Half a Year

My little boy is currently sleeping, and the next time I see him (probably around 8am tomorrow) he will be 6 months old. I'm a mixture of sad, proud, excited, and bummed all at once. Bummed and sad because half a year is over with him and it's just going so so fast. Excited and proud because he's learning so much, and I'm so glad he's mine. I look forward to many more months with him, and I hope to enjoy each one.

In 6 months Camden has taught me a lot.

I am so grateful for all that he has taught me, and will continue to teach me. I'm a slow learner but he's patient! But instead of talking about me, lets talk about Camden for this post! [:

At six months Camden...

Loves his little apple that chimes when he rocks it. (This used to be my toy too).

Holds his own bottle, and actually prefers it that way.

Occasionally finds it hilarious to pull the bottle out of his mouth and watch it drip. (Mom does not find this very funny).

Knows how to roll but really doesn't care to do it often. He has his random moments where he rolls (mostly to get his binky) but this is a new development. If I pull his leg a little then he just flips himself really quick because he knows how and knows I want him to, but sometimes he gets grumpy and pushes back at me and whines because he doesn't want to roll. Stubborn boy.

Laughs when you say "mom mom mom" or "Dad dad dad" probably because he thinks we are crazy for telling him to say such things at 6 months haha.

Loves his daddy like crazy. Finds absolutely everything he does to be ridiculously hilarious, occasionally snorting while he laughs.

Snores. Ha. It is adorable.

LOVES his blanket. When I lay him in his crib for nap time he holds out his arms waiting for me to hand him his blanket, then promptly pulls it up over his face. We only let him sleep with crocheted blankets with big holes because he wont sleep without it up over his face. Even if you move it, he pulls it right back up. He also has always moved in his sleep a ton but now he does it WITH the blanket. He gets laid horizontal on the right side of his crib and wakes up vertical on the complete left side of his crib, blanket still held in his hands over his face. He's wonderful.

Talks and babbles like crazy. More than most babies I've been around his age. And at a much higher pitch!

Loves music.

Loves when mom sings.

Strokes all sorts of fabrics and textures. So interested in the way everything feels.

Puts himself to sleep for naps and at bed time. His naps are usually around 2 hours for the first two naps and an hour for the third.  He's not consistent, sometimes its more than two hours sometimes its about 1 and a 1/2 hours. And his wake times are currently getting longer so the third nap may drop soon. We shall see. But we are flexible!

He consistently sleeps 12 hours a night straight through sometimes a little more depending on naps that day. The average is 7:30pm-8am. We love this!

 Smiles allllll the time! At everyone! We also love this.

Loves his feet probably more than any toy.

Trying so hard to learn to scoot but mostly accidentally goes backwards and doesn't like it!

LOVES his glow worm. I think its creepy. But it glows for ten minutes and plays a song when I lay him down for his nap. He strokes it or pulls it close and goes to sleep.

Sucks in his bottom lip often. 

Has changed so much since we figured out the MSPI. He is so calm. So happy. Not in pain and grunty. Still has reflux, and we had to change his meds for that. But no more random bouts of screaming. No more pain. Just calm happy Camden who loves his binky again! He sleeps so well. He is gaining weight...still skinny but that's just Camden! He's totally chill now and mom is not a stressed mess trying to figure out where and what the pain is!
He's been on the hypoallergenic formula for a little over a month and is so good with it. We are happy. Hoping to begin some solids next week! [:

I love my little boy. I held him extra long tonight before I put him down in the crib for bed. He rested his head on my shoulder and stroked my arm (he liked the fabric of my hoodie) while I just held him and sang to him. I wasn't ready to say goodnight to my little 5 month old. But tomorrow I know that a happy smiling 6 month old Camden will be excited to greet me in the morning and will promptly grab his feet and lift his bum for me to change his diaper. Haha, such a gentleman.

And that's Camden!

