiaris and talking about ages of surgeries, recovery, etc. I started to feel in my mind like it was going to come for Camden probably in October.<br />
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So we met with our second option of a Neurosurgeon for the second opinion on Thursday. We hadn't really expected to like him, as we did really like our first surgeon. Both come highly recommended and both have performed surgery for chiari's hundreds of times. Both are also pediatric neurosurgeons, which is what we wanted.<br />
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We actually really, really liked him. We were warned that some feel he is a little blunt or even a little arrogant, but he just had a dry sense of humor that really reminded me of my dad lol.<br />
He explained to us that the images of chiari's alone do not define the need for surgery or not.<br />
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Some people have TERRIBLE herniations and no symptoms, others have symptoms and mild herniations. Statistically speaking, usually those who have symptoms have a restricted or blocked flow of CSF which warrants a need for surgery.<br />
He explained that it is all about the story you tell. So he asked Camden's story.<br />
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Camden's story and issues basically begin at three months of age and he listened and wrote down all we said. He agreed that surgery for Camden is reasonable and would likely help.<br />
He did not feel that there was a need to wait until he's three.<br />
When you are three the veins in your dura (brain sack) become more organized and it's easier to avoid a brain bleed when cutting the dura. However, if you do cut a vein it is fixable--simply becomes a longer surgery. So the surgeon explained its not a reason to put off relief for Camden, and it's also not a common thing to happen.<br />
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However, this surgeon would like to do a different surgery than the first. Though he's willing to do either one-- it is our choice.<br />
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The standard "full blown" surgery for chiari goes like this:<br />
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Removal of piece of skull.<br />
removal of portion of spine.<br />
cut into and opening of the dura<br />
add a patch to the dura (usually a skin graft from tissue higher up on the skull)<br />
and sometimes cauterizing or removing the tonsils of the brain.<br />
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This was the surgery the first surgeon recommended. It has the highest success rate for removing the symptoms and lowest risk of repeat surgery-- however, it has the highest risk and the highest rate of complications post-op.<br />
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The lesser surgery is the one the surgeon suggested he would prefer to do. He also clarified he will never cauterize or remove any part of the brain, which I really liked.<br />
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This "lesser" (if you can call brain surgery lesser) surgery involves:<br />
removal of piece of skull<br />
removal of a portion of the spine<br />
and then instead of fully opening the dura he adds slits to the outer most layer of the dura so the dura itself can expand.<br />
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He has performed this surgery many times, and only once has he had a repeat surgery after, but for a different reason.<br />
The issue is it is less "thorough" we may not see a full reduction of Camden's symptoms. However, usually the risk that comes with opening the dura is warranted when there is obvious neurological damage occurring. Camden doesn't show any developmental delays or issues with balance or anything like that so he feels he would do best with a minimal risk surgery to alleviate his debilitating pain.<br />
The issue here is Camden is two, we are fully aware we cannot even know the full scope of his symptoms, because he lacks the ability to communicate all he is feeling.<br />
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However, one of the possible side effects of opening the dura is chronic head-aches and vomiting-- a symptom we are trying to take away.<br />
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So that gave us a lot to think about. The Dr. has agreed to do whatever surgery we feel most comfortable with. He assured us that he would not recommend the surgery if he didn't think it would help Camden because, again, it is a major major surgery.<br />
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Luckily for us our pediatrician is awesome. His son is a neurosurgeon in new york and works with a chiari specialist. He has offered to send all of the opinions and images to the specialist for us so he can help us decide which surgery he recommends for Camden personally, as well as from the perspective of someone who knows a lot about chiari.<br />
We are so so grateful for that.<br />
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So as of now, surgery is on the books officially. October 12th is the date, just need to pick the type of surgery in the meantime.<br />
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We are terrified, and hopeful, and grateful all at the same time.<br />
Right now life feels a little hectic and it seems to always feel wonderful and terrible all at once all the time. We hope we can continue to feel guided and comforted as we struggle to make the right choices for our little man, and we are grateful for all the support and prayers that have been going out to us and to him!!Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-8046568540085817862015-08-11T22:13:00.003-07:002015-08-11T22:13:53.474-07:00To be real <br />
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I've decided to write more in-depth about the process our family has been going through lately. It's possibly because I'm just dying for someone to let me spill my guts to them, or possibly because I'm tired of people telling me that I'm strong, or possibly just to organize all my constant thoughts. Either way here goes:<br />
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Camden was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation type 1 not too long ago. The first two weeks were spent just processing. Trying to figure out how I felt, what was going on, and trying to process all my emotions. There was a lot of crying and a lot of keeping to myself. Mostly I think there was just a lot of surprise. I hadn't been worried about Camden's MRI. Camden had so much going on the MRI was kind of a random test in the midst of several other random tests. When the doctor began to explain the abnormality within Camden's brain I was still shocked.<br />
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Anyways, I feel like for the most part I am past all the very surface level emotions now. I have been able to find my stable ground which includes the elements of gratitude needed to navigate everyday life. I've come to terms with the fact that there are much worse things happening to people everyday and I'm not being picked on. I have established that I will take this a day at a time and I will eventually be guided. I have accepted that there is a definite plan, and I'm working on being okay with the fact that I'm just not currently in the know for what that particular plan is.<br />
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My knowledge of Chiari has grown immensely since the last time I wrote. Once I processed and stored the emotions I could delve into the facts and figures. That part has been really hard and yet really good. Researching feels simultaneously like self torture as well as taking control again. I've been added to two Chiari groups on facebook, one specifically for pediatric chiari. Initially it completely depressed me to be added and begin reading people's stories. It hit me hard that this a very real issue, and very much a life-long thing. Even with surgery there are life-long repercussions, and monitoring. Without surgery there is possible life long issues and definite life long monitoring. It still isn't easy to read adults describe the symptoms and feelings my 1 year old can't yet put into words. I didn't expect to see that there are Chiari walks and races for awareness, chiari groups all over, chiari centers, etc etc. For about two days I struggled with the idea that this wasn't something I would be able to fix and walk away from. But then I began my research.<br />
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I have spent countless days reading medical journals, published research and studies, and different personal accounts and stories. I have read entire blogs and studied more medical statistics than is probably normal for a stay at home mom. I go out and I do normal things, but it is always there in my head--literally always. I know I'm a bit quieter, and truthfully I am not depressed-- I am quite hopeful, but I have so much to constantly think about it just never goes away.<br />
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Let me give you a slight sample of the medical rabbit hole I have ventured into:<br />
