The end of pregnancy

I have once again found myself in that little pregnancy trap that comes with the end of each pregnancy:

I am torn between the feelings of gratitude I have toward my ability to carry a child, and the feeling that she better hurry up and get the heck out of me before I have a meltdown. Haha (; 

I am someone who does truly believe that in all walks of life and in every trial we need to find our foundation of gratitude to stand on. I believe that's not only how we are able to endure things, but how we were meant to endure them. So here is my disclaimer: 

When you see me walking/waddling/limping around these days and you see the fire in my eyes when you ask me how I'm doing, just know somewhere in there I am grateful!!

Physically I am feeling so very done. Contractions everyday for a month, a low low baby who never stops moving, and pelvic bones that gaped too quickly will do it to ya! Seriously if you ever hear all the popping noisies when I stand up or roll over, shed a little tear for my poor off kilter pelvic bones. 

My point being, I feel I've been failing in my effort to be truly grateful, starting to get impatient and angry in the physical trial I am experiencing, so I wanted to take time to reflect on my pregnancy. 

Trimester one: 

The beginning of my pregnancy brings back an image of laying on the floor watching the room spin while willing myself to not throw up. I spent much of this trimester trying to push through being sick without needing medicine to help me. 

In the morning Camden would wake, I would stand up and walk half way to his room, throw up, and then grab him and bring him to my bed. He would play while I threw up again and laid down for a bit longer.

I was successful in going on a lesser medicine than I was on with Camden. However, on it I still threw up 1-3 times every morning. But without it I threw up literally all day long non stop. 

This portion of my pregnancy was pre-diagnosis of Camden's chiari. I was just grateful for the days I had the ability to play with him. I'm also grateful for the timing. I couldn't have handled my sickness and Camden's sickness stacked like that. It was shortly after I got on medicine that he began to be very sick. The timing worked perfectly and reminds me of the trust I need to have in the timing of everything in our life. 

Trimester 2: 

This would be my roller coaster trimester I think. 

I was still sick every morning with medicine and bed ridden without. I tried many times to go off. 

This is also when we received Camden's diagnosis and the first time I had to go in for contractions. I had a brief period of time where I struggled to not feel bitterness about my pregnancy because it came at a time in my life when I felt Camden needed my all. Not my sick had to relax for the sake of the baby self, but his healthy could be up day and night with him normal mom. 

If I stayed up late or woke up in the middle of the night with Camden at this time, I would be sick and throwing up. And he was waking a lot in pain at this time. I'm grateful for Garth helping me where he could and for me mostly being able to endure the nights that Camden needed me without being too ill to help him. 

I'm grateful for her gender ultrasound. Watching her move and wiggle reminded me that there is good at work here. Things to look forward to. That each trial and this life are all but a moment and will end. That ultrasound reminded me of what true peace is. 

Third trimester: 

By some miracle I was able to go off my medicine the week before Camden's surgery. I was still throwing up every morning up until his surgery and then it stopped.  I had been so nervous to be up at night in the hospital throwing up but it went away for surgery and never came back. I was then given a little pregnancy honeymoon. 

I don't remember anything bad involving my pregnancy discomfort wise during the period of surgery and healing for Camden and for that I'm so grateful. I was always having contractions, but they weren't anything too alarming yet. 

33 weeks is when I went into pre-term labor (almost exactly a month post-op) and that's where I remember the discomfort beginning for me. I of course was nervous she would come too soon abs hated bed rest. The medicine they had me on made me super sick, but it was temporary. 

I'm grateful because here we are-- full term and ready to meet our baby girl. Medicine and bed rest free once again. 

I have been blessed this pregnancy, it seems mostly by timing. I've been Blessed to carry this little piece of hope inside of me through a dark time of my life. Blessed to watch miracles unfold around me as well as in my belly when it would've been really easy to feel nothing was going right. 

I am blessed to be trusted with another spirit, and I'm so grateful I get to give Camden a sibling. 

Grateful that surgery for endometriosis worked for me and I was able to get pregnant quickly after. Grateful I was so strongly directed and prompted about the timing of my pregnancy. 

At times it has been hard, but truthfully this pregnancy flew on by until I hit pre term labor. That slowed things way way down lol. 

My hope is that even though at this point it hurts to stand up off the couch and it's hard to put on my own shoes, I can remember to trust the timing. I want to remember all the things that have been done for me this pregnancy and all the lessons I've learned from this period of time I've had a daughter in my belly. 

What a journey it has been (: 

So here's to hoping it doesn't take too long to have her, but all the while knowing that no matter how long it takes she's going to come at the exact right moment for our little family.