The New Chapter

Our chapter here in Rexburg ends in about a week!
Its exciting, scary, and crazy all at the same time. There are days that I'm excited to finally be leaving this little town. I'm ready for higher quality health care. I'm ready for better snow plow systems. I'm ready for a mall that's not forever away. I'm ready for grocery stores that aren't a monopoly and have to have competitive prices. I'm ready for an apartment that isn't quite as old as ours [:
But there are days that I don't want to leave my little snow globe of a town. The cute christmas lights on main street. The wonderful ward we are a part of. The apartment we have made our home. Camden's nursery. The ease of driving anywhere--no where is far. Most of all, our friends here. Garth and I have made wonderful friends here and I'm so sad to be leaving them. We will all enjoy the next chapters of our lives but I will miss all the little moments we have shared together.
We have made wonderful friends in two families in particular: The Murris and the Urrutias.
We all three have done so much! From camping, ladder golf, to n64 nights, to movie nights, to carving pumpkins, to Christmas dinners, to comedy night on campus, shopping and girls nights, and so much more! They have made our time here so much better and I'm a little upset that they have made it so much harder to leave..good going guys.
Garth and I already know we will be bugging them with visits sometime in the future, we'll just miss them too much. But at least we will always know the Urrutias will forever be weird no matter where they end up [; (you guys know what I'm saying!)
Here's just a little recap of our good times here:

My small little kitchen 

Pumpkin Carving with the neighbors 

 Our meat on a stick bbqs:

 Our first Rexburg Winter

 Camping and floating warm river:

 Our First Christmas Tree:

 Our first Thanksgiving:

Kyle's graduation:

 Being Pregnant together:

 Ladder Golf:

 That one time I graduated:

 and the banner I cam home to:

 Our family photo shoots:

 My favorite little neighbor: (Sorry mom and dad Urrutia)

When my favorite neighbor was born: 

Our candle light dinners: 

 Planning for little Camden:

 Camden's birth:

 The two buddies:

 That time Carson held his bottle for the first time with his favorite babysitter's [;

 Look at my cute little buddy

That time we stayed up all night making signs like this: 

 The "I just finished with finals and have no sleep" Garth:

 Our first Christmas Dinner:

 My weekly pregnancy notes from Garth:

 Our spontaneous date nights:

 The notes and husband made lunches I would receive when in school:

 The ridiculous Rexburg Rapids swimming pool:

 Visits from this little girl and seeing in her in a pool for the first time

 Girls night with these two:

 Brisk walks with my little man around this tiny town:

 Camden's first halloween:

 Our Second Christmas Dinner with all my favorite people:

Blessings

I have often found in life that when trials come, I am taught things that move me closer in the direction toward the person I need to be. My hardships generally prepare me to be a happier and closer to the Lord. It is, of course, nearly impossible sometimes to feel this way during the suffering. Luckily I have been prepared time and time again and have learned to just look for the blessings as soon as I can.
This week I have decided something (well actually many things, but lets start here)

My miscarriage taught me to trust in the Lord and in, most specifically, his timing.
My sick pregnancy taught me to trust in my husband.
My child is now teaching me to trust in myself and my instincts as a mother.
The process--though hard at times--has been perfect. I have learned things I needed to learn in each phase that prepared me for the next phase. I can only wonder what I am being prepared for now [;

Each learning process has come with trials and errors, but I can say for sure that each one was worth it in the end. This line of thinking is how, today, I am overcome with a sense of peace.
Camden has taught me so much in his little life-- I truly needed to be a mother in order to become the best person I can possibly be. (not that I am there yet!)
It's hard sometimes to know how to parent your baby. I feel that I constantly have worried about things like "spoiling" "bad sleep habits" "healthy sleep habits" "eating enough" "eating too much" "reflux" "tummy time" creating an "independent baby" all of those things. You know you hear that your child needs this much of this a day, and this much of this. He should be sleeping unswaddled by this age, he should have this skill done by this point, and he shouldn't need you to fall asleep anymore. Don't offer the binky at bedtime, he'll be dependent. Don't nurse him to sleep he'll be dependent. Let him cry it out, he needs to learn to self soothe--etc etc etc. Well this week I have learned that the stress of parenting comes from all the DIFFERENT voices in my head. When I'm focused on voices beyond my own and the spirit--I'm lost. When I'm listening to everyone around me I can't seek the lord's guidance with an open heart, I can't get to know MY child and parent him accordingly.
Well I have learned to stop.
This week I learned that none of that matters. Absolutely none of it. Do I want a happy healthy child? Yes. More than anything in this world. But I also know that time is precious. My baby isn't going to always want to cuddle with me, and I don't want to look back and wish I cuddled him more. If I ever lost a child I know I would not think "well at least he learned to self soothe" I would be grateful for the moments I just loved him. Unconditionally, fully, without stress, and gave him my every happiness. I know now that I would love my child no matter what. It would not matter if he was hard to get to go to sleep, if he spit up on me everyday, or if he had a physical defect--in the end no matter where he's at in progress he's just my little man. My little man whose smiles I cannot live without, regardless of everything else.