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I have learned that there is a huge division amongst neuro-surgeons on chiari and recommended treatment. A recent survey of 250 neuro surgeons found a huge division in their choices they would make for 3 different mock scenarios.<br />
They disagree on what warrants the need for surgery.<br />
More and more research points to the fact that the size of the herniation (how far the tonsils of the brain come down into the spinal cord) does NOT adequately determine the need for surgery. Symptoms must be taken into consideration. More studies have been done and cine MRI's have become a regular tool in Chiari patient's care. These are special MRI's that are a series of images meant to actually measure the flow of the CSF. (Cerebral spinal fluid). Most patients who have blocked or limited flow are symptomatic. Lack of flow is a serious issue with serious repercussions, many of them doing permanent damage. Camden is symptomatic. We do not yet know if his flow is ever blocked or restricted beyond the one image we have.<br />
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At Camden's age he has to be put under for every MRI he has. He is about to have his second one. Garth and I have been pushing for the NS to do both the spinal MRI and Cine MRI at the same time. She doesn't feel there's enough reason to do a cine MRI yet, but we don't want him to be put under for a third time when they could get all the info in one sweep.<br />
Plus we have a second opinion scheduled and from what we've learned most NS want the cine mri with everything else to get the full picture. It is nice to be able to feel educated enough to be an advocate for my son, but frustrating to experience resistance and hard to know when to keep pushing.<br />
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Camden's spinal MRI will look for a tethered cord and/or a syrinx (a cyst in the spinal cord). Either one would likely mean surgery. The risks of a syrinx are high, the possibility of becoming paralyzed is just one of them. A syrinx can be developed at any time with out without symptoms in Chiari patients. It is the constant risk of not doing surgery. The longer there is pressure on cerebral tissue the more permanent damage can be done to it. The more permanent symptoms that are irreversible can pop up.<br />
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It is hard to not lean into surgery so badly because the fear of the unknown/uncontrolled.<br />
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Surgery is not without risk. There are SO many types of surgeries.<br />
Removal of part of the skull and spine are the general standard procedure, opening the dura (sack around brain) is the tricky part.<br />
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Opening the dura involves the largest increased risk, however, it involves the highest rate of success and lowest rate or repeat surgery.<br />
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Removing the bone causes a ton of pain, a large incision, and the possibility of the brain slumping in the skull because too much was removed. Some doctors advocate only opening the dura and cauterizing the lower end of the tonsils. This sounds terrible, but has evidence to back it.<br />
Chiari patients have abnormal tonsil tissue (again this is part of the brain) and they don't know if its abnormal due to having been damaged by the chiari or if it is abnormal because they are chiari. Some doctors argue the tonsils don't even function in chiari patients. (The actual purpose of the tonsils is still relatively unkown).<br />
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Duraplasty (The surgery where they open the brain sack) involves a patch being added to the dura. This has risk of a leak. Which is obviously a serious risk. Doctors disagree about the type of patch that should be used. Skin graft from patient, cadaver, cow heart (this is rare now) etc.<br />
Anytime the dura is opened the system resets. Patients take a long time to recover, all senses are heightened, and exhaustion lasts for a long time post-op. It is a MAJOR surgery. <br />
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Surgery is terrifying and going to be immensely painful for Camden. I don't know how to choose that option.<br />
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The option of waiting is hard as well. Chronic pain for Camden's life, symptoms Camden can't even tell me he's experiencing--and may never know to tell me because he has had them since birth and knows no different. Vomiting due to head pain. Dizziness. Numbness. Possible neurological damage. Possible spinal damage. Of course it is also possible to have no progression and just minimal head aches forever. *this option is hard for me to believe being as Camden has been symptomatic his whole life. (swallowing issues, reflux, benign myoclonic movements, head pain, random vomiting, struggle eating solid foods initially, temporary developmental delay -- these are all things Camden has experienced that fall under the scope of Chiari symptoms). <br />
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Some doctors advocate surgery as a last resort. Others do not believe Chiari is a life-long disease. They believe it is simply an anatomical abnormality that can be corrected. I tend to agree that it makes logical sense that the sooner it is corrected the better off people may possibly be. The longer there is pressure left on the brain the more damage there is to the tissue. However, surgery is not a cure and has about an 80% success rate, which is a relative statistic because success means different things to different patients. <br />
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I've come to realize I will have to make not only the choice about surgery, but also what kind of surgery, what doctor do I trust to perform it? Needless to say I feel so much pressure. To know things I simply cannot know. To understand things doctors themselves don't even yet understand.<br />
Which should explain to all of you why I am so quiet all the time. So so so much thinking is going on in my brain right now.<br />
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I don't even know how to spill this to people and explain the feelings I am feeling all at once 24/7. I don't cry often anymore, because It just simply isn't productive.<br />
I'm determined to be educated enough to feel confident when I feel guided.<br />
I recently had a very special person look me in the eye and tell me she knew I would make the right decision, and that has meant the world to me. More tests and more time will hopefully select for us the seemingly most beneficial path, but I pray when the time comes I feel at least 90% positive of my choice.<br />
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Again, I KNOW there is a plan for Camden. There are just some plans I don't know how well I will be able to handle.<br />
We shall see.<br />
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Hopefully this explains a little more of what's going on in our busy, hectic brains over here. Be patient with us!<br />
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Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-36684828532794696752015-08-05T23:43:00.001-07:002015-08-05T23:43:38.304-07:00Reminders of goodness<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVt5gI25ssz9m6HyCFApjKzdxzRn3mxaX5cuBr-8CmR_MIOxZ-R8LQSHlQEAgRWdG6yEvcKmFyOgIthsKoqLPbFQGyfsKeJEbPneG68IVo8llNZ-aV15YcAKmb-BlIdaQD7QF9x_80SJw/s640/blogger-image--637734428.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVt5gI25ssz9m6HyCFApjKzdxzRn3mxaX5cuBr-8CmR_MIOxZ-R8LQSHlQEAgRWdG6yEvcKmFyOgIthsKoqLPbFQGyfsKeJEbPneG68IVo8llNZ-aV15YcAKmb-BlIdaQD7QF9x_80SJw/s640/blogger-image--637734428.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"> Every night before I go to sleep I check on my little man. Some nights I'm so tired I check him, tuck him back in, and leave to bed. Other nights I stay a while. Sometimes I sit in the rocking chair in the room, sometimes I lay by him. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Admittedly, lately, some nights I cry when I check him. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the desire to help him more than I can, to understand more than I do about everything that has been going on for him. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Despite those emotions, every single night without fail I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude as I watch him sleep. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Camden's sweet little spirit will get to be a part of my life for eternity. He is the goofiest most inquisitive little boy, with a big big heart. He giggles at most everything and makes up new words everyday. He loves to be chased and loves to learn new things. He loves all things water, and loves the snow so much sometimes it's the first thing he asks for in the morning. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I love the way he trusts me. The way that he relies on me and the ways he pushes me to be better every single day without even knowing it. Sometimes I'm not sure how I got so lucky to get to call him my son! