I have often found in life that when trials come, I am taught things that move me closer in the direction toward the person I need to be. My hardships generally prepare me to be a happier and closer to the Lord. It is, of course, nearly impossible sometimes to feel this way during the suffering. Luckily I have been prepared time and time again and have learned to just look for the blessings as soon as I can.
This week I have decided something (well actually many things, but lets start here)
My miscarriage taught me to trust in the Lord and in, most specifically, his timing.
My sick pregnancy taught me to trust in my husband.
My child is now teaching me to trust in myself and my instincts as a mother.
The process--though hard at times--has been perfect. I have learned things I needed to learn in each phase that prepared me for the next phase. I can only wonder what I am being prepared for now [;
Each learning process has come with trials and errors, but I can say for sure that each one was worth it in the end. This line of thinking is how, today, I am overcome with a sense of peace.
Camden has taught me so much in his little life-- I truly needed to be a mother in order to become the best person I can possibly be. (not that I am there yet!)
It's hard sometimes to know how to parent your baby. I feel that I constantly have worried about things like "spoiling" "bad sleep habits" "healthy sleep habits" "eating enough" "eating too much" "reflux" "tummy time" creating an "independent baby" all of those things. You know you hear that your child needs this much of this a day, and this much of this. He should be sleeping unswaddled by this age, he should have this skill done by this point, and he shouldn't need you to fall asleep anymore. Don't offer the binky at bedtime, he'll be dependent. Don't nurse him to sleep he'll be dependent. Let him cry it out, he needs to learn to self soothe--etc etc etc. Well this week I have learned that the stress of parenting comes from all the DIFFERENT voices in my head. When I'm focused on voices beyond my own and the spirit--I'm lost. When I'm listening to everyone around me I can't seek the lord's guidance with an open heart, I can't get to know MY child and parent him accordingly.
Well I have learned to stop.
This week I learned that none of that matters. Absolutely none of it. Do I want a happy healthy child? Yes. More than anything in this world. But I also know that time is precious. My baby isn't going to always want to cuddle with me, and I don't want to look back and wish I cuddled him more. If I ever lost a child I know I would not think "well at least he learned to self soothe" I would be grateful for the moments I just loved him. Unconditionally, fully, without stress, and gave him my every happiness. I know now that I would love my child no matter what. It would not matter if he was hard to get to go to sleep, if he spit up on me everyday, or if he had a physical defect--in the end no matter where he's at in progress he's just my little man. My little man whose smiles I cannot live without, regardless of everything else.
Today I am so grateful. I know now the lesson I needed to learn. I need to just be happy with my baby boy. Happy with his cat naps, happy with his tummy troubles, laugh at his faces, and smile at him often. Not charting, observing, stressing, changing--but enjoying. Carefree and happy --if not for my sake then for his. Especially because I know Camden watches me. I can see him in the room look at all the faces and smile when he finds mine. (AND, Of course I LOVE this).
This is not the first time I have thought about this--and don't worry I spend a lot of time enjoying my little boy everyday! But It has always come with wondering guilt as to if I am doing something wrong.
Well I'm done with that.
And I am grateful.
Grateful that my heavenly father has trusted me with such a wonderful child to raise and protect. Grateful that he has guided me daily in this process. Grateful for a husband who has stood strong and comforted me and been a rock through it all. Grateful for neighbors that I can talk to, trust, and rely on. Grateful that there is priesthood on this earth and Camden and I could receive all the blessings we have.
I am human, I make mistakes, I get scared, I forget my lessons. But I know where to find my strength. The strength is in my heavenly father.
I am lucky to have a family so consistently blessed by our loving Heavenly Father.