Tiny Update

As far as Camden and his new formula goes, he is doing great.
He still throws up all day long--but that's reflux and nothing will help it until he grows out of it.
(before I receive messages of advice, we've tried thickening feeds, medicine, hypoallergenic formula..we just give him zantac to minimize pain now nothing has made any difference)
The doctor said by this point we should see about a 30% improvement. It will take 4 weeks for the tissues of his stomach to totally heal so I should still see some big strides. Camden still has some days of unexplained crying and hard to soothe moments but his sleep is back on track! He's slept through the entire night (12 hours to be exact..) without eating the last 3 nights. He no longer has harsh wake ups where he wakes immediately crying, he now has more easy transitions. He's also napping longer shortest nap of the day is usually at least an hour and the others are 2-3 hours! Beauty. Besides all that I just enjoy knowing he's not uncomfortable all the time. Also, some have messaged me suggesting I don't stop breast feeding and that I continue just cut out the dairy, soy, whey, etc from my diet.
Stopping breastfeeding has been a hard choice, but the hardest part was Camden refusing to nurse. He won't do it. I have to supplement, and I have to pump in order for him to eat at all.
I made the decision that was best for both of us, even if it may not seem like it to some. I have been losing weight since I had him, and am close to lower than I've ever been since I was 18. Garth and I didn't feel that the stress of pumping all day, along with the stress of a very restricted diet and my already non-healthy self would be what was best.
We appreciate the opinions, but also appreciate the respect for our choices.

Today Camden has had it a little rough. He's been congested since thanksgiving break (most likely due to the allergy). Today his nose is really runny and full, but the mucus is soft and thin instead of gooey and thick like it has been. So its hard to tell if Camden has gotten a cold and that explains the nose or not, but the doctor believes his congestion is probably actually just finally breaking up now due to the new formula. So for the moment hes a little frustrated that he can't breathe and he blows snot bubbles when he cries .. also that evil mom sucks out his nose.. but he's on the mend! He's still going down easy at nap time.
Funny story, I've always known Camden loves his music. Its very soothing to him but he pays attention to it, we can't play music through nap time or he just lays there and listens without sleeping. So our routine is that we sit in the rocking chair and I sing this song I've sang to him since birth. (its a pioneer song). Its short, and he's always still wide awake when I'm done but its just to help him wind down. So then we put him in the crib and squeeze his little glow worm which glows and plays a song for 10 minutes. Camden sometimes falls asleep before it finishes but if not it turns off and he rolls over the other direction and just goes to sleep. So great right?
Well I've had a cold and so I've been humming that song at nap time. And Camden has been so unsettled while I rock and hum that I've eventually just taken to laying him in the crib and turning on his glow worm. Its been confusing! Well finally the other day I was humming away and he was squirming and fussing and I remembered I finally felt better and had my voice back so I started to really sing--instant peace. Camden settled right away, pushed his arms out to prop himself up off my shoulder, looked up at my face and smiled. The last couple of days now that I'm actually singing again our routine is perfect again! In fact generally when I start in on the song he pushes his body up looks at me and smiles before he rests his bed back down on my shoulder. Silly boy just doesn't like my humming I guess, he wants the real thing.

