I started this post with a much different purpose a long time ago.
I've debated about whether or not I should share all of it. But I've decided I have learned way too much to not share this story.
Maybe people will think its something I shouldn't have shared, and maybe others will find comfort in it.
All I know is I write about things. I'm a writer, its my major, its my thing. Things make sense on paper. Or I guess in this case online.
Plus I think this post will make a lot of things make sense to those who live around us.
Anyhow, here goes nothing!
Almost 9 weeks ago we experienced our something unexpected.
It came as a bit of a shock, and the first week was spent trying to wrap our heads around it!
The moment I saw those two lines my head was flooded with questions -- school -- money -- work -- school. You know the drill.
Garth was so ecstatic right off the bat.
I may or may not have shed some tears. Not that I didn't WANT to be pregnant I did want a baby but I was extremely caught off guard. And couldn't help but feel a little young..
That week I was a ball of stress. I went in and met with someone in the English department and changed around the rest of my degree.
I only have 3 semesters left. 2 of which I can complete before baby! That meant I was just going to split the last semester into 2 and go part time after the baby arrived. I was still going to graduate ahead of schedule. I suddenly became very grateful that I graduated high school early and have taken at least one extra class a semester.
Garth and I sat down and figured everything out financially. We researched all the one time costs like cribs and car seats and then all the ongoing costs for the first year of the babies life.
We figured out how we were going to make it all work and somehow it fell together.
There were immediate blessings we were able to see in our lives.
Just to give an example, obviously for a little bit money was going to be tight because this wasn't something we were planning for.
The week my mom was here she bought us a ton of groceries. (this was the week before we knew we were pregnant)
We had a more full fridge and pantry than we've ever had in our life together!
Then two weeks later Garth's sister bought us a ton of groceries for his birthday present. (she didn't know we were pregnant).
Then a couple weeks later my friend who is an apartment manager was going through and checking apartments after all the girls had moved out. They leave everything from food, to tv's, to cleaning supplies.
She gave me a ton of stuff.
We still haven't bought groceries in months.
We truly felt so blessed. Things were going to work out and we were going to be okay.
We got to see the little tiny baby on Ultrasound at 5 weeks! Then we set the appointment to come in at 8 weeks to hear the heart beat and see it start to look more like a baby.
After that it was all excitement. Of course every once in a while there was that nagging thought "We've only been married six months! This is so fast" but we were so excited for our baby. And to meet our baby!
We didn't tell many people but the reactions of the few we told varied.
There were those who were excited.
I had someone tell me they felt bad for me.
Those who thought we were crazy.
And then more of those excited ones.
Garth was especially happy. He loves kids, and his family all has a ton! (my family has no grandchildren yet)
We found ourselves wandering the baby section at every store and joking about how big I may or may not get.
I tried to adjust to ALWAYS being tired, but who really gets used to that?
We had a plan, we were having a baby, we were so excited.
We learned that things don't always go as planned, but that we need to trust in our Heavenly Father because usually his plans for us are much better than our own. We learned to rely on each other and to grow together. We made a lot of decisions together. And learned that family was truly the most important.
But the learning wasn't over.
Monday night after FHE I began spotting.
Only it was more than just "spotting".
I instantly panicked and became emotional.
Which made Garth worry and wait for me to explain whats going on.
I knew something was wrong, but I hoped that it wasn't.
Garth gave me a blessing and I honestly instantly knew.
In the middle of my request to please not let our baby die I knew right away that the baby already had, and there wasn't anything I could do.
I cried myself to sleep that night, but somehow I was able to feel SOME comfort in the fact that it was out of my hands. It was in the Lord's hands and I knew, from our previous experiences, that I could trust him.
That morning was a rough one. Waking up and remembering is almost worse than actually finding out. We called the doctor and made an appointment to go in.
The doctor did some blood work and an ultrasound.
When he came back in the room to tell us what he found he handed me my paper and at the bottom it said "threat abortion". (This is a type of miscarriage).
I instantly regretted ever crying about being pregnant. Ever being scared about having a baby. I wished that I had always been excited and never second guessed it.
He told us we should be eight weeks, and there should be a distinct flicker of a heartbeat but he couldn't find one. Our baby was much smaller than it should be at this point and he was 90% sure we were miscarrying.
We didn't ask many questions that day I just silently cried while he spoke.
They tested my hormone levels, and I was instructed to come back Thursday to test them again to see if they were increasing to signal that I was progressing.
That day was terrible. I cried, Garth cried, and we tried to understand.
One hard thing is there isn't a lot we know about miscarriages in a gospel sense.
We don't know when the spirit enters or doesn't enter, if that baby still comes, or if that baby is still ours later.
There wasn't a lot of comfort to be found but in each other.
While I cried Garth was able to hold it together and just talk to me.
While he cried I was able to hold it together and talk to him.
It was hard to see him cry because naturally as a wife you want to make it better.
It's hard to know that although it isn't my fault it is my body rejecting it.
We talked about all we had learned from the experience.
We felt that we had been able to see that family is truly so much more important than anything else.
That it would be selfish to try to fit the Lord's work somewhere in our worldly timeline.
We also felt that this had shown us we ARE ready and able to start our family. We'd always planned on waiting to get a little further along, but now we know it is possible. And we were excited.
Garth and I also became so much closer. We had such a mixture of reactions from people that we had to just learn to rely and trust in solely one another.
I went in Thursday and did the blood work, my hormones were really high which I was told was a good sign. We found ourselves caught between trying to "not be negative" and "not get our hopes up".
We didn't do a whole lot through the week. The first day we just watched Harry Potter all day.
My mom surprised us and came Thursday night.
She could only stay for a short time so she said she would stay for my appointment the next day.
I was extremely grateful to have her there and to be able to hear her opinions and thoughts on all of it.
The next day the doctor did an ultrasound.
It was the longest ultrasound I've ever had.
He checked and measured EVERYTHING.
He told us that baby had stopped progressing at 6 weeks.
Based on the size and the tissue he suspected the baby did indeed have a heartbeat at one time but that it didn't beat for very long.
He confirmed that there was no heartbeat now and that we were for sure having a miscarriage.
Although the news was painful, we had had all week to prepare.
We were more able to ask him all our questions than we were the first appointment.
It has been an interesting week. Full of ups and downs. But I am so grateful for the experience. I wish it didn't end the way it did but we were able to grow. I feel like the Lord was helping us get to where he wanted us to be. Our priorities were given a strong wake up call. Garth has been a great support through the whole thing. He truly is an amazing husband. Even though we never got to meet our first baby we loved our baby. And we were blessed so much by the short time the baby was a part of our lives. I learned how miraculous it is that women can create life, and how sacred our call to be mothers is. This lesson taught me so much, and I hope I will always be grateful for the experience.