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">He's definitely my little trooper. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">At this point Camden has days where he complains of head pain and he randomly throws up. I can't imagine the type of head ache you have to have to throw up multiple times, but he keeps chugging on like nothing is wrong. Occasionally he stops playing to come to me and tell me his head hurts and sits with me for about .5 seconds then runs off to continue whatever he was doing. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">The surgeon hasn't yet decided the plan for Camden, we need another MRI, this time of his full spine, and then hopefully decisions can be made. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">It is easy to feel a little angry for Camden's sake about all he has/is going through at such a young age, but I was recently reminded that there is always good occurring too. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Tuesday we had our ultrasound and we were blessed with a very thorough tech. It was the longest ultrasound I've ever had. She didn't know our situation really, but I needed to be able to have that time of just watching our growing baby move around. I needed to be told she's healthy, and there's no sign of a chiari malformation at this point, but more than that I just needed to be able to see her and remember her. Life has been kind of crazy and focused on this one thing lately it was a moment to slow down and stop. It was one of the first times I have felt true peace lately and it served as a pleasant reminder that so much good continues to happen so long as you're willing to remember it during the bad times. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Camden continues to smile, he continues to jump around and get into mischief, and he continues to jabber to my belly at random points in the day. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I continue to tuck him in every night, be way too sentimental, and to always marvel at how adorable that kid is when he sleeps. (: </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">We are blessed, and we are grateful. </div><br></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-3396425314438914712015-07-25T08:24:00.000-07:002015-07-25T08:24:20.305-07:00When you are too smart for your own head. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There are a few things I know for certain.<br />
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1. I am so blessed to be a mother and a wife.<br />
2. Heavenly Father always has a plan for me, and for my family. Even if it's not my plan.<br />
3. The love one has for their own child is near impossible to comprehend until felt yourself.<br />
4. Enduring well is the greatest struggle of life.<br />
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That's about all I know for certain at this point..<br />
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It has been another couple months of adventures in the Wright household. It started with the flu from Camden. He woke in the middle of the night throwing up, and continued to throw up every so often until morning. This was my first experience as mom with child who has the flu. Someday I think I'll appreciate when the child can actually aim and knows to try to get to the toilet. Making it into the bowl was a hard concept for Camden.<br />
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Exactly a week later Camden woke up in the middle of the night and threw up just once. A couple of weeks later Camden woke up again and threw up ten times over the course of the night. This pattern continued so I called his pediatrician and they asked me to come in. We couldn't see Camden's regular doctor because he wasn't in. I explained that he was vomiting only at night and I couldn't find any food patterns or triggers between episodes of vomiting. The pediatricians that were at the office that day all met together to discuss what route we should take. They called his pediatric GI and sent us to their office. The GI ordered several tests. Stool samples, blood work, allergy tests, ultrasound etc. Camden was negative for any allergies, negative for any bacterial infections, and showed no abnormalities anatomically speaking. Around this same time Camden was complaining about a particular location on his head hurting. Then one night he woke up in the middle of the night just screaming and completely inconsolable. I assumed he was having stomach pains, but nothing at all would calm him down. Which is highly unlike Camden. It took 4 hours and finally a long car ride to get him back to sleep. The next day he was happy as a clam, same as every other time he woke to throw up--always fine during the day.<br />
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So I called the on call doctor at his GI and explained that something had changed and he was in severe pain. They scheduled another appt and we discussed theories with the GI. Between that phone call and the appt Camden had a few of his myoclonic episodes, which we have not seen in a long long time. I attended the appt and I told her about the head pain and episodes and she didn't comment much on it. She told me that she thought he had had a bacterial infection that had either run it's course by the time we tested or not shed when I collected the samples. She ordered more samples and explained that many bacterial infections leave a temporary lactose intolerance so she put him on a dairy free diet.<br />
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I left less than satisfied and called his regular pediatrician. I explained the head pain and all the extra symptoms and he made an emergency appt for a pediatric neurologist. (So grateful for a doctor who is willing to call me personally, and then personally called the neurologist to tell him to squeeze me in within a week!).<br />
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We met Dr. Ross, the only neurologist I have ever semi liked. He flat disagreed with the GI. He said there was no way his vomiting was digestive as it ONLY occurs at night. He said that head pain and vomiting is a good sign of too much pressure on the brain. When you lay down pressure increases and can cause you to vomit. He explained he wanted to do a spinal tap and an MRI. I was not too keen on the idea of a spinal tap as Camden hadn't thrown up again in a while. he still was complaining about his head pain (he complains multiple times a day every day) so I was on board for an MRI.<br />
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The Doctor pushed because toddlers have to be put under to perform an MRI and put under for spinal taps. If we did them at the same time he wouldn't have to be put under twice, but again I couldn't justify a spinal tap for just convenience. He told me there was another lesser test we could do to check for pressure--an eye exam.<br />
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I agreed to have one the Monday before the MRI (this past monday) and if it showed pressure then we would do the spinal tap at the same time as the MRI.<br />
I was really nervous for the MRI because I knew it would be hard to see Camden get put under, and really hard to walk away from him and not be there for the testing.<br />
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We did the eye exam and while it was basically torture for Camden (he's had a lot of that lately..) there was no sign of pressure. So I said no to the spinal tap and we went forward with the MRI.<br />
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Thursday morning we arrived at the hospital at 7:15am. Camden was in new pjs and lighting mcqueen slippers and ridiculously excited about having "ma-keen" on his feet.<br />
He had to be fasting and woke early so he wasn't too happy about much else.<br />
They checked us in and explained how it would work.<br />
The MRI would take 2 hours and he would first be put under by gas, then an IV would be put in to keep him asleep.<br />
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I carried Camden in to the MRI room and I helped pin him down on the bed as he had the mask on. Camden hates doctors for one, and for two no toddler would just lay there with a mask on their face so he tried his best to fight it. I told him I loved him and I was sorry and his screams got more and more faint until he went limp. His breathing looked really weird and labored to me so I asked if he was breathing okay and they assured me it was normal and told me to kiss him and say goodbye.<br />
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I most definitely bawled. It was not a fun thing to watch, and I did not like leaving my baby with strangers. Not to mention I was terrified for the test results too. The nurse explained to us where the cafeteria was and different things but I didn't listen. I just asked how will you get ahold of me if you need me? So she gave me a pager like they do at restaurants when you're waiting to be seated.<br />
I didn't allow that thing to go in any pockets or bags I carried it all day. And I bought Camden a tiger at the gift shop because I felt bad lol.<br />