Saying Goodbye

No one tells you how much pain and joy come so intertwined within motherhood.
No one tells you, because it really isn't something that can be put into words.
I have talked to friends who are newly mothers lately and they all say something to the effect of it being "wonderful" and "rewarding" and also "not what they thought" "surprising" and "hard". And we all smile those knowing smiles completely understanding what they mean--and understanding that there are no words. No words because it is something so sacred and so dear to a woman that no worldly phrases could really describe those feelings.
Everyday I'm learning.
Today I think I've learned to officially say goodbye.
My son has reflux pretty badly. He'll grow out of it and that's okay. I've learned to say goodbye to perfectly spot free clothes all day long. It's not possible.
He also has had a seizure. Which I don't really, and won't really talk about. It was not a pleasant experience or day. But he has since had a CT scan, bloodwork, EEG etc. All are normal. No tumors, no epilepsy, no brain swelling. Although the EEG was the most horrific experience of my life (excluding the moment of his seizure) I'm glad to know he is okay. They believe it was a one time event--not that uncommon for babies actually. That's a relief.
Post seizure I pretty much spoiled Camden like nobodies business. I was slightly afraid to let him be alone for long periods of time. Afraid I might miss important things to add to the list I was supposed to take to the neurologist. When you're told to watch for things, its possible to question literally everything.
ANYHOW that lead to a short burst of him needing to cry it out in order to learn to sleep well again. I needed him to be able to sleep well, and fall asleep well in order to know that his fussiness was actual problems or abnormal--not just overtired but mom isn't bouncing me correctly--make sense?
So we did that.
Hard again.
But it was an instant improvement in Camden. Happier, slept longer, mom was more relaxed, the list goes on. I learned to say goodbye to those cuddly naps I loved. But I traded them for more relaxed predictable days and a happier baby.
However, there was one thing that didn't improve and continued to get worse--nursing.
Now here's where I guess maybe my bitterness may come out a little.
Women constantly tell other women how much nursing is best. How much we are better mothers for pressing through the nursing. All the negatives to formula. And I get it. I know scientifically what is better. But the judgements and the pressure--that's not better.
Camden has never been the best nurser. He struggled to latch, but we saw a consultant after two weeks of rough nursing. We worked through it. After that he occasionally had feeds where he would cry and refuse unless I bounced him while nursing--yeah try that sometime. Not fun.
He would cry and cry and eventually just throw up all that he had just barely eaten.
But I dealt with the puke filled bra for 4 months, because it was what was best for him right? 
Thanksgiving marked the turn where Camden just began to full on refuse. He would not take full feeds. He began to lose weight. I began to lose my supply. I tried and tried.  Some days were better than others but we both began to be exhausted. After a lot of thought, prayer, and back and forth I finally told Garth I had to say goodbye.
And yet I tried to hold out.
I began pumping and supplementing all day long. Camden began to be getting bottles all day, but I still nursed at night and in the morning--his least fussy feeds. (Because the flow is fastest at these times). I struggled with it, but because my supply had decreased it was really a necessity. And I couldn't get Camden to nurse and then take a bottle of the extra--he just wanted bottles period. It was sad to see that he was consistently taking 2-4 more oz than I was actually making for him, but he began gaining weight--so it helped me.
Plus he was still getting breast milk AND nursing twice a day--win win right?
Ha.
Camden's fussiness and night waking got more intense. He was happier during the day because he was more full, and not having to nurse, but his sleep got worse. He began waking up screaming instead of calm and happy. It had happened some days before, but it was becoming more consistent.
Long story short--the doctor believes Camden has a milk protein allergy. Which passes through my milk, and is in the formula.
It's officially time to say goodbye.
He will now be on a hypoallergenic formula, and I am letting go. I have to be okay with what is truly best for my son. And I know that "breast is best" but not for Camden.
With the reflux and the protein intolerance--it really truly isn't. Not if I want him to enjoy his life!
So here's to saying goodbye in the name of a better hello.
Hopefully this new switch helps him out!
Although I will say--in the midst of everything--he's still always such a happy little guy! Just not sleeping as much as mom would enjoy sometimes! [:
Gotta love motherhood!

What is Christmas Anyways?

I apologize for those of you who already heard this. 

I also apologize for all the grammatical errors, this was meant to be given orally--I didn't really plan to type it all up perfectly. I also resisted the urge to add proper citations and a works cited, because I know its a blog and you don't care. 

I will post Garth's talk as soon as he types it up. Its just mainly for our records--but feel free to read [:           

 For those who know me, you know that I love Christmas maybe a little more than the average person. I’m that annoying neighbor who has her holiday wreath up the day after Halloween and Christmas music begins playing way before Thanksgiving (which I realize is a big no no for some), especially if its already begun to snow outside. My husband has tried, and failed, to stall me on my premature decorations and holiday excitement, but I simply love the holidays too much!

