Today has been a beautiful day.
Beautiful in the most unusual of ways.
I didn't leave the house and wander around my favorite city.
I didn't do some fabulous craft.
I didn't even shower.
And yet I am feeling so, so happy.
Let's back track.
Yesterday I had surgery.
It wasn't anything major or concerning. I went to the urologist a few weeks ago to check up on my kidney stones and to see if I could find a way to prevent them. I have passed all the ones that I had left after passing the three I passed shortly after giving birth. I am now stone free [:
We established some things that were off in my urinalysis and how I could correct them the natural way. Through this process though we discovered I had a urethral stricture. It wasn't something I really had ever heard of and I was surprised to be told I needed surgery. However, when the doctor told me that if I didn't take care of it I would have the bladder of an 80 year old man by my thirties I said oooohkay sign me up! haha.
So yesterday was surgery day. My sweet husband was there with me the whole time and it was a fairly quick procedure. I woke up to good news, the stricture wasn't as much of my urethra as they thought.
Originally the plan would be that post surgery I would have to self cath for three months. A plan I was not fond of. But because the stricture was such a small section my doctor doesn't think that will be necessary. He said that the scar tissue within the stricture was very bad though and made my urethra about the size of a pin as far as the opening goes. He believes it occurred when I gave birth to Camden.
So yesterday I was a little loopy and out of it, and I knew today would be a take it easy sort of day.
It has been BEAUTIFUL.
Mind you, this isn't pain killers talking because I didn't even cave and take medicine until about 2pm today.
It seems everyday I wake up and my mind begins this whole to do list. It's a constant whirlwind in my head of things I need to complete. I follow Camden while he's awake around picking up and then I race around while he naps. I feel guilty if I clean when he's awake, but I also feel guilty if I don't clean and things aren't perfect when Garth's home. Anything I choose to do is associated with guilt.
I try to accomplish it ALL in one day, so that surely TOMORROW will be better. And I never finish it all. Ever.
By the time Garth comes home I feel totally zonked and just guilty about something. ALWAYS.
Well today I felt completely relaxed. Because I had just had surgery I knew that I didn't need to push myself today. I didn't feel guilty for just enjoying the day. I didn't put any pressure on myself.
I didn't feel guilty once today!
And you know what? I spent every single second with my little boy besides his naps.
I LOVED it. I didn't feel like he made any messes because I wasn't worried about it, I watched him explore without worrying about what needed to be picked up.
We both giggled all day long together. He is SUCH a happy little boy I love it.
I enjoyed being with him guilt free, and I realized that I need to be able to do this at some point every single day.
Yes, I need to shower, and yes I need to maintain my home. But taking time to just BE with Camden... whole heartedly fully involved with him--that is the priority. I should feel no guilt in doing so.
I hadn't realized how caught up in my "busy" trivial day to day things I had gotten.
It took surgery to realize that I can slow down a bit and smell the roses!
Today I was reminded that my little boy can speak so cute and well.
He says
"Jesus"
"Daddy"
"Daahdoo" (thank you)
"Mommy"
"Uh-OH"
"Hiii"
"Hey"
and makes all sorts of animal noises.
He can show me where his belly button is, loves covering his eyes to play peek a boo, can put his arms up for touch down, claps, shoot a basket, and imitates Daddy's drumming.
Today we played catch for a long time as Camden literally SQUEALED in delight. He's gotten really good at actually catching the ball himself in the air! He is also getting pretty good at throwing.
That little boy LOVES sports. He loves playing with any ball he can. Kicking, shooting, throwing. Those are his things.
Camden and I read books, we took turns chasing each other around the house, we jumped on the bed (well, HE jumped), he took a bath and played with his bath toys, and much more.
Garth came home and I actually felt just joy having both of them with me.
The house was a disaster and I didn't even CARE. I just felt love and overwhelming peace.
What a good day it's been.
I have been reminded that the true joy in my day comes from my family. I don't need to have a perfect home to feel good about myself. I don't need to find pride in this sense of being "busy". Sometimes I think we mom's talk so much about how we feel so busy all the time, and we never get breaks etc etc that it almost has become an expectation to FEEL overwhelmed to be a good mom. Like we must somehow feel pressure to do it all or it means we aren't doing enough.
When in reality my children will appreciate a mom who has the ability to say to heck with it today lets have some fun.
The dishes will still be dirty tomorrow.
But my son, he will get taller, wider, older, and more independent with every passing day-- and I don't want to miss a second of it.
