The way I see it.

Today we had Camden's swallow study.
While I hated the test and at one moment felt like I was fighting back tears, it has given me a lot of peace oddly. I didn't expect to be blessed with so much comfort and clarity in one day.
I have been praying for the ability to find more understanding and peace in the situations and questions we have found lately in life regarding Camden's well being. When I pray I have moments where I feel I understand, moments where I feel I receive immediate comfort when I ask, and moments where I feel there is complete silence on the other side of the line. I have days where I feel angry, days where I feel gratitude, nights where I cry, and mornings where I dance with my little man and laugh. I have come to realize though that while Camden's experiences may be unique for me, I am not special. CAMDEN is special. Every mother questions, worries, struggles, and prays for their child-- these things I am experiencing are just being a mother. Camden is the one who is special. He endures all with a smile.
How did I get so lucky?
...Anyway-- back to the test!
It wasn't very fun pinning down my baby and trying to force feed him the barium under the threat of a feeding tube up his nose and down his throat should he refuse to drink it. It was a mildly stressful situation.  He was okay drinking it until he was so frustrated with being pinned down. He wouldn't drink and was crying and thrashing. The doctors said it was time for plan "B". But I asked for more time. I walked to Camden's diaper bag and got the nipple from his bottles and said a little prayer that somehow someway he would be calmed and he would drink the gross chalky liquid. He did.
I don't have the results yet as far as if everything is normal physically, but they did confirm he still has as the doctor said "wicked" reflux. It doesn't still come all the way out like it did when he was little. But the doctor said Camden only drank 3 oz before he began refluxing all the way to the top of his throat.
It is nice to have an answer in one aspect of his life. I know to keep him on his medicine and I know that he is still having pain associated with eating. A therapist watched him eat and told me that his aversion to foods is highly likely because he simply is scared due to the reflux. He has learned foods hurt and so has kept himself in a safe zone. She says his sensory motor system is out of whack because he's become so sensitive and consequently has a hyper sensitive gag reflex. So when I offer textured foods its too much for him and he rejects them. Plus the chunkier the food, the more painful the reflux.
Poor guy.
It amazes me how happy and calm of a baby he is despite it all.
I have been feeling good today though. I feel knowing that he is scared is helpful. Rather than just the nagging thought of him being "behind" I know he needs me to help him learn it is okay.
I have already been able to think of some great things that I think will help him learn to enjoy food and trust it. It has been a good day.
All day all I have seen when I look at him is a happy boy with so much potential. There's not been any nagging thoughts of learning disabilities, developmental delays, myoclonus--nothing. Those are for another day I am sure, but today I have been blessed with peace.

I have been thinking lately, however, would I change things?
And I have decided no, I would not. The kids who thrive and have confidence are those who have parents that don't want them to be different than they are. And that starts now I believe. I can't wish Camden were different for my sake. I wish things were easier, for his sake, but I will do whatever I need to, to be able to be blessed with him in my life.
With that in mind I have decided, the sleepless nights in the hospital, the constant puke as a little guy, the sickness I had while I carried him-- I would do it all over again, and again and again. However, I would do it sooner so I could have him in my life earlier and be with him the longest time possible.
Plain and simple.

And with that in mind, my mind went to my husband.
While I am grateful for the lessons I learned from all those I dated if I could go back without changing who I am now I would choose to date Garth sooner and consequently get to spend more of my life with him than I will get to now.

I don't feel I gave up anything to have them in my life. I don't feel like the struggles of being a mom aren't worth it.
Sometimes I don't do anything but clean and change diapers in a day. Sometimes I don't get to do my hair. I rarely feel like I look "in style". I think I am already developing "crowes feet".
And somehow all of those things are blessings, because it means I am married to Garth and a mother to Camden.

I feel that I have been able to create a life with these two boys that is better than any dreams I could have had for myself.

Lucky me!