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He took about 1.5 hours and then they told me he was in recovery and they would get me when he began to stir. It took about 30 minutes of torture and then I got to go see him. He had a really hard time coming out of the anesthesia and it was sad but funny at the same time. He sounded like a cow and could NOT get his eyes open.<br />
His first clear request was for "cars". So after I rocked him for a while daddy took him and he ate crackers while watching the movie Cars. We were then discharged and ready to go.<br />
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We walked across the street to the neurologist for our immediate results. He saw us right away and pulled up Camden's imaging.<br />
He explained all that was normal then began to point what was not and my heart literally sunk lower than I have ever felt it. I hadn't really fully expected for there to be an abnormality.<br />
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Long story short, Camden has a chiari malformation. It's a malfromation of the cerebellum and means that his lower brain basically extends too far down into his neck. It puts pressure on the spinal cord and can cause chronic pain and head aches. It also blocks the proper flow of cerebral spinal fluid as everything is too cramped down there. The doctor showed us where we should see a thick line of fluid and showed us how Camden had a really really thin line meaning the fluid was having a hard time getting through. The pressure causes vomiting and is worse when laying down. The place where it is malformed is the exact point Camden tells me hurts everyday. It is also the exact same point where he loses control during an episode, and the neurologist told me it is definitely possible it is all related.<br />
It requires surgery to fix, which even as I type just makes me cry. Camden's is not considered severe and it is not an emergency must be done right away type of surgery. We have time to consider our options.<br />
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<br />This is a very over simplified representation, but simple for you. </div>
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It is hard because with a toddler it is impossible to know the extent of their symptoms. This malformation can cause numbness, weakness of muscles, vision problems, etc etc. We do know he has daily pain, as he constantly tells me it hurts and points to the spot on his neck/head.<br />
If left there are risks as well.<br />
If the flow of CBS is blocked proper signaling cannot occur within the brain. The CBS could find another path (the path of least resistance if you will) and he can acquire cysts along his spine that are basically sacks of the fluid but they can damage his spine.<br />
He is also currently high risk for serious head and spine injury if he falls the wrong way.<br />
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We still don't yet know if his malformation along with his symptoms are enough to warrant the need for surgery right away. We meet with the surgeon Friday and will be able to ask all of our questions and make more educated decisions.<br />
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All we know for certain at the moment is that we don't like the idea of Camden being in chronic pain, and we are scared of the risks of leaving it.<br />
However, we also know some details of the surgery and it is a big big deal. Patients who have the surgery are usually in the ICU for 1-3 days post surgery and then in recovery at the hospital for 3-5 days after that. We know that it is considered a very painful surgery and I don't like the idea of my son's head being opened at all.<br />
We hope that the surgeon will help us make a concrete decision we feel best about.<br />
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At the moment we are still kind of just coming off the initial shock wave. Definitely not something I saw anywhere in my future, nor in Camden's. Camden continues to be his goofy, unique self. His stranger danger continues to get worse the more testing he has, but he likely has a lot more imaging coming up after we meet with the surgeon. I also really cannot blame him. The kid is nearly two and he's had way more exams than I have ever hard.<br />
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However he is still a really happy boy and that helps a lot. He now knows how to say "BIG BRAIN!" and it makes me smile. We joke that he's just too smart for his own good so his brain doesn't fit in his little skull. He still carries around his tiger that I've taught him to call Chiari. I assume she will be there with us for all upcoming tests and procedures. <br />
We know we will be able to come to a decision we feel at peace with, and we know Camden will be okay, it's just the getting there that will be hard.<br />
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The MRI was hard enough for me, surgery on my not-even-two-year-old's brain? I told Garth if I don't go into preterm labor it will only be by some miracle. <br />
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Camden after his MRI. He would dance to the piano, and then rest for a bit. </div>
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I think we are still at a very sensitive point. I don't like answering a lot of questions, and I really don't like people telling me all the bright sides I should see. Obviously there is a lot I'm grateful for, but there is also a lot it will take time to find any amount of gratitude for. I also feel that it is okay for me to be stressed, it's okay for me to be sad, and it's okay for me to be worried. It's my son, and it's only been two days. <br />
So mostly I write this post not because I want to go on to talk about it with the world daily, not because I want attention, but because the more good vibes and prayers that are sent my son's way the better I feel about us going forward. So I figured getting it out there would be a good way for me to move forward and find my peace for now as well as acquire as much help for Camden as possible. <br />
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If you made it this far in reading... good job I'm impressed [: <br />
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<br />Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-86074647236332660502015-06-16T06:59:00.001-07:002015-06-16T06:59:59.073-07:00First trimesterGosh my Facebook was crazy last night. Thanks for all the loving and support ! We are very excited.<br />
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As a little update, we are almost 13 weeks! And yes we are due Christmas Day. </div>
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Let me back track in time a bit and then we can answer all the typical questions. </div>
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I was considering going into great detail about our journey to this pregnancy but I'll just share a brief overview. I felt it was time for another child long before we had planned to have another. Garth was initially not on board haha! So we waited and we discussed and we contemplated. My biggest thing was I didn't want a December baby. (I was so silly lol) </div>
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Anyways, I had an experience that hit me hard and I knew beyond a doubt we needed to try now. So we did. </div>
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I had already been off the pill for a while due to another miscarriage. A very early one considered just a non viablepregnancy. This was on Camden's first birthday. Anyways, we didn't get pregnant right away and I was experiencing some pain and issues so I went in. So fast forward, I ended up getting a laparoscopic surgery to remove and confirm I have endometriosis. The doctor felt it would be best to confirm I have endometriosis and then hopefully by removing it I would be able to get pregnant easier. After the surgery I was told they were unable to remove all of it and I would either need to go on lupron, a pretty intense injection, or try for a time to get pregnant. (Pregnancy kills endometrial tissue). </div>
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So we chose option two but knew we had a certain "limit" there as scar tissue grows with each ovulation. So then we got pregnant fast and I calculated our due date the moment I saw the positive test and I just laughed. December 25th. Haha the very thing I had wanted to avoid ! I said oops ! And moved on. </div>
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It turns out however, that during my surgery they lifted me up by one leg to flip my intestines. A ligament in my hip tore during that, but by the time that was all established I was pregnant. So no surgery options for me! So I've been sad to be in some pain and unable to run. But baby and I have been walking up a storm and continuing our HIIT workouts as much as we are able! It was kind of a trial for me as I was in the end of training for my first race with my sister and was then told I couldn't run in it. But there are more important things in life right? </div>
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So the grand question: are you as sick as you were with Camden?</div>