Today I am so grateful. I know now the lesson I needed to learn. I need to just be happy with my baby boy. Happy with his cat naps, happy with his tummy troubles, laugh at his faces, and smile at him often. Not charting, observing, stressing, changing--but enjoying. Carefree and happy --if not for my sake then for his. Especially because I know Camden watches me. I can see him in the room look at all the faces and smile when he finds mine. (AND, Of course I LOVE this).
This is not the first time I have thought about this--and don't worry I spend a lot of time enjoying my little boy everyday! But It has always come with wondering guilt as to if I am doing something wrong.
Well I'm done with that.
And I am grateful.
Grateful that my heavenly father has trusted me with such a wonderful child to raise and protect. Grateful that he has guided me daily in this process. Grateful for a husband who has stood strong and comforted me and been a rock through it all. Grateful for neighbors that I can talk to, trust, and rely on. Grateful that there is priesthood on this earth and Camden and I could receive all the blessings we have.
I am human, I make mistakes, I get scared, I forget my lessons. But I know where to find my strength. The strength is in my heavenly father.
I am lucky to have a family so consistently blessed by our loving Heavenly Father.

Instincts.

Maybe when you become a mother you are blessed with super instincts.
Maybe the Lord has blessed us all with guidance.
Whatever the explanation I'm being taught that we need to trust them.

Lesson number 1:
      Postpartum has been one issue after the other for me, with no explanations. About 2 weeks after having Camden I didn't feel like things were right. I messaged my doctor and he assured me I was fine, but prescribed some stronger pain meds. I never even bothered to pick them up. Even though I felt like something was off, I let it go.
As time went on it got worse, I called again and was told to wait it out.
Well then I lost a piece of placenta and I went in. Obviously everything had not been fine.
After that the bleeding began to stop and I thought I was finally on my way to recovery.
Wrong. 
The next day the pain I had been having got much worse. I called the doctor and was told I should probably head to the emergency room. Immediately I doubted the seriousness of my pain.
I didn't feel like it was enough pain for the emergency room.
Garth, being who he is, made me go to the hospital. However, the whole way there I talked him out of making me go in. We said a prayer when we got there and the thought I had was "Camden needs a healthy mother" and felt it was worth going in just to be safe-- but for some reason I ignored it, told myself I was being over-dramatic, and told Garth to take me home.  
So fast forward to my 6 week appointment, still in pain--still no answers. I kept assuring my doctor the pain was in my urethra but he kept assuming that I had trouble differentiating between pain "down there" (sorry) because everything is in such close proximity and I just had a baby.
In other words, this chick doesn't know what she's talking about. 
So we started with some cream for a lack of estrogen. You need estrogen to heal and breastfeeding causes a lack in most all women.
Well that didn't work, it made things much worse it seemed.
So I went back in. By this time my doctor was confused and basically told me he had no idea what was wrong with me. I again assured him it felt like my urethra and he assured me that I was just tender and inflamed everywhere.
SO I decided to see a different doctor.
Well this doctor found a few things wrong with me, but still not the source of my pain. AND still ignored the fact that I kept saying it felt like my urethra!
My "dissolvable"  stitches didn't dissolve and are trying to push out through the skin like splinter. That explains some pain.
I do indeed have a lack of estrogen causing all my organs to be inflamed.
I also have muscle spasms constantly happening in my pelvic muscles so that causes some pain as well.
Still not the pain I was in need of help with--but pain.
So that all will be fixed with medicine, physical therapy, and possibly two surgeries depending on how therapy goes.
SO I leave that doctor still in pain but thinking I had the problem solved.
Wrong.
That night the pain peaked and I hurried home to find some relief in a warm bath, but then passed three stones.
I had no idea what they were but for some reason suspected kidney stones, asked my nurse sister-in-law to look at them and tell me what she thought.
Went in the next day and got a "OH you passed a large kidney stone there. Your symptoms all make sense now"
Gee thanks.
I cannot help but look back at that day that I was sitting outside the hospital feeling prompted to go inside and wonder if I would have discovered the source of my pain that night had I not put it off.
 I should have just listened!

