Saying Goodbye

No one tells you how much pain and joy come so intertwined within motherhood.
No one tells you, because it really isn't something that can be put into words.
I have talked to friends who are newly mothers lately and they all say something to the effect of it being "wonderful" and "rewarding" and also "not what they thought" "surprising" and "hard". And we all smile those knowing smiles completely understanding what they mean--and understanding that there are no words. No words because it is something so sacred and so dear to a woman that no worldly phrases could really describe those feelings.
Everyday I'm learning.
Today I think I've learned to officially say goodbye.
My son has reflux pretty badly. He'll grow out of it and that's okay. I've learned to say goodbye to perfectly spot free clothes all day long. It's not possible.
He also has had a seizure. Which I don't really, and won't really talk about. It was not a pleasant experience or day. But he has since had a CT scan, bloodwork, EEG etc. All are normal. No tumors, no epilepsy, no brain swelling. Although the EEG was the most horrific experience of my life (excluding the moment of his seizure) I'm glad to know he is okay. They believe it was a one time event--not that uncommon for babies actually. That's a relief.
Post seizure I pretty much spoiled Camden like nobodies business. I was slightly afraid to let him be alone for long periods of time. Afraid I might miss important things to add to the list I was supposed to take to the neurologist. When you're told to watch for things, its possible to question literally everything.
ANYHOW that lead to a short burst of him needing to cry it out in order to learn to sleep well again. I needed him to be able to sleep well, and fall asleep well in order to know that his fussiness was actual problems or abnormal--not just overtired but mom isn't bouncing me correctly--make sense?
So we did that.
Hard again.
But it was an instant improvement in Camden. Happier, slept longer, mom was more relaxed, the list goes on. I learned to say goodbye to those cuddly naps I loved. But I traded them for more relaxed predictable days and a happier baby.
However, there was one thing that didn't improve and continued to get worse--nursing.
Now here's where I guess maybe my bitterness may come out a little.
Women constantly tell other women how much nursing is best. How much we are better mothers for pressing through the nursing. All the negatives to formula. And I get it. I know scientifically what is better. But the judgements and the pressure--that's not better.
Camden has never been the best nurser. He struggled to latch, but we saw a consultant after two weeks of rough nursing. We worked through it. After that he occasionally had feeds where he would cry and refuse unless I bounced him while nursing--yeah try that sometime. Not fun.
He would cry and cry and eventually just throw up all that he had just barely eaten.
But I dealt with the puke filled bra for 4 months, because it was what was best for him right? 
Thanksgiving marked the turn where Camden just began to full on refuse. He would not take full feeds. He began to lose weight. I began to lose my supply. I tried and tried.  Some days were better than others but we both began to be exhausted. After a lot of thought, prayer, and back and forth I finally told Garth I had to say goodbye.
And yet I tried to hold out.
I began pumping and supplementing all day long. Camden began to be getting bottles all day, but I still nursed at night and in the morning--his least fussy feeds. (Because the flow is fastest at these times). I struggled with it, but because my supply had decreased it was really a necessity. And I couldn't get Camden to nurse and then take a bottle of the extra--he just wanted bottles period. It was sad to see that he was consistently taking 2-4 more oz than I was actually making for him, but he began gaining weight--so it helped me.
Plus he was still getting breast milk AND nursing twice a day--win win right?
Ha.
Camden's fussiness and night waking got more intense. He was happier during the day because he was more full, and not having to nurse, but his sleep got worse. He began waking up screaming instead of calm and happy. It had happened some days before, but it was becoming more consistent.
Long story short--the doctor believes Camden has a milk protein allergy. Which passes through my milk, and is in the formula.
It's officially time to say goodbye.
He will now be on a hypoallergenic formula, and I am letting go. I have to be okay with what is truly best for my son. And I know that "breast is best" but not for Camden.
With the reflux and the protein intolerance--it really truly isn't. Not if I want him to enjoy his life!
So here's to saying goodbye in the name of a better hello.
Hopefully this new switch helps him out!
Although I will say--in the midst of everything--he's still always such a happy little guy! Just not sleeping as much as mom would enjoy sometimes! [:
Gotta love motherhood!