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I got sick much earlier this pregnancy than I did with Camden. I was trying with all I could to avoid medicine this pregnancy. I became unable to function by 7 weeks. So they started me on diclegis which is like a vitamin b supplement medicine my mom took with all of us. It's considered the safest medicine there is for pregnancy. It didn't work for me with Camden so I was skeptical but they convinced me if I got it in my system early enough I could probably avoid what I was on with him. They told me that if I waited until I got to the point I was at with Camden I would be past the time period in which I could try different things to help me, because once you are dehydrated you can only do so much. </div>
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With Camden I was on the heaviest duty they had because without it I was hospitalized for dehydration. So there are still two safer options between diclegis and zofran, what I was on with him. Zofran since having Camden has actually moved down the safety scale as well. </div>
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So. Basically for a while I was all over. I would have days I threw up 10+ times. Days I threw up once. I have finally kind of leveled off and I throw up 1-3 times every morning. It's like clock work really. And let me tell you. </div>
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I LOVE IT.<br />
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yes I throw up every day, but I feel good for the most part. Something I DID NOT have with Camden. There were no good days with him. Just days of terrible sickness. So I'm basically on cloud 9 this pregnancy, and I am not on zofran! So YAY FOR AMY!</div>
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Other questions: we have our hunches about gender, but I'm honestly tired of hearing people tell me they hope it's a girl. Which probably sounds mean of me but people keep telling me girls are so awesome, everyone has to have a daughter, etc etc. well guess what? I have a son and I would be the happiest woman in the world if I had 4 more of him. He's wonderful. So we are happy with whatever (: </div>
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We really are in no rush to get to the gender check. This pregnancy has been so low key and nice. No anxiety or stress just ready for it all when it comes (; </div>
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Okay last question: Christmas. </div>
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Of course I hope my baby isn't born Christmas Day, and I also don't think that will happen. Will I ask to be induced? No probably not. I like natural birth a lot and want to do that again! However, I'm not sad my baby will be the dreaded December baby like I thought. I was due Christmas Day. Those who know me know having a Christmas baby is so fitting for me. I also think it's going to be a very spiritual tender experience for Garth and I, that we will be blessed to have. A birth so close to Christ's birth, what could be a better reminder of the reason for the season ? I'm ecstatic and very happy about it all. </div>
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So there's your update. We are happy and blessed and just enjoying our little journey as we go along. </div>
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Here is how I announced to Garth:</div>
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Camden grabbed a book off the shelf for Garth to read about being a big brother. </div>
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Here is how we announced to family:<br />
We sent a text from Garth saying "I think Amy's obsession with Christmas
has gotten out of hand this year. She already knows what she is getting
Camden and has taught him to say it." And then sent this video. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-62829362181632578582015-03-08T21:05:00.001-07:002015-03-08T21:05:05.473-07:00Winter meets Spring <br />
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As Spring approaches I have been reflecting on this past season.<br />
Oh this winter has been such a fabulous one! We have filled it with so many memories. A lot of Christmasy adventures for the holidays, and now a lot of outdoor time. We have built snowmen and had snowball fights, and we have attended the zoo in short sleeves and sunshine. We love Colorado's weather it is so great. A little mix of everything.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaWKd48_XUngqR1Czayrzq_sF-2FbqibqdS6YgbJxreEOdoy8Qv3LeaCsIf6ynGJD-PgY1NAhuf-vf9kn1zktbNZRMhWqS3firukteADeiA0_O66KbabbElqShSwp6e0WLaKm59qlCoLw/s1600/IMG_8399.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaWKd48_XUngqR1Czayrzq_sF-2FbqibqdS6YgbJxreEOdoy8Qv3LeaCsIf6ynGJD-PgY1NAhuf-vf9kn1zktbNZRMhWqS3firukteADeiA0_O66KbabbElqShSwp6e0WLaKm59qlCoLw/s1600/IMG_8399.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>We are the usual Wright family level of busy. Garth is working and attending grad school. He always takes on so much I am always so inspired by how happily he does it. He is currently working about 35 hours a week plus full time school. Tuesday Thursday are happy days because we get to have breakfast all together as a family before he leaves for the entire day of classes.<br />
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I have been really enjoying the area we live in. Our ward is just so awesome. We have made some great friends and they make my week so much better. We have a little work out group and it is much needed social time for the moms as well as a really good workout. I love it. We got really lucky with our ward having so many great and fun families!!<br />
I feel really at peace where we currently live. Great friends, near family, good area-- I try not to think about the inevitable fact we will most likely have to leave it!<br />
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I enjoy being a stay at home mom. It is such a blessing. I've come to understand that it really is so hard, but I wouldn't change it. It is also wonderful and fulfilling. It just depends on the moment of the day sometimes [;<br />
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Camden is our busy bee. Gosh he is just so energetic. My sister told me not long ago that just watching him run around exhausts her. He is the typical into-everything-destructive boy. I love it. He's so fun. Currently he really enjoys being a "big helper". He helps unload the dishwasher, load the dryer and start it, dust, sweep, and pretends to vacuum with his shovel while I vacuum for real lol. Most of the time letting him help makes things go much slower, but he gets so excited I just can't say no. He loves all things that include some sort of ball.<br />
He can play basketball forever, catch, soccer, baseball and golf.. he loves them all. Grandpa has been enjoying teaching Camden how to putt, and Garth has been enjoying teaching him how to bat. It's a good thing Camden likes sports so far, he has a lot of family counting on that.<br />
He made it through nursery alone for the first time today (this is his third week). The first week he didn't make it very long, the second week I stayed with him most the time and then this week he did it! We are happy. I love nursery, it made all the little ones seem so old watching them color and have their lessons.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidBa88uEWZRQ4191dRtjt3M0gsHiFkApK2caDsITDBZ5NKTsndX7W7Ywaej2f3-nFm3a8Y0sA-vQdLenwXkPCyOKQ7Nr3KHj0QkBUshPXOX4MaxiwUpxlnuiiIFV__OGUZpyWBazz7Jb4/s1600/IMG_8556.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidBa88uEWZRQ4191dRtjt3M0gsHiFkApK2caDsITDBZ5NKTsndX7W7Ywaej2f3-nFm3a8Y0sA-vQdLenwXkPCyOKQ7Nr3KHj0QkBUshPXOX4MaxiwUpxlnuiiIFV__OGUZpyWBazz7Jb4/s1600/IMG_8556.JPG" height="320" width="180" /></a>Tantrums seem to have really settled as Camden has learned to communicate better and grown up a bit. Of course he is still a toddler boy! But he knows what it means to go sit in time out (we do our timeouts on the stairs). So occasionally he will go over there and sit down in time out when asked to. Usually while in time out he has to sit still and I give him some sort of talking to, I'm not sure he understands but he always whispers "OKAY" back when I'm finished. Then we usually do our best to go correct his "wrong". He's really good at saying sorry or saying "CLEAN UP!" as he throws away his food he dumped. Sometimes I wonder if he enjoys the correcting the wrong too much and so he doesn't mind getting in trouble.<br />
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Camden can talk with the best of them. I'm really actually amazed at all he can say on a daily basis, I couldn't even count all his words. Which is probably only amazing to me because he is my first child!<br />
But just to name a few of the typical words 18 month old Camden says:<br />
"Hi" to everyone<br />
"see ya!" when we are leaving anybody<br />
"please" and "thank you"<br />
"I want it" when he wants something<br />
"I see it" or "I see you" <br />
"baseball"<br />
"football"<br />
He can say almost all his cousins and aunts and uncles names<br />
"jesus" "church"<br />
"I fell" when he falls down<br />
"Hurt" when he's hurt<br />
"help" if he wants help with something.<br />
"happy" and "be happy"<br />
"love you"<br />
