Tiny Update

As far as Camden and his new formula goes, he is doing great.
He still throws up all day long--but that's reflux and nothing will help it until he grows out of it.
(before I receive messages of advice, we've tried thickening feeds, medicine, hypoallergenic formula..we just give him zantac to minimize pain now nothing has made any difference)
The doctor said by this point we should see about a 30% improvement. It will take 4 weeks for the tissues of his stomach to totally heal so I should still see some big strides. Camden still has some days of unexplained crying and hard to soothe moments but his sleep is back on track! He's slept through the entire night (12 hours to be exact..) without eating the last 3 nights. He no longer has harsh wake ups where he wakes immediately crying, he now has more easy transitions. He's also napping longer shortest nap of the day is usually at least an hour and the others are 2-3 hours! Beauty. Besides all that I just enjoy knowing he's not uncomfortable all the time. Also, some have messaged me suggesting I don't stop breast feeding and that I continue just cut out the dairy, soy, whey, etc from my diet.
Stopping breastfeeding has been a hard choice, but the hardest part was Camden refusing to nurse. He won't do it. I have to supplement, and I have to pump in order for him to eat at all.
I made the decision that was best for both of us, even if it may not seem like it to some. I have been losing weight since I had him, and am close to lower than I've ever been since I was 18. Garth and I didn't feel that the stress of pumping all day, along with the stress of a very restricted diet and my already non-healthy self would be what was best.
We appreciate the opinions, but also appreciate the respect for our choices.

Today Camden has had it a little rough. He's been congested since thanksgiving break (most likely due to the allergy). Today his nose is really runny and full, but the mucus is soft and thin instead of gooey and thick like it has been. So its hard to tell if Camden has gotten a cold and that explains the nose or not, but the doctor believes his congestion is probably actually just finally breaking up now due to the new formula. So for the moment hes a little frustrated that he can't breathe and he blows snot bubbles when he cries .. also that evil mom sucks out his nose.. but he's on the mend! He's still going down easy at nap time.
Funny story, I've always known Camden loves his music. Its very soothing to him but he pays attention to it, we can't play music through nap time or he just lays there and listens without sleeping. So our routine is that we sit in the rocking chair and I sing this song I've sang to him since birth. (its a pioneer song). Its short, and he's always still wide awake when I'm done but its just to help him wind down. So then we put him in the crib and squeeze his little glow worm which glows and plays a song for 10 minutes. Camden sometimes falls asleep before it finishes but if not it turns off and he rolls over the other direction and just goes to sleep. So great right?
Well I've had a cold and so I've been humming that song at nap time. And Camden has been so unsettled while I rock and hum that I've eventually just taken to laying him in the crib and turning on his glow worm. Its been confusing! Well finally the other day I was humming away and he was squirming and fussing and I remembered I finally felt better and had my voice back so I started to really sing--instant peace. Camden settled right away, pushed his arms out to prop himself up off my shoulder, looked up at my face and smiled. The last couple of days now that I'm actually singing again our routine is perfect again! In fact generally when I start in on the song he pushes his body up looks at me and smiles before he rests his bed back down on my shoulder. Silly boy just doesn't like my humming I guess, he wants the real thing.

Saying Goodbye

No one tells you how much pain and joy come so intertwined within motherhood.
No one tells you, because it really isn't something that can be put into words.
I have talked to friends who are newly mothers lately and they all say something to the effect of it being "wonderful" and "rewarding" and also "not what they thought" "surprising" and "hard". And we all smile those knowing smiles completely understanding what they mean--and understanding that there are no words. No words because it is something so sacred and so dear to a woman that no worldly phrases could really describe those feelings.
Everyday I'm learning.
Today I think I've learned to officially say goodbye.
My son has reflux pretty badly. He'll grow out of it and that's okay. I've learned to say goodbye to perfectly spot free clothes all day long. It's not possible.
He also has had a seizure. Which I don't really, and won't really talk about. It was not a pleasant experience or day. But he has since had a CT scan, bloodwork, EEG etc. All are normal. No tumors, no epilepsy, no brain swelling. Although the EEG was the most horrific experience of my life (excluding the moment of his seizure) I'm glad to know he is okay. They believe it was a one time event--not that uncommon for babies actually. That's a relief.
Post seizure I pretty much spoiled Camden like nobodies business. I was slightly afraid to let him be alone for long periods of time. Afraid I might miss important things to add to the list I was supposed to take to the neurologist. When you're told to watch for things, its possible to question literally everything.
ANYHOW that lead to a short burst of him needing to cry it out in order to learn to sleep well again. I needed him to be able to sleep well, and fall asleep well in order to know that his fussiness was actual problems or abnormal--not just overtired but mom isn't bouncing me correctly--make sense?
So we did that.
Hard again.
But it was an instant improvement in Camden. Happier, slept longer, mom was more relaxed, the list goes on. I learned to say goodbye to those cuddly naps I loved. But I traded them for more relaxed predictable days and a happier baby.
However, there was one thing that didn't improve and continued to get worse--nursing.
Now here's where I guess maybe my bitterness may come out a little.
Women constantly tell other women how much nursing is best. How much we are better mothers for pressing through the nursing. All the negatives to formula. And I get it. I know scientifically what is better. But the judgements and the pressure--that's not better.
Camden has never been the best nurser. He struggled to latch, but we saw a consultant after two weeks of rough nursing. We worked through it. After that he occasionally had feeds where he would cry and refuse unless I bounced him while nursing--yeah try that sometime. Not fun.
He would cry and cry and eventually just throw up all that he had just barely eaten.
But I dealt with the puke filled bra for 4 months, because it was what was best for him right? 
Thanksgiving marked the turn where Camden just began to full on refuse. He would not take full feeds. He began to lose weight. I began to lose my supply. I tried and tried.  Some days were better than others but we both began to be exhausted. After a lot of thought, prayer, and back and forth I finally told Garth I had to say goodbye.
And yet I tried to hold out.
I began pumping and supplementing all day long. Camden began to be getting bottles all day, but I still nursed at night and in the morning--his least fussy feeds. (Because the flow is fastest at these times). I struggled with it, but because my supply had decreased it was really a necessity. And I couldn't get Camden to nurse and then take a bottle of the extra--he just wanted bottles period. It was sad to see that he was consistently taking 2-4 more oz than I was actually making for him, but he began gaining weight--so it helped me.
Plus he was still getting breast milk AND nursing twice a day--win win right?
Ha.
Camden's fussiness and night waking got more intense. He was happier during the day because he was more full, and not having to nurse, but his sleep got worse. He began waking up screaming instead of calm and happy. It had happened some days before, but it was becoming more consistent.
Long story short--the doctor believes Camden has a milk protein allergy. Which passes through my milk, and is in the formula.
It's officially time to say goodbye.
He will now be on a hypoallergenic formula, and I am letting go. I have to be okay with what is truly best for my son. And I know that "breast is best" but not for Camden.
With the reflux and the protein intolerance--it really truly isn't. Not if I want him to enjoy his life!
So here's to saying goodbye in the name of a better hello.
Hopefully this new switch helps him out!
Although I will say--in the midst of everything--he's still always such a happy little guy! Just not sleeping as much as mom would enjoy sometimes! [:
Gotta love motherhood!