            So as I was preparing my talk I began to think about what makes Christmas so special for all of us. Of course there is the music, the decorations, Santa, and the inevitable time with family. However, I believe what really draws us all in is the dominant presence the spirit of Christ has during this season. I believe we all, religious or not, become a little more Christ-like when the Holidays come around—that’s the real magic of the season. Its not just in the giving of gifts, but also in our thoughts we begin to look outward beyond ourselves and see the needs of others.

President Monson said in the annual Christmas Devotional, “Our celebration of Christmas should be a reflection of the love and selflessness taught by the Savior. Giving, not getting, brings to full bloom the Christmas spirit. We feel more kindly one to another. We reach out in love to help those less fortunate. Our hearts are softened. Enemies are forgiven, friends remembered, and God obeyed. The spirit of Christmas illuminates the picture window of the soul, and we look out upon the world’s busy life and become more interested in people than in things. To catch the real meaning of the spirit of Christmas, we need only drop the last syllable, and it becomes the Spirit of Christ.” 

He goes on to quote David O. McKay: “True happiness comes only by making others happy—the practical application of the Savior’s doctrine of losing one’s life to gain it. In short, the Christmas spirit is the Christ spirit, that makes our hearts glow in brotherly love and friendship and prompts us to kind deeds of service.”

If true happiness comes only by making others happy, we could definitely argue that Christmas really is the happiest time of the year for many people. It’s the time of year that most people are most focused on giving to others and making others happy—rather than just on receiving and selfish desires.

The practice of gift giving—though sometimes the ideas and actions may be misplaced—brings a positive spirit to the season. I wanted to preface my talk with this idea so as to not be misunderstood. The gift giving, the songs, the holiday baking—they all can have a place within the season –but isn’t there truly just so much more?

I bet a lot of you have your Christmas shopping done, or close to it. How many of us have already decorated our trees and posted a picture on the Internet for all to see? How many of us have already done some form of holiday baking? Have you already purchased the needed wrapping paper, the ever-popular ugly sweaters, the candy canes, and the hot chocolate?

But how many of you have read the story of Christ’s birth?

How many of you have stopped and thanked God that he gave his son for you?

I read a talk entitled “Maybe Christmas Doesn’t Come From A Store” by Jefferey R. Holland and it inspired a lot of what comes next. What I found key to his talk is that he points out that the story of Christ’s birth is a story of profound poverty.  There was gift giving yes—we all know the Wise Men came later bearing gifts. They, however, traveled a great distance-- it is unlikely that they were there on the actual night of Christ’s birth.

In fact, Matthew records that when they came Jesus was “a young child,” and the family was living in “a house.”  Elder Holland says, “Perhaps this provides an important distinction we should remember in our own holiday season. Maybe the purchasing and the making and the wrapping and the decorating—those delightfully generous and important expressions of our love at Christmas—should be separated, if only slightly, from the more quiet, personal moments when we consider the meaning of the Baby (and his birth) who prompts the giving of such gifts.”

As we read and reread the story of Christ’s birth we can more fully understand the poor circumstances in which he entered this world. When comparing the JST of Luke 2:7 to the original writing Elder Holland speculates about the deeper meaning of the phrasing, he says, “I wonder if Luke did not have some special meaning when he wrote not ‘there was no room in the inn’ but specifically that ‘there was no room for them in the inn.’ (Luke 2:7). We cannot be certain, but it is my guess that money could talk in those days as well as in our own. I think if Joseph and Mary had been people of influence or means, they would have found lodging even at that busy time of year. I have wondered if the Inspired Version also was suggesting they did not know the “right people” in saying, ‘There was none to give room for them in the inns.’” (JST, Luke 2:7.).

Now I want to stop for a second. For those of you who have children think back to the night they entered this world, and for those of you who don’t, imagine what you want that night to be like. 

I imagine most of you, if not all, imagined a knowledgeable medical staff caring to you and your baby. Probably all of you imagined a clean sanitary room. Maybe some of you imagined your mom there, or even a sister or aunt, or maybe you had all three! You might have pictures of your newborn child taking their first bath with the nurse, and you probably packed a perfect little warm outfit in your overly filled hospital bag.