"sippy"<br />
"snow"<br />
"toothpaste" etc etc. He really just imitates us all day long so he learns new words often. I love it!<br />
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But probably my favorite thing is that every single night after prayers Camden gives each of us a hug while saying "awwwh", then a kiss, then says "push it" (asking if he can turn off the light).<br />
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He turns off the light and I put him in his crib and he says "bear?" I hand him his bear.<br />
"Eli?" I hand him his elephant. Then he says "night night" and I say it back, then he says "LOVE YOU!"<br />
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It is the sweetest little routine ever. I hope it sticks around for a long long time! <br />
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<br />Amy Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618341486393131819noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-47305183159376739372015-01-05T12:52:00.003-08:002015-01-05T12:52:51.996-08:00What I learned from the Big Apple <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Most of you probably know I spent 5 days in New York City with my sister-in-law this past week. You most likely know this because I have shamelessly posted pictures and selfies -- clearly I have been a little over excited.<br />
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I actually learned a lot from the trip, even if the trip was just a fun, kind of spontaneous trip!<br />
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It was the first time I have ever left Garth not to visit my family.<br />
The first time I have EVER left Camden.<br />
And my first "girls trip".<br />
Also technically really the first time I have hung out with my siter-in-law Tasha. We talk every day, all the time. But we live in different states so we made our first planned outing a big one, hello New York City!<br />
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Garth's older Sister Ana watched Tasha's oldest daughter Kay, and Garth watched her youngest Mataya.<br />
My mom helped out on the days Garth worked (he took a day off too though) and so it was definitely a group effort trip!<br />
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In the beginning, I felt guilty. I told Garth I shouldn't be going, that it was an awesome birthday present but that it was unfair. Garth gave me a huge long heart felt speech that basically said something like this: "Amy, women need breaks. You guys literally never stop thinking about what needs to be done, or about what comes next. The only way to take a break for you is to leave. Men are different. A break for me is watching a baseball game. I can tune everything else out. You can't. You need a girls trip. Breaks will make you a better mom and wife. You'll come back happy, and that is why it is also benefiting me." I know, I know . . . he is ridiculously sweet!<br />
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So I agreed that I would go, and I spent time wishing it would come faster!<br />
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Finally the day came that we left and I shed a few tears the morning of knowing I was leaving my boys behind. It is hard as a mom to leave your child behind! I left THREE PAGES of notes explaining things with Camden. THREE PAGES. Which I'm pretty sure got thrown right away as Garth or Grandma rolled their eyes thinking "wow really? I've got this".[;<br />
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Tasha and I arrived in NYC at 11pm and headed straight for Times Square. We were way too excited to go to bed!<br />
We wandered around, and she was introduced to the always busy feeling of the city for the first time. And just how bright it is at night!<br />
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Plane Ride</div>
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The next day we saw all the areas of New York. We began with a walk to get breakfast "anywhere". We ended up in a fancy little diner where the waiter had a great thick accent, and we couldn't understand very well at first.<br />
We saw The rich areas, the poor areas, Central Park, etc that day. We did a little shopping at Century 21 and "the vertical shopping experience" but mostly we were just getting familiar with our surroundings. Most of what we got that day were things for Christmas for our kids, we couldn't help it lol.<br />
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That night we saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway after eating at an awesome Pizzeria and it was amazing. The pizzeria was fancy and multi level but you still got to watch them make the pizzas, it was pretty cool/unique.<br />
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The show was great! I have now seen Wicked, the Lion king, White Christmas, and Phantom of the Opera. Phantom of the Opera had awesome set changes, it was pretty extravagant.<br />
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After the performance we ran right into some pretty intense riots since it was later at night. They were for the most part peaceful, but the amount of people storming the streets was a little insane at points and we decided to walk/jog to our hotel! <br />
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The next day we walked Central Park (literally got lost), went through Harlem again, shopped at Tiffany's and Madison Avenue. This day included a lot of walking on very little sleep! <br />
We then explored the whole Down Town loop and shopped SOHO. By nightfall it was raining, but we still spent two hours outside in the rain finishing exploring downtown. We were soaked. So soaked our shopping bags were all ripping and the walk back to hotel was more of a damp hobble as we tried to protect all our stuff (especially my camera!!).<br />
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Before Rain</div>
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During Rain</div>
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After Rain</div>
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The next day we shopped 5th avenue and Macy's and explored more of the
downtown area. It was rainy but we had prepared for it that day so we
weren't bothered by it. Macy's was INTENSE. That is a huge store and boy
was it packed. Great sales though! We literally spent 3 hours inside.
Its like a mall! <br />
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Sunday we made our low key site seeing day. We took the Staten Island Ferry and saw the Statue of Liberty up close as well as a view of Manhattan from the water. After, we headed to the 9/11 memorial. This was one of my favorite parts of the trip. It was an awesome museum and it was packed yet so, SO quiet inside. <br />
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Trinity Church</div>
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The Memorial:<br />
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Before the Attack:<br />
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During:<br />
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The original NY Skyline. <br />
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So many missing people papers all around after the attacks. <br />
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The famous stairs left still standing after the collapse. Many people survived because of them. <br />
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One of the Fire Departments that was the first to respond: <br />
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The memorial is really awesome, everyone that goes through can add their story. It is a very unified type of museum that makes everyone's experience that day a part of it. I really enjoyed walking through and highly recommend it. <br />
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We finished the day with Bryant Park ice skating and Christmas shops,
Rockefeller and the Saks Christmas Show, and then said good-bye to times
square.<br />
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That's my headband at the edge... packed street!!</div>
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Bryant Park:<br />
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This girl's first starbucks drink..</div>
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Monday was our last day. We had breakfast at a little diner, packed, and headed out of the city.<br />
It was a bitter sweet day. Happy to see our babies and Garth, but sad to leave the city and the fast pace behind.<br />
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It was definitely a trip for the books! Such an adventure! I am so so grateful I got to go!! <br />