Lesson number 2:
Lately I have just felt like Camden is sick. Its been bugging me in the back of my mind but I keep going through a check list in my head.
Is he more fussy than usual?
No, not really.
He's eating more frequently--maybe a growth spurt? 
Is he still sleeping okay? 
Yes. 
Does he have a temperature?
No. 
He's spitting up a lot more...but he has relux. Probably just that. 
But it just kept bugging me. I've seriously taken his temperature so many times this week because he felt warm to me. It was never above 99 so I kept telling myself to chill out. (I even used two different thermometers haha).
Well yesterday I was SO close to taking him in. The fact that his doctor had missed my infected stitches and another doctor saw them instantly really bothered me, and I felt like maybe Camden needed a more thorough doctor. I was seriously SO close! But I talked myself out of it. (Mind you I have been to the doctor so much the last two months between his reflux and my issues, I just feel annoying).
I took his temperature again last night and I told Garth I just felt like the thermometer was off, leven maybe just a few degrees low. 
So then today begins as normal. Camden smiles at me and says his new favorite "goo" over and over again. But then he spits up and there's clumps, or globs, of blood in it. Instantly I thought you should have taken him in yesterday! 
SO we made a trip to the hospital. He's doing fine, his frequent reflux has burned his throat which caused a little bit of blood.
However, his temperature was elevated (ehem) and his white blood cell count was a little low. The doctor thinks that Camden has been fighting off an upper respiratory virus.
I knew it and I ignored it. I knew his temperature was up, but I second guessed myself.

Moral of my stories?
Trust your instincts. Especially as a mom. Motherly instincts are just a real thing.

Little Baby Fingers

 

Babies are a wonder. I seriously sit here sometimes and think about how completely indescribable the relationship between mom and baby truly is. How my love and happiness could be so undeniably wrapped around those tiny little fingers I will never understand. 

I now understand the meaning of "loving someone so much it hurts". 

I love Camden so much I ache for him. 

I ache for the pains in life he'll inevitably encounter, I ache for those tummy pains, I ache for his struggle to learn to navigate life outside the womb. 

Camden may spit up on me and my friends frequently. 

He occasionally uses the bathtub as his diaper while I'm bathing him. 

And he's recently become a fan of the 20 minute catnap. 

BUT I still stare at him and wonder what I did to be so lucky. 

Seriously my kid probably wonders why I just sit and look at him so much! 

He's made me into quite the worry wart of sorts. 

Is he getting enough milk? 

Is he getting too much milk?

Is my letdown too fast? 

Why is he spitting up?

Does his tummy hurt?

Is he sleeping enough?

Is he over sleeping? 

Is he too warm?

Is he cold? 

Will I spoil him? 

Does he have a gas bubble? 

Is he colicky? 

I drive Garth insane with all of my theories I throw at him when he walks through the door.  

Everyday Camden's unexplainable actions have been diagnosed as something else by me. Everyday I have a new thing I need to try. Something else I want to begin teaching him. 

I know Garth looks at me like a crazy person, but I can't help it. 

Camden's happiness is now so completely and totally intertwined with mine that I constantly want to make him as comfortable and happy as possible. I want to make this transition from the womb to the world that much easier and smooth for him.

Some days he wakes up and I wish for twenty more minutes. 

Some days I wake up and can't wait for him to wake up. 

But always without fail I am happy when I go into his room in the morning and see his little face. 

Every morning I grab my handsome boy from his crib and we begin our day together. 