I am going to take a little liberty as I compare my experience to that of Mary’s. As I prepared for Camden’s birth I would have done anything –given anything--to bring him into this world in the safest most peaceful way possible. I attended birthing classes with my husband, I toured the Labor and delivery unit of the hospital. I selected a doctor I knew and trusted and that I saw regularly for the entirety of my pregnancy. Before Camden was even born I wanted to give him the world. I spent months sewing all of his crib bedding and his curtains for his nursery. Garth and I spent many weekends with little projects, painting and sanding furniture, to create the perfect place for him to call home. On our “night of nights” I was not worried about where I would give birth. I knew exactly where I would be. I also knew I had a good ward and neighbors who would help me as I made the transition to a mother.

Mary and Joseph found themselves in a city not their own on the night of their baby’s arrival. They did not have family or friends they could look toward to lend a helping hand. There was no doctor to deliver the Son of God, no knowledgeable medical staff. They did not even have a place to stay. 

Elder Holland speculates about the feelings they may have had, “Mary had ridden or walked approximately 100 miles from Nazareth in Galilee to Bethlehem in Judea. Surely Joseph must have wept at her silent courage. Now, alone and unnoticed, they had to descend from human company to a stable, a grotto full of animals, there to bring forth the Son of God. I wonder what emotions Joseph might have had as he cleared away the dung and debris. I wonder if he felt the sting of tears as he hurriedly tried to find the cleanest straw and hold the animals back. I wonder if he wondered: ‘Could there be a more unhealthy, a more disease-ridden, a more despicable circumstance in which a child could be born? Is this a place fit for a king? Should the mother of the Son of God be asked to enter the valley of the shadow of death in such a foul and unfamiliar place as this? Is it wrong to wish her some comfort? Is it right He should be born here?’”

 It is under these humble, quite honestly somewhat horrifying, circumstances, the Son of God entered this world. 

After Camden’s birth I had so many questions. The nurses were constantly in and out of the room and I looked to them for guidance. My mother flew in the next day, brought me some much needed Jamba Juice, and I looked to her for understanding. She was someone I could trust to help me as I felt the flood of emotion, responsibility, and fear that came as I began my role as a mother. 

Elder Holland reminds us of the stark contrast for Mary as she cared for her son. “I’ve thought of Luke’s careful phrasing about that holy night in Bethlehem: ‘The days were accomplished that she should be delivered.’, ‘And she brought forth her firstborn son, and [she] wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and [she] laid him in a manger.’ (Luke 2:6–7; italics added.) Those brief pronouns trumpet in our ears that, second only to the child himself, Mary is the chiefest figure, the regal queen, mother of mothers—holding center stage in this grandest of all dramatic moments. And those same pronouns also trumpet that, save for her beloved husband, she was very much alone."

Again, the Son of God Came with no trained medical staff, no warm blankets to wrap him in, no perfectly selected warm fuzzy outfit to be placed in. 

And yet, It’s this moment in history that we all remember every year.

 It is at this moment that a heavenly host broke into song. 

It is at this moment that a new star shined in the sky. 

This moment—pivotal for all mankind—this family was alone. 

A poor carpenter, a virgin mother, the silent stable animals, and the Son of God.

This moment is Christmas. It is, as the cliché goes, the reason for the season. A baby brought to save mankind, here under the most humble of means, a mother and father who carried their burdens well and trusted in their heavenly father. 

Please don't misunderstand my meaning. This does not mean that the other symbols do not have their place, as Elder Holland reminded in his talk, “Shepherds would soon arrive and later, wise men from the East. Later yet the memory of that night would bring Santa Claus and Frosty and Rudolph—and all would be welcome. But first and forever there was just a little family, without toys or trees or tinsel. With a baby—that’s how Christmas began.”

I hope you all will strive to remember the circumstances surrounding Christ’s birth this season. Find happiness and joy in the season. Spend time with your family, give gifts and spread peace. Enjoy the time of year and all its magic—but always remember that Christmas began in a stable.