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While on the trip there were many times I kept thinking I was so lucky to be there. So lucky to have a husband at home watching our son and niece, never complaining. Not many men would willingly do that. On day one of the trip we were listening to our tour guide talk about how everyone in Manhattan has nannies, and just how busy life is. The lack of grocery stores, the excess of places that deliver food--etc. There is nothing wrong with these things, of course, but it struck me that while I love the city, and I love the fast pace--I would never give up my simple life I have. My little family in our home aren't glamorous or glitzy. We don't do extravagant things all the time and I don't wear designer clothing--but we are rare. Garth and I fell in love and <i>chose </i>each other forever. We <i>chose </i>to be married. We then chose to have a child together, and plan to continue to let our family to grow. He chose to work I chose to stay home. We chose the life we have, and I love the life we've chosen. I would not choose anything else if I could go back!<br />
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But. I learned that the separation was good.<br />
Not that we <i>needed </i>to get away from each other, or that we needed a <i>break.</i><br />
I never felt like I just needed a break away from my family, but I can see now the ways in which it was healthy.<br />
Garth serving as "mom" and "dad" gave him a greater perspective on what it is like to be the spouse who stays home. He has expressed how much he learned from it, how much he understands better, and how much he appreciates me.<br />
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I have also grown in my gratitude for both Garth and Camden. Being away from either of them reminds me how impossible it would be for me to feel like my whole self without them. Especially without Garth.<br />
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I have noticed coming home that we are different. Not different as in our entire marriage has changed, but different as in we have been reminded of things that are maybe a little easily forgotten.<br />
We have expressed our love for each other more often, we have expressed appreciation more sincerely, we have cuddled longer, smiled more, enjoyed one anothers' presence more...<br />
to put it plainly there is a stronger spirit now in our home than there was when I left.<br />
We have been reminded of the important things, and given a renewed sense of energy to put those first things first.<br />
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Hopefully I am not being misunderstood. Garth and I have never been in a bad place, and I am not saying you need to vacation away from your spouse in order to love your spouse.<br />
But I am saying, that Garth's birthday gift for me was perfect for me and us.<br />
He knows me well.<br />
Garth didn't just give me a trip to New York for my birthday.<br />
He gave me the opportunity to feel like Amy. Just Amy. Not Amy and baby. Not housewife Amy.<br />
Just Amy.<br />
He gave me the opportunity to relax and enjoy.<br />
There was no calculating the next nap, meal, or diaper. There wasn't meal planning.<br />
Just me.<br />
He gave me the opportunity to remember.<br />
To remember why I love the mommy calculations. The little boy smudgey finger prints all over my kitchen and windows. Why I love cooking dinner and cleaning my home for my husband to return to.<br />
He gave me the opportunity to just take a breath and remember what I chose, and why I chose it. <br />
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I know some people expressed that it was weird I was going without Garth. Some people even thought the whole trip was weird. But for my little family it was perfect.<br />
Short enough to not be away too long, long enough to miss each other.<br />
I learned that the old saying is true: Absence does actually make the heart grow fonder.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-26855459702132188972014-11-22T19:50:00.001-08:002014-11-22T19:50:34.383-08:00First SleepoverThe cousins had their very first sleep over yesterday. I was so excited.<br />
Camden loves having a play mate. And Paris loves crafts! Camden enjoys being around during the crafts, but doesn't quite understand how to do them. He spent a lot more time eating the antlers we made than really appreciating them [; <br />
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We began the night with our Christmas Crafts. The kids decorated antlers and ornaments.<br />
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Paris is so cute to watch decorate her things. "Next PIECE" she says again and again. And then every once in a while she pauses to say "OOOOO PRETTY!!". I love it. <br />
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Next we baked some chocolate chip cookies which the kids enjoyed munching on. <br />
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Then we settled into their pjs and I TRIED to get them to sit still for a picture. <br />
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Which of course only resulted in them dancing to the music that was playing. <br />
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So I sat them on the couch attempting to MAKE them sit still<br />
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But very quickly it became a jump on the couch and die of laughter picture. I couldn't even bring myself to stop them--they were cracking up!!<br />
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After all the jumping I gave the kids their sippys and let them play in the playroom for a while just the two of them.<br />
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Then we settled in to watch the Polar Express. <br />
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Camden lasted about 20 minutes just walking around the family room and occasionally stopping to watch the movie, then he crashed and we put him into his crib. Paris fell asleep RIGHT at the very end of the movie. She excitedly said "CHOO CHOO" many times throughout the movie. I carried her to bed and both kids slept in to almost 10am today!<br />
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We had a fun Christmas breakfast this morning which included Santa and Snowman themed pancakes, eggs, and strawberries. (All sleepovers include a lot of sugar right....??)<br />
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Then the kids played for a bit in the playroom again as Garth and I packed up and cleaned, then we got them ready and headed to the mall to see Santa where we met Anna.<br />
Paris was so excited to see Santa, but I think she was even more excited to see her momma!<br />
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Camden LOVED SANTA.<br />
He ran straight to him smiling and talking and just jumped and jumped in front of him waiting for him to pick him up. Maybe I should be a little concerned my child has no concept of stranger danger! <br />
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Overall I would say it was a very successful first sleepover for these cousins! Camden adores having friends to play with so I was excited when Anna agreed to let Paris sleep here. Although I am not sure if they could have had more fun than I did. <br />
We will have to do it again sometime!!<br />
This is one of those things that make living near family so great!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-1443604637303730172014-10-13T19:43:00.000-07:002014-10-13T19:43:09.878-07:00Breathing Easy I am loving this age of Camden's. It is so fun.<br />
He is into everything, mimicking me like crazy, and just really taking in the world.<br />
His personality is shining through. He is loud, quirky, bold, sweet, and SMILEY.<br />
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I think partly I am loving this stage because I feel like I'm no longer holding my breath.<br />
Camden's health problems and questions and concerns I feel like always had me holding my breath.<br />
Someone would tell me "oh he is fine" but doctors always had something they were concerned about or wanted to "keep an eye on".<br />
Camden has had neurology appts, sick appts, well checks, therapy evaluations, swallow studies, EEG's, pediatric gastro, etc etc etc. Each time there have been red flags, concerning things, and things we need to medicate him for.<br />
Finally this past round of appts each doctor has said with a smile "I won't be needing to see him back again unless something changes, he looks good!"<br />
Oh those doctors smiles make me so happy! I usually get the concerned strained expressions where they are trying to not worry me too much but also trying to be honest with me.<br />
My happy baby's body has finally learned how to take in this world and keep up with his ever going mind!<br />
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There are many moments I laugh at him and I am filled with a sense of gratitude. He is healthy, he is thriving, and I am just enjoying him. I'm not guessing, questioning, scared... I'm just a mom raising a boy who is my entire world.<br />
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Love it.<br />
I know I probably talk about this a lot: his health, my peace or my worry, but there really truly are days that I just feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for finally getting to feel like a 'normal' mom.<br />
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Our family has been doing well.<br />
We are always busy but I feel like we are generally busy doing things we are happy to be doing.<br />