Sometimes he cries when he's tired and I wish I could help him and I wish he would sleep, 

but every single time he calms or falls asleep in my arms I don't want to put him down. I want to freeze time and just enjoy this moment we have together. 

I tell myself its better for he and I if I put him down, so I do. But I can't help but check him and smile at how cute he is when he sleeps multiple times during his nap. 

 

Camden is a child all his own. He's not like any other baby I've ever encountered. 

He's going to be a talker like his momma. He babbles more than any little boy I've seen. 

He will let you know what he wants, you can be sure of that. 

He loves his bouncer seat. 

His mobile provides endless entertainment. 

When he smiles its no small grin, it fills his whole face, and occasionally its accompanied by a sticking out tongue.

I don't always know what he wants, but he's patient with me. 

All I know for sure is every night my knees hit the floor and I pray to be the best mom I can be, to know what choices I should be making for my little guy, and to be better tuned in to his needs--but most of all--I thank God for sending me his child that I now call my own.

A mini update

We are officially into fall now, and I'm pretty excited. Although Rexburg seems to have skipped on right to winter with the half rain half snow today and the below freezing temperatures at night!
But its okay because Camden looks so cute all bundled up.
Garth is doing well in school, he's pretty much gone from 8-5 everyday and at 6am working out.
We have been having fun as a family and Garth and I love learning more and more about our little boy. Although he doesn't feel so little anymore! Almost 10 whole pounds and such a long boy! He is outgrowing his newborn clothes in length, but not width. He needs some more chunk on his little body. But his chubby cheeks are quite adorable.
I love being home with Camden everyday and learning more about what he wants. I love that I'm learning to understand what each of his cries mean and I love being who he wants. He's a pretty adorable boy. So many smiles, especially in the mornings. I love his little smile that starts small and then fills his whole face. It makes me proud to be his momma.
Poor boy has some bad reflux, he has been hoarse, and throwing up for days ):
The saddest part is he still babbles and squeaks at me in his hoarse voice and he still smiles right after throwing up. It wakes him up at night because it seems to burn his throat. But he usually just puts himself back to sleep.
He had two doctor's appointments and an ultrasound. The ultrasound was just cautionary because meds weren't helping so they wanted to rule out a developmental issue. So yesterday at 11:45 I went to my 6 week appointment, and sadly I was told I need two more weeks of recovery and some medicine because I'm not healing correctly. Then I went home and fed Camden and got him ready for his appt. He was woken up and stripped down to his diaper to be weighed and he was so calm, first time he hasnt cried for that part--he hates being cold. Then we waited for the doctor, and then waited forever for them to make the ultrasound appointment for us after the appointment. By this time Camden was getting restless and hungry. I packed him up and drove to Teton radiology for his ultrasound, woke him up again and stripped him down again. He had to be hungry for the ultasound so they could see everything empty and then watch his stomach as he ate a bottle. I was anticipating a very fussy baby. He was such a champ. He just chilled while they rubbed his belly and he held my hands and stared at me. He did fill his diaper quite loudly too, but hey...hes a baby (:

Camden fits into our little family perfectly. I can't imagine our life without him now.
I never thought I would be that mom who wakes up at night and wonders if her baby is warm enough, but I am.
I never thought it could matter so much that my child's belly is full and he's growing.
I never thought a toothless smile could be so adorable!
He is learning to love being in the car, and walks! Which is happy because he used to HATE being in his car seat [:
I'm still learning how to do this mom business, but Camden is patient with me.
 I've had to learn to be very flexible in my schedule. To put the first things first and realize that the house can wait 20 more minutes until my baby is sleeping. Once he's asleep the race is on to get it all done! But I'm also SLOWLY learning that I need to take care of myself too, perhaps sometimes before I begin cleaning the house.

Funny moments from this week
Garth opening Camden's diaper and Camden instantly peeing on Garth like he planned it and was waiting.
Because Camden is hoarse he can't whine very well so he's developed a little yell. He will whine and then stop and give out his little squawk for a second. Its very cute, and very forceful.
Camden has been rolling from tummy to back for about a week now, he refuses to stay in tummy time and he cries until he gets on his back, then he is totally satisfied.
Having Grandma on speaker phone and Camden beaming and smiling through the whole conversation. He loves her [:
Camden likes to suck his wrist when we burp him. He has a little hickey on his arm now!