We have two custom signs we are currently working on for some customers--so exciting to get to share something Garth and I enjoy doing together with other people.<br />
I have been playing with my camera often--I'm a little obsessed. It's a work in progress.<br />
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Garth is a busy bee, but he is a good man and always finds time out in his day for Camden and I.<br />
Today we packed up Paris and Camden right after Garth got off work and headed for Golden.<br />
We took a little trail that begins in Down Town Golden and works its way up further into the Mountains.<br />
It was beautiful, and though our time was short it was nice to enjoy being outdoors with our little family.<br />
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Paris enjoyed pointing out all the dogs and ducks, and Camden barked at all of them. Which sounds like "ah ah ah". More like a monkey than a dog, but we understand what he means!!<br />
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I feel like every weekend we go do something different. Whether we go to the city, the mountains, a park, the zoo, etc etc, I seem to fall more in love with Colorado the more we explore.<br />
We don't know how long we will be here, we know we have 3 years here but who knows after that.<br />
I'm trying to soak it all up!<br />
<br />
So this past surgery was one of the best things that has happened to me ever! One, because I am no longer in pain. But more importantly two, because it allowed me to take a step back.<br />
I decided to put less pressure on myself, and I feel I have been succeeding in that. I've stopped glorifying a "to-do" list and the act of being busy, and I've started just slowing down and allowing myself to let the unimportant things go.<br />
I have created a loose schedule to keep me from doing TOO much in a day for the world and TOO little in a day for the things that matter in the eternities.<br />
It has only been a short bit but I can already feel how much joy it has allowed me to feel each and every individual day. <br />
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Anyways, that was my short little update [:<br />
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Here are pictures from our nature walk in Golden today.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-6784228213940451032014-10-04T21:00:00.001-07:002014-10-04T21:00:07.614-07:00Pumpkin PatchToday after the afternoon session of conference our family headed to the Pumpkin Patch along with Anna and Paris.<br />
I wasn't expecting so many little adventures at the pumpkin patch but it was so fun!<br />
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Garth had to leave early to attend priesthood but Paris and Camden enjoyed running around together and especially loved all the animals.<br />
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So Camden and Paris went on their first Hay-ride today!<br />
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Searched for pumpkins<br />
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Met a lot of animals they have never been around before <br />
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Rode a cute little "train"<br />
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Bounced in a bouncy house for the first time ever, and Just explored!<br />
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Oh and did their first corn maze ever<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3331507147272151973.post-53984166596610241352014-10-02T20:00:00.001-07:002014-10-02T20:02:04.047-07:00Learned Something New <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today has been a beautiful day.<br />
Beautiful in the most unusual of ways.<br />
I didn't leave the house and wander around my favorite city.<br />
I didn't do some fabulous craft.<br />
I didn't even shower.<br />
<br />
And yet I am feeling so, so happy.<br />
<br />
Let's back track.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I had surgery. <br />
It wasn't anything major or concerning. I went to the urologist a few weeks ago to check up on my kidney stones and to see if I could find a way to prevent them. I have passed all the ones that I had left after passing the three I passed shortly after giving birth. I am now stone free [:<br />
We established some things that were off in my urinalysis and how I could correct them the natural way. Through this process though we discovered I had a urethral stricture. It wasn't something I really had ever heard of and I was surprised to be told I needed surgery. However, when the doctor told me that if I didn't take care of it I would have the bladder of an 80 year old man by my thirties I said oooohkay sign me up! haha.<br />
So yesterday was surgery day. My sweet husband was there with me the whole time and it was a fairly quick procedure. I woke up to good news, the stricture wasn't as much of my urethra as they thought.<br />
Originally the plan would be that post surgery I would have to self cath for three months. A plan I was not fond of. But because the stricture was such a small section my doctor doesn't think that will be necessary. He said that the scar tissue within the stricture was very bad though and made my urethra about the size of a pin as far as the opening goes. He believes it occurred when I gave birth to Camden.<br />
<br />
So yesterday I was a little loopy and out of it, and I knew today would be a take it easy sort of day.<br />
<br />
It has been BEAUTIFUL.<br />
Mind you, this isn't pain killers talking because I didn't even cave and take medicine until about 2pm today.<br />
<br />
It seems everyday I wake up and my mind begins this whole to do list. It's a constant whirlwind in my head of things I need to complete. I follow Camden while he's awake around picking up and then I race around while he naps. I feel guilty if I clean when he's awake, but I also feel guilty if I don't clean and things aren't perfect when Garth's home. Anything I choose to do is associated with guilt.<br />
I try to accomplish it ALL in one day, so that surely TOMORROW will be better. And I never finish it all. Ever.<br />
By the time Garth comes home I feel totally zonked and just guilty about something. ALWAYS.<br />
<br />
Well today I felt completely relaxed. Because I had just had surgery I knew that I didn't need to push myself today. I didn't feel guilty for just enjoying the day. I didn't put any pressure on myself.<br />
I didn't feel guilty once today!<br />
And you know what? I spent every single second with my little boy besides his naps.<br />
I LOVED it. I didn't feel like he made any messes because I wasn't worried about it, I watched him explore without worrying about what needed to be picked up.<br />
We both giggled all day long together. He is SUCH a happy little boy I love it.<br />
I enjoyed being with him guilt free, and I realized that I need to be able to do this at some point every single day.<br />
Yes, I need to shower, and yes I need to maintain my home. But taking time to just BE with Camden... whole heartedly fully involved with him--that is the priority. I should feel no guilt in doing so.<br />
I hadn't realized how caught up in my "busy" trivial day to day things I had gotten.<br />
It took surgery to realize that I can slow down a bit and smell the roses!<br />
<br />
Today I was reminded that my little boy can speak so cute and well.<br />
He says<br />
"Jesus"<br />
"Daddy"<br />
"Daahdoo" (thank you)<br />
"Mommy"<br />
"Uh-OH"<br />
"Hiii"<br />
"Hey"<br />
and makes all sorts of animal noises.<br />
<br />
He can show me where his belly button is, loves covering his eyes to play peek a boo, can put his arms up for touch down, claps, shoot a basket, and imitates Daddy's drumming. <br />
<br />
Today we played catch for a long time as Camden literally SQUEALED in delight. He's gotten really good at actually catching the ball himself in the air! He is also getting pretty good at throwing.<br />
That little boy LOVES sports. He loves playing with any ball he can. Kicking, shooting, throwing. Those are his things.<br />
Camden and I read books, we took turns chasing each other around the house, we jumped on the bed (well, HE jumped), he took a bath and played with his bath toys, and much more.<br />
<br />
Garth came home and I actually felt just joy having both of them with me.<br />
The house was a disaster and I didn't even CARE. I just felt love and overwhelming peace.<br />
<br />
What a good day it's been.<br />
I have been reminded that the true joy in my day comes from my family. I don't need to have a perfect home to feel good about myself. I don't need to find pride in this sense of being "busy". Sometimes I think we mom's talk so much about how we feel so busy all the time, and we never get breaks etc etc that it almost has become an expectation to FEEL overwhelmed to be a good mom. Like we must somehow feel pressure to do it all or it means we aren't doing enough.<br />
When in reality my children will appreciate a mom who has the ability to say to heck with it today lets have some fun.<br />
The dishes will still be dirty tomorrow.<br />
But my son, he will get taller, wider, older, and more independent with every passing day-- and I don't want to miss a second of it.<br />
